Lily: [o.s.] How many people are out there?!
Cameron: Just a few supportive women.
Manny: Hello, sisters.
Cameron: I must've texted the wrong thread.
Manny: Allow me to talk to the Earth Goddess.

Manny: Good dawning, all.
Jay: What am I looking at? Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself?
Manny: It's a traditional Tudor collar. I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual.
Gloria: I don't hate it. I think it makes your head look like one of those fancy cookies.
Manny: I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting.
Jay: What happened to hazing? It used to be macho stuff, you know, like making a guy drink a shot out of your belly button or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks.
Manny: Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. I don't want to jinx it, but a week from now, I could be learning the steps of the secret minuet.
Jay: This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying.

Manny: Hey, have you seen Néstor?
Gloria: I sent him off. Nobody's taking anyone's money today.
Manny: Oh, I didn't need that much from him. I just need to reshoot the end of my thesis film. The special effects are weak, and Prague was clearly faked.

Jay: That's what you're wearing to my club?
Manny: I'm headed right for the spa, and their robes stink like old rich guys... cigars, Scotch, and the panicked sweat of impending irrelevance.
Jay: Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell.

Manny: Rather than push Mom away, give her a reason to come home. For years, women have been waiting at their door for their husbands, martini in hand, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. Maybe it's your turn.
Jay: You don't want to see this in Saran Wrap.
Manny: It's a metaphor. Come on. Do something sweet, and I bet the whole thing turns around. Who knows better how to love my mother, me or you?
Jay: You better get a job with mental-health benefits before all that bubbles up.

Jay: Look, I know you breastfed until you could stand, but aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?
Manny: This isn't for Halloween. I'm in final rehearsals for my one-man show "Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again." I've saved you four seats, but if you need more...
Jay: No, four's good.
Manny: So, what's the surprise?
Jay: Well, it's kind of a Joe thing. You know, he's out trick-or-treating with his friends. I-I'll wait till he comes home to show it to him.
Manny: Hmm, playing favorites with your sons, perhaps unconsciously repeating the cycle your own father perpetuated on...
Jay: You know, one ticket's gonna be good enough.

Manny: Perhaps this candy bar represents your lost innocence?
Jay: It represents delicious chocolate. You're sure you gave this to a Spider-Man?
Manny: I'm sure. You know, it's also hard to ignore that this object you seek has a phallic shape...
Jay: Why did I talk you out of that mime major?

Manny: Here's your cappuccino.
Jay: Ah.
Manny: None for me. I don't need to be sharp to experience the empty void that is life without Sherry Shaker.
Jay: What are these little drawings in the milk?
Manny: That's me staring out a window. I made the stars with my tears.

Gloria: Manny, violence is never the answer.
Jay: Kid, you don't know what you're doing.
Manny: Uh, yes, I do. I got a "satisfactory" in Beginning Stage Combat. And action!

Manny: Hello, all. Forgive my somber drapings, but like Masha in Chekhov's "The Seagull," I am in mourning for my life. And don't worry. I don't want any trouble. Today is not about me. It's about family. Our family. And the deep, profound love we share.
Alex: [inspecting a cheese ball] Man, that's cheesy.
Manny: Maybe, but it's how I feel.
Cameron: Thank you, Manny, for reminding us all what's important and how this should be the most memorable Christmas. Manny, would you care for a champagne cocktail?
Manny: Please. I do love champagne. And maybe when I turn my back, Luke can put his tongue all over it. [sobbing] Everything hurts! [whimpers]