Leslie Knope: Hey. Sorry about the whole mess. The crisis has been averted, so let's go talk to the chief.
Ben: Oh, I already talked to him. They'll give us the hours we need, no problem.
Leslie Knope: Great. What a relief.
Ben: Yeah. Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten.
Leslie Knope: You know, yeah. There's a really great calzone place over in Idiotville.
Ben: Oh, really?
Leslie Knope: Down on Terrible Idea Avenue.
Ben: Okay. That's weird. 'cause I thought it was on beating-a-dead-horse boulevard.
Leslie Knope: Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.
Ben: Leslie, I... you know, I...
Leslie Knope: I'm just kidding. Let's go.
Ben: Oh. [laughs weakly] Okay. That was funny.

Leslie Knope: Well, no, you can not sell home-brewed water. And again, no, I would not like to taste it. But thank you for coming in. April, who's next?
Ben: Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi, or something.
Tom: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Ben: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.
Leslie Knope: [nerdy voice] No, Star Wars is not that nerdy.
Ben: It's not, everyone's see it.
Leslie Knope: [nerdy voice] Everyone's seen it. Everyone.

Ann: Oh, maybe I should just go back to being a nurse full-time.
Leslie Knope: No, I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.

Leslie Knope: Hey, guys, come on in. Welcome to the den of horrors.
Leah: Where's all the scary stuff?
Leslie Knope: Scary stuff is invisible, Leah... Broken dreams, disappointment, achieving your greatest goal and having it all fall apart and knowing that you'll never climb any higher.
Ryan: Can we have some candy?
Leslie Knope: I'm gonna give you something sweeter than candy, Ryan... The truth. It's very possible that some of you have already peaked. It's all downhill from here, turkeys.
Ben: Okay, let's say good-bye to Ms. Knope, kids.
Leslie Knope: It is Ms. Knope. It's not city councilwoman Knope, because that chapter of my life is already over. Just remember, kids, nothing gold can stay.

Jennifer Barkley: [ringtone plays] Uh-oh. Oh, time's up. Okay, if you want to keep talking, you're gonna have to pay me 1,200 more dollars.
Leslie Knope: I just need--
Jennifer Barkley: No, I swear to God, if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1,200, and I will sue you. Let's not end it like that. Okay, great to see you, Leslie. Those five words are on me. Should I move this back? Don't answer it!
Ben: [to Leslie] I don't know what you're thinking, but you have a press conference in ten minutes.

Leslie Knope: Jen Barkley telling me I had a future was the best present I could have got. Thank you.
Ben: You're welcome. But, I did get you one other present to take your mind off all this.
Leslie Knope: Aww, you are the sweetest man in the world. Where is it?
Ben: Well, it's not here. We have to go get it.
[cut to Leslie and Ben in Paris; aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: In times of stress or in moments of transition, sometimes it can feel like the whole world is closing in on you. When that happens, you should close your eyes, take a deep breath, listen to the people that love you when they're giving advice, and remember what really matters. And, if you have the ability to go to Paris, by all means, go to Paris!

Leslie Knope: Okay, guys, this is so great. During the election campaign of 1840, William Henry Harrison supporters rolled this ten foot tin and paper ball down country lanes all across America. And--And they would sing along with a jug band, and it was just so exciting. People would come for miles just to see it.
Andy: Why, was there something inside this stupid ball? Ooh, like a giant hamster?
Leslie Knope: This is what we have to work with, okay. We are up against a very flashy internet company, and we should be aiming for quantity over quality. So we're gonna throw a bunch of Harrison facts at them and a big pile of bricks and whatever else we can find. Quantity, people. Quantity!

Ann: We're actually having a little town meeting tomorrow night if you wanted to just...
Kate: Look, I know it sounds weird, but I just don't like living near parks. So if you have a flier or something, I'd be happy to take it. Thank you. Okay.
Leslie Knope: You don't care about your kids if you don't support this park!
Kate: Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: It's... What I mean is, kids love parks and you should, too.
Kate: So, if I don't support your little project, then I don't love my daughter?
Leslie Knope: I didn't...
Kate: What time is this thing, anyway?
Leslie Knope: Oh, it's next month, forget about it.
Kate: No, it's tomorrow night. I'll be there.

Leslie Knope: Our friend got mugged this morning. And we will not let that happen in vain.
Tom: He doesn't have a black eye.
Leslie Knope: Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye. This is our wakeup call, guys. Jerry's face is the symbol of failure. [snickers] Our failure. To keep the parks safe. I have some folders. Inside are some assignments. And some homemade taffy.

Ben: There you are. Thank God. We're going to get the final results any minute.
Leslie Knope: I know. Do you have both my speeches?
Ben: Yes. You seem calmer than I expected you'd be.
Leslie Knope: I got you something. Let me open it for you. You have to go to Washington.
Ben: I told you I'm turning it down.
Leslie Knope: I was being selfish. You put your whole life on hold for me. The very least I can do is try to return the favor.
Ben: Are you sure about this?
Leslie Knope: We can make it work. I will visit you, then you come visit me. And then I go visit you again. And then we make out in the Lincoln bedroom. And the Jefferson Memorial and the Supreme Court gallery. We'll do it all over Washington.
Ben: Thank you. Where did you get a Washington Monument figurine at midnight on a Tuesday?
Leslie Knope: From my office. I have, like, 50 of them.
Ben: Right.