Manny: Well, I care about her, too, and I want her to be happy. So... make sure she knows how you feel. She's the kind of girl who needs to hear that.
Luke: I don't know. I'm not good at that stuff. I'm better off just playing it cool.
Manny: [sighs] Can't believe I'm saying this... but I can help. I'll talk, you type.
Luke: [scoffs] Are you being nice to make me feel worser?
Manny: Okay, I'll talk and type.

Luke: Oh, my God. Sherry broke up with me.
Phil: Oh.
Luke: After I texted her all those nice things you told me to say to her.
Manny: Oh, yeah, that's right! She hates it when guys move too fast. Oh, well. Better to have loved and lost.
Gloria: There's my Colombian boy!

Javier: So, Manny, what is your show about? Will there be pirates and tasteful nudity?
Manny: It'll be different from my last one. This is a one-man play in which I portray four characters in a café from different walks of life. When the Internet goes out, they're forced to talk to each other. I call it "Who, What, When, Where, Wi-Fi."
Jay: I'd throw in a pirate.
Manny: I should go get into characters.

Jay: Check this out.
Gloria: Oh, my God!
Jay: [laughs] See? You don't get that reaction from a picture of a dusty guy picking oranges on Sunset Boulevard.
Gloria: That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
Joe: But I like my hair!
Gloria: No, not you, sweetie. You're perfect. And no woman will ever deserve you.
Manny: Hey, I don't know if you journal, but you might want to dog-ear today's page for your future therapist.

Cameron: Hey, you're sure now's not a bad time to borrow your garment steamer?
Manny: Of course not. And this thing's a marvel. Who knew George Foreman had one more in him after his grill?

Mitchell: Oh, I'm finally here. Oh, this has been my dream ever since I saw "An American in Paris."
Manny: For me, it was "Amélie." I made my mom give me that haircut.

Manny: Well, that would be sad. Except maybe my sadness will inspire me to create something even greater. Remember that collage I made that helped us get through Katrina?
Gloria: Mm-hmm.
Jay: You did this, you know that.

Manny: Notes from the road. Alternate title, The United States of me. Fear Friend or Foe? As children, we're taught to fear what can hurt us. But as adults, we're expected to conquer what we're afraid of. So what are fears? Do they keep us alive? Or do they keep us from living?
Haley: Hey! You're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.
Manny: Okay, I'm going.

Manny: Um, in all the bathroom confusion, instead of my multivitamin, I may have taken a birth-control pill.
Gloria: I think you'll be fine. And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight!
Manny: It may be the pill, but I'm feeling a little attacked right now.

Manny: Ta-da?
Haley: Oh, my god! You have my underwear?!
Manny: No. Okay, well, yes, but it's not what you're thinking. Uh, they were in my pants.
Haley: What is wrong with you?! I know you have a crush on me, but this is, like, deep freak!
Manny: No, I used to have a crush on you, but not anymore. This is all just bad luck. Just take your panties and go.