Dr. Van Dyne: So we ran all your tests, and everything looks great. You might be the healthiest human being we've ever seen. You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.
Chris: Yes, I get that a lot.

Chris: Leslie, Leslie. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Leslie Knope: Wow. You have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh, yeah. Would you like a vitamin? B-12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?
Leslie Knope: No, thank you.
Chris: You sure? Really good for hangovers.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'll take one.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, and positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Chris: Ann Perkins.
Ann: Hey. How was your run?
Chris: Ended with a 5 1/2-minute mile, my personal low. I think the pavement in this town is soft.
Ann: What's with the mask?
Chris: Flu prevention. My body is finely tuned, like a microchip. And the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.
Ann: My body's like a chip too. Potato chip. [both chuckle] No.

Leslie Knope: I am not sick. I just have allergies, okay? I took a Claritin, and I threw that up. So I took another one. I threw that up. And then I took a third, and it stayed down. I'm getting better.
Ben: All right, you're burning up.
Leslie Knope: You're burning up. What?
Chris: I have to get out of here. I have 2.8% body fat. My body's like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it. My body's a microchip.

Chris: Okay, casualty update. Only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. That family took a terrible hit.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's great news.
Leonard Tchulm: Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms, Christopher Traeger.
Leslie Knope: What?
[aside to camera:]
Chris: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!

Chris: Ben, there was a big concert? Now there's not? Isn't there anything that we can do about that?
Ben: No, there isn't.
Chris: It's too bad. Sorry, Leslie. Damn! I have to go run ten miles.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I have run ten miles a day for eighteen years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.

Chris: Ann Perkins!
Ann: Chris...Something.
Chris: Hi! I was just doing my daily lunchtime ten miles, and I ran by the hospital, and I thought I'd pop up and say hi.
Ann: Did you just start your run?
Chris: No, I'm already at mile nine.
Ann: But you're not sweating at all.
Chris: I know. I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Ann: I would like to shoot a new PSA and I think it'd be good to get someone who's healthy and telegenic, and I thought that you would be perfect.
Chris: Ann Perkins. I am flattered. And I will do it. Is there a script yet?
Ann: Uh, no, because you just approved the idea, like, three seconds ago.
Chris: I would like you to write me a script and get it to me in an hour. And we should start thinking about wardrobe. Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts. I'm very excited about this. In terms of shirts, I can wear white...

Chris: I made everything worse. If Tom were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Chris: Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. It's been like watching Leonardo work. Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good.