Ben: [aside to camera] You know, they always ask me to go out with them. They're just being polite. I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, they're like Facebook friends, you know? "Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt." Come on, Doug, who cares?

Ben: I've been auditing the budget, and I noticed you're way behind on your paperwork. Uh, Jerry, you haven't filled out a PC-10 form in two and a half years.
Jerry: Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.
Donna: Yeah, we kinda do our paperwork at our own speed.
Ben: Oh, really? Well, I kinda need you to do it at my speed.
Donna: Fine, I'll do them. What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee. But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here. Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub. This is expired.

Chris: Hey, man, you want to go for a jog? Just, sort of, kick out the cobwebs, get some endorphins going?
Ben: Oh, no, thanks, Chris. Kind of tearing this Claymation video a new one right now.
Chris: You know, Ben, I really think you need to take a step back here. I think getting some perspective would be good.
Ben: What are you talking about?
Chris: I've known you a long time. And, right now, you need help.
Ben: With my Claymaish?
Chris: With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed. I mean, look at what I've accomplished. Do you see him? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.

Ben: Stop where you are and take off your clothes. It's couples massage. Ugh. Where's Leslie?
Jerry: Oh, well, she seemed kind of stressed out. And then she yelled at me, and she said she was too busy to come. And since you had said do not tell her the secret under any circumstances...
Ben: Aw, man. Well, that's a danger of doing things a day early, I guess. Should I text her and try again?
Jerry: Why don't you just go ahead and get your massage, and then hopefully we can get her in for the next thing.
Ben: Okay. I have been kind of tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.

Leslie Knope: Well, that is a gorgeous view.
Ben: Yes, it is. But don't look at that. Look at this. You've been thinking about this job in the abstract. Focus on what it actually means. We're standing in a national park that stretches 50 miles. That's the Presidio over there. It's a national park. So is Alcatraz, and so are the redwoods we just walked through, by the way. You take this job, places like this will be your office.
Leslie Knope: Well, that is a compelling point.
Ben: When we got back from London, you said... that it's a very big world and you've seen very little of it. This is your chance, honey. This whole region... Mount Rushmore, the Badlands, the Ozarks, Abe Lincoln's childhood home... you would be in charge of all of it. Your job would be to preserve the most beautiful places on earth so millions of people could enjoy them. And those places, the greatest treasures America has to offer, will all have signs with your name... right there.
Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Hi, Grant. I want the job. I have a lot of questions, but I'm a little amped up right now, so I'll probably just hang up. It might be for the best. But, anyway, I love you. No, I don't. I'm sorry. That was weird. Okay, bye. Oh, this is Lester Kanopf. No, you know who it... Okay, bye.
Ben: Smoothly handled, Lester.
Leslie Knope: I panicked. We should go. We have a lot of stuff to do... and the meter's still running on that cab, so chop-chop.

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm being honored at a gala tonight because I'm in charge of the Pawnee bicentennial celebration. It's my biggest project since Ice Town. So it really means a lot that I'm being recognized as a city leader, instead of being yelled at and pelted with things. Wait, you don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you?

Chris: So, Ben... Why Calzone?
Ben: Glad you asked, Chris. You know, there's fast food hamburgers. There's fast food Mexican. There's fast food Chinese. Blah blah blah. Have you ever wondered why there isn't a fast food option for Italian food?
Chris: What about pizza?
Ben: Pizza? Never heard of it. That's what people will be saying in 20 years, because pizza is old news, Chris. Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.
Chris: Never thought of it that way.
Ben: What I'm talking about is a portable, delicious meal, that is its own container. It's a whole new spin on Italian fast casual dining.
Chris: Amazing.
Ben: And you of all people will like this. I'm gonna use low-fat ingredients.
Chris: Game-changer.
Ben: And I will call my new Italian fast casual eatery "The Low-cal Calzone Zone."
Chris: That idea is literally the greatest idea I've ever heard in my life.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: That idea is terrible.

Ben: Hey, while you were over at Jerry's, did you happen to get any information about his history with Gayle? Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as a cover?
Leslie Knope: You know, it's a mystery, Ben. Let it go.
Ben: Yeah, I can't. It keeps me awake at night. Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies? Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat?
Leslie Knope: I think you solved it.

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Jamm's not going to be able to kill this reservoir merger, is he? On my side, I have facts, science, and reason. All he has is fear-mongering. Oh, my God, he's gonna win.
Ben: Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this. Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?

Tom: [groans] The only business idea I have that's even remotely fleshed out is a restaurant.
Ben: No way. Restaurants were ranked number one in Accounting Magazine's "Riskiest Businesses" issue. That was their last issue before they folded, actually. Magazines are also very risky.