Councilman Jamm: Unexpected play here, Superman. Not exactly sure what you're going for, but I dig your Gambit.
Leslie Knope: There is no Gambit here, Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor, by the way? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.
Councilman Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.
Leslie Knope: I am leaving now. I am not moving. I'm just going home.
Councilman Jamm: Are you guys coming back to my place? What's--what's-- or are you guys going back to-- we wrapping up the weekend? No?

Chris: You give Leslie her lockbox, and you get me in your hip pocket. Starting in my next term as city manager, I will give you one huge I.O.U., no questions asked.
Councilman Jamm: Hmm. Jamm likes the sound of that. Let's make it five I.O.U.s, and you got a deal.
Chris: You drive a hard bargain, but you leave me no choice. Fine. Five huge IOUs.
Councilman Jamm: Deal, guys. You must really want that park.
Leslie Knope: I do. Yes. And to tell you the truth, I'm doing it all for my best friend.
Councilman Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.

Leslie Knope: Thank you so much, everyone, for coming. And a special thank you to the city council for their support.
Councilman Jamm: I was told there'd be a free barbecue buffet?
Leslie Knope: Just take some beef jerky and... hush!

Leslie Knope: This spring we will be holding a massive unity concert to commemorate the merger between Pawnee and Eagleton. This three-day music and arts festival will end on a day we will call "New Founder's Day," an official beginning to our new town. A few years ago, Eagleton put up this wall along the border. Now it is time to tear down this wall. [applause] In the name of unity, I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away, guys. This is such a great day for... [bees buzzing] Bees! Bees! Oh! Nobody panic!
Craig: Ohhh, noooo!
Man: Ah! It stung me in the eyeball!
Councilman Jamm: Oh, man, this is amazing, man. The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting the pwned by these bees. I'm gonna send this straight to tosh. [laughing] Ow, [bleep]! [bleep]!

Councilman Jamm: Hey! Thanks for coming, Knope. I knew we were besties. What do you got in there for me, some dirty mags?
Leslie Knope: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims... not for jerks who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain.
Councilman Jamm: Whatever. Got a lotta filth in my kindle anyway. We can just hang. Wanna come up?
Leslie Knope: What?

Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now, with Mike Patterson. We're live ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt, shoving cameras cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.
Leslie Knope: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.
Mike Patterson: Really? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, known Eagleton hater Jeremy Jamm.
Councilman Jamm: Excuse me, Mike. That's, uh, best friend.
Leslie Knope: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who, or who seceded from you.
Councilman Jamm: Awesome idea, Lezzie. As a matter of fact I say we should secede from Eagleton! Whose dumbass idea was it for them to merge anyway?
Leslie Knope: Mine. It was my idea.
Mike Patterson: You heard it here first. Self-proclaimed dumbass Leslie Knope and councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. And I, for one, am sick of it.

Ben: Well, the relocation package seems fair, but the dental plan is more than fair. I mean, three annual cleanings for the spouse? Ka-ching.
Councilman Jamm: Hey, did someone say "dental plan"? [chuckles] How's it going? Councilman Jeremy Jamm, Jamm orthodontics. Hey, uh, I think we can all agree this concert blows, right? You guys really want to see a crowd, you might want to stop by my secession rally later tonight. That is gonna be off the hook! You ever heard of Warrant?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Councilman Jamm: There's a cover band around here... they call themselves "Cherry Pie." Pretty sure we got their bass player.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow.
Councilman Jamm: Gonna be pretty good. [sings] Dah-nah-nah, rock and roll, yeah, poison
Leslie Knope: What is that?
Councilman Jamm: Just general rock, man. It's gonna be fun. [sings] She's my cherry pie, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

Councilman Howser: We will now hear arguments about the Newport property. First, on behalf of Gryzzl, Mr. Ron Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, councilman. When you vote tomorrow, we believe you should vote to rezone the land for commercial use.
Councilman Jamm: Well, I'm convinced. Tomorrow I'm voting for Gryzzl.
Leslie Knope: What? I didn't even get a chance to say my plan.
Councilman Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan?
Leslie Knope: Please don't say Hitler.
Councilman Jamm: Adolf Hitler. [sighs] I'm with Swanson. It's a stache thing. Stache bros. You wouldn't understand. We're done here.
Ron Swanson: Well, that was easy.

Leslie Knope: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome? God, I hate that I know that.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, it's murder on the old plumbing, but, uh, Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.
Leslie Knope: I don't think this relationship is that healthy. I mean, it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm, I mean, come on. You love Porsches and spiked iced tea, and you have a Hooters platinum card.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore. But, uh, you know, it's good, you know? I'm better now. I mean, sure, I'm depressed, and, uh, I'm constantly sick, and nothing really brings me joy, but it just feels right. [sobbing] Oh, God.
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, help me, Knope. Oh, I used to be so great. Remember? Everybody thought so.
Leslie Knope: Well--
Councilman Jamm: [sobbing] Oh, God.
Leslie Knope: Wow. This is worse than I thought. You're broken. She has broken you. You need to get away from her.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, God. Whoa, hey. Look at that. More hair came out. [laughing, sobbing]

Tammy Two: Hey, Jere-bear. What are you doing with these two jabronis?
Councilman Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought. We should break up.
Tammy Two: [laughs] What's the matter, little boy? Did the bad people get to you?
Councilman Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is, literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.
Tammy Two: That's 'cause you're my widdle baby.
Leslie Knope: We drilled you on this, Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?
Councilman Jamm: I'm not a baby. I'm a big boy!
Leslie Knope: Yeah, okay. That... Well, that wasn't terrible.