Chris Quote #168
Quote from Chris in Emergency Response
Chris: Okay, casualty update. Only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. That family took a terrible hit.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's great news.
Leonard Tchulm: Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms, Christopher Traeger.
Leslie Knope: What?
[aside to camera:]
Chris: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!
Parks and Recreation Quotes
‘Emergency Response’ Quotes
Quote from Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: This is Ron. Go ahead, caller.
Woman: [on the line] Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron Swanson: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. [cut] Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. [cut] Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. [cut] Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. [cut] Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. [cut] I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, the planning commission has a week to decide if they want a beautiful, innovative community park or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. I'm not editorializing. Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger is the Greasy Lard Bomb.
Quote from Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Hello, again. I'm Ron Swanson, and I am still taking your calls, hopefully, about tonight's gala. You're on the air.
Man: [on the line] Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan?
Ron Swanson: She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.
Man: Is she gonna be okay?
Ron Swanson: Wouldn't know, never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.
Man: That works?
Ron Swanson: It does. Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests: woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.