Reese: I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already committed to this party.
Malcolm: Reese, you've seen enough teenage movies to know how badly this is going to turn out.
Reese: I haven't just seen them, I've studied them. And I found the fatal flaw. In very one of those movies, the party was on a Saturday night. Mine? Friday. This gives me an extra day to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing, turn back the odometer, and get the dead bodies back in the ground.
Malcolm: Please don't do this to me.
Reese: Tell you what, Malcolm. I'll try and keep the front room closet off limits as long as I can.

Hal: This is the turkey you got?
Reese: It's perfect.
Hal: It's really small.
Reese: Well, if it were any bigger, it wouldn't be able to fit inside of this!
Hal: What? Y-You're going to put our dinner inside that monster?
Reese: It's a monkfish. The juices of the monkfish will baste the turkey. The flavor from the turkey will saturate the fish, both melding into one fantastic dish.
Hal: Reese, this doesn't seem like a good idea.
Reese: I don't know, Dad. Maybe you're right. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. [sticks spoon in Hal's mouth]
Hal: Oh! Mmm! You know, that really shouldn't work.
Reese: [to the monkfish] Listen, my ugly beauty. Yesterday you were sucking scum off the bottom of the sea. Tonight you're going to tango with the gods. [moves mouth] Yes, master, I will be delicious for you.

Malcolm: How much blood do we have left?
Stevie: Plenty. I snuck... another pint... when he was sleeping.
Malcolm: Stevie!
Stevie: He wants... to help.
Malcolm: I know, but I took care of that. He kept bugging me, so I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
Reese: [runs in] Guys, guys! I've made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! I'm gonna name it... [holds up vial of green liquid] "blellow."

Malcolm: Okay, you know what? This is stupid. We have to talk about this.
Reese: Right. I mean, just because it's weird doesn't mean we can't handle it. We're brothers.
Malcolm: Right. We've been through everything together. We shouldn't be pussy footing around about it. I got you something.
Reese: Hey, I got you something.
Malcolm: Really? See, this is what I'm talking about. We're being open and supportive and honest with each other. Here.
Reese: What's this? It's called "If You're Gay, It's Okay." It's full of great resources.
Malcolm: What's this?
Reese: Naughty Pool Boys III. I watched ten or twelve of these, and this one seems to have the most stuff you guys like.

Lois: Oh, my God!
Dewey: Did you hear something?
Lois: What are you boys doing up there?
Malcolm: It's Mom!
Dewey: How'd she know where to find us?
Reese: I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Malcolm: So where'd you go today?
Reese: Oh, man, it was fantastic. Went down to the pet store, fed a bunch of the pets to the other pets, ended up at the supermarket, where I squeezed all the Wonder Bread into balls till the manager threw me out. I left a little present in his convertible. Well, it was somebody's convertible.
Malcolm: You couldn't have bothered to tell me about Ditch Day?
Reese: There was a ditch day?!

Malcolm: Reese, where have you been all night?
Reese: I started chasing these dogs, and it turned out they were really cool. So we went to the park, and then we found a tennis ball. And I took it from Toffee, and then Toffee took it from me and gave it to Rusty. And then we drank some water. And then we turned over some trash cans. Then Lucky did this hilarious thing where he rubs his butt on the ground. I can't do it. So then we chased this cat that was all like, "Agh!" Stupid cat. Then we stopped at the 7-Eleven, and I went inside and had a Coke while they had some burritos out of the Dumpster. Spike ate his twice.
Malcolm: Wait a minute. You spent the night in a dog pack?
Reese: Yeah. So then there were these squirrels who were like, "We're up in a tree, you'll never get us."
Malcolm: You're talking about them like they're friends. They're just animals.
Reese: Well, I'm sorry that we're not like your friends, sitting around all intellectual, discussing multiplication.
Malcolm: You can't get into bed like that. You stink.
Reese: Hey, I got checked out pretty thoroughly in that department, and I didn't hear any complaints.

Malcolm: Are you studying?
Reese: Yeah. My stupid teachers wait until the end of my senior year to tell me I have final exams. In every single class! I've got to get serious now. If the finals are anything like this practice test, it's gonna be brutal.
Malcolm: It's just a bunch of true/false questions.
Reese: So it's a 50-50 chance. Do you know what the odds are of getting one of those right?

Reese: This judges' manual is unbelievable. It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules on what's attractive and what isn't. There's a whole page on ankle symmetry. And you know what I learned?
Malcolm: What?
Reese: I'm beautiful.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection. My lips are exactly twice the length of the distance between my eyes. My philtrum is gracefully tapered. My earlobe is the perfect 1.4 centimetres. And it just goes on and on. You can measure me if you don't believe it.
Malcolm: Are you going to help Mom or not?
Reese: I understand your anger, Malcolm. Unattractive people can become very threatened by this. It's probably why I have so few friends.

Reese: You can bite my American ass, Zhao Lee.
Dewey: What's that?
Reese: The school made us adopt pen pals from different countries. I got stuck with this loser from China.
Dewey: What's wrong with China?
Reese: It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks or get your nunchucks autographed by the emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. He's so arrogant. When I draw squiggles, it's nonsense. When he does it, it's a language. I was so pissed. But then I thought, be the better man, and reason with the guy.
Dewey: "Do you want me to kick your butt? Check yes or no."
Reese: And there's his response. He couldn't even follow simple instructions.
Dewey: "You need help, Reese."
Reese: He thinks a whole planet between us is going to protect him. He thinks he's so smart. We'll see who's smart when I mail myself to China and kick his upside-down ass.