Phil: Honey. I got some vase options. What happened?
Haley: Um... What do you think happened?
Phil: I think she saw those flowers as the shallow, transparent gesture they were and shredded them to pieces in a justifiable rage.
Haley: Yep.
Phil: What have I done to upset her so much?
Haley: Maybe you should look in a mirror and ask yourself that question.
Phil: Sweet Teen Wolf, what have I become?

Phil: Thanks for inviting me to your party, brah! Sweet jams. Where are all the fillies at?!
Luke: Dad?
Phil: Dad? I'm Rod Skyhook -- recent transfer student, yo! What's that knockin'? Oh, it's me, about to get this party rockin'!
Luke: Oh, God.
Phil: It's all good up under the hood, biznatches! Pretty soon, every kid in here's gonna call everyone they know, tell them to get their butts down here. You want to gas up the foot traffic-
Luke: I'm not inviting parents.
Phil: Your party, broseph! Sorry, Jack. I'm gonna need some beats! ['80s hip-hop plays]

Phil: Imagine yourself in a museum filled with the world's oddities.
Dean Hinden: No, no, no, no. Slow down. Enjoy it. And turn around... so I can get a good look at the back. Let me see the back.
Phil: Behold the freak... for all to see.

Phil: Sweet home Alduzzarna, it's The Foolmaker from "Clash of Swords" season five!
Mitchell: I'm only on season three. I feel lost. Help me.
Phil: Oh, okay. During the Feast of Figs, the Forest Prince banished Migolaf the Wanderer to the outer reaches of The Forsaken Realm. Migolaf waylaid the Iguodalan Dwarves and cursed the high cleric to an eternity of feeble-mindedness using the mighty scepter known as The Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.

Phil: Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer. It's weird to think people will be calling us Grandpa and...
Claire: No, please don't say it. Don't say that word. It makes me feel so old. But I have thought about what I want them to call me. Gammy.
Phil: Gammy. Well, let's take her for a spin. "Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood." Yeah, it does. It works.

Phil: I'm... f-f... f-freezing.
Manny: [o.s.] Cut!
Phil: Could it be any colder?
Manny: [o.s.] No!
Phil: Fur hat weather, no?
Manny: [o.s.] No!
Manny: [o.s.] "I'm so cold." "I'm so cold." "I'm so cold!" And action.
Phil: Um... brr, am I right?
Manny: [o.s.] You gotta be kidding me!

Desmond: [British accent] All right. Let's just take it from, "This is modern California living at its finest."
Phil: And action.
Phil: [British accent] This is modern California living at its finest.
Desmond: Stop! You're doing the British accent again.
Phil: I'm not hearing it!

Phil: Lot of colors in that fire, huh? Red, green, yellow, blue...
Mitchell: Geez. Okay.
Jay: What is this yammering with you?! Seriously!
Phil: I don't know. I guess I just don't like being alone with my own thoughts. Maybe it's because I have a couple of grandkids on the way, but now, if things get too quiet, my mind goes to a dark place fast. I start to worry about the people that I love and all the bad things that could happen to them. I suppose talking pushes those thoughts out and helps me feel okay.
Jay: I get it. We can all spiral. But you can't talk your way out of it. You got to think your way out of it. You know, find a happy place. Try this. 30 seconds, no talking. Go.

Phil: Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown. I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's.
Alex: No, there are more galaxies than grains of sand on all the world's beaches.
Phil: [hyperventilating]

Phil: [aside to camera] The rest of the trip went better. Haley's room stopped spinning. Jay got back to the vacation he always wanted. And Mitch and Cam managed to do some sightseeing at a working banana plantation- Where they promptly lost Lily again. Me and Claire, we- we had a great time. But we never did get that honeymoon.