Dewey: Is that a bee?
Hal: That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.
Dewey: Where did this come from?
Hal: Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the toolshed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.
Dewey: You did it yourself? How'd you know how to do that?
Hal: It's instinctual. See, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison, you have to buy that.
Dewey: I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.
Hal: It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Reese: You can bite my American ass, Zhao Lee.
Dewey: What's that?
Reese: The school made us adopt pen pals from different countries. I got stuck with this loser from China.
Dewey: What's wrong with China?
Reese: It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks or get your nunchucks autographed by the emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. He's so arrogant. When I draw squiggles, it's nonsense. When he does it, it's a language. I was so pissed. But then I thought, be the better man, and reason with the guy.
Dewey: "Do you want me to kick your butt? Check yes or no."
Reese: And there's his response. He couldn't even follow simple instructions.
Dewey: "You need help, Reese."
Reese: He thinks a whole planet between us is going to protect him. He thinks he's so smart. We'll see who's smart when I mail myself to China and kick his upside-down ass.

Reese: Six boxes of cereal, two gallons of milk, eight peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, adult diapers and Madlibs.
Dewey: You thought of everything.
Reese: And I also packed some barbells so I can get there in fighting shape.
Dewey: They look like soup cans.
Reese: You noticed. See, there's a lot of things that serve two purposes. Like my pillow. It's stuffed with M&M's so I can sleep and snack from the same source. It's the same way NASA designed the old space capsules.
Dewey: The very same.

Lois: Hal what are you doing home? It's 10:15.
Hal: It's that bee, Lois. He attacked me again on my way to the car. I barely made it back in here. The damn thing won't leave me alone. He's on some crazy vendetta.
Lois: Hal!
Hal: Okay, maybe it's not that crazy when you think about it. I mean, I did kill all his family and friends and basically destroyed his whole world. That's got to come as a blow.
Lois: Hal, you have got to go to work.
Hal: I know, you're right. This is absurd. [sighs] Okay. Here's the plan, Lois. I am going to move very casually toward the back door and draw his attention over there.
Once he's diverted, you run lickety-split to my car and drive it right up here to the side doors. Honk the horn. Two short beeps, then one long. I'll count to three, we'll open the doors simultaneously.
Lois: You've got to be kidding me.
Hal: Hey, I am not going to let some bee run my life.

Malcolm: You got the car? How'd you get the car?
Jessica: I just had a little shopping to do, and your mom insisted I take the car.
Malcolm: What do you mean she insisted? I've been begging her for weeks. Every time I ask, she says no.
Jessica: That's where you made your mistake. I just got all vulnerable and poured on stuff about my dad. It was easy.
Malcolm: No way.
Jessica: Look, Malcolm, it's not something I'm proud of, believe me. It's how I've learned to survive in my twisted family. They're like a total cesspool of manipulation and emotional blackmail. Everyone screwing everyone over. I don't even know a true, honest way to connect with people anymore. It's sick. I'm sick! [sobs]
Malcolm: Jessica, wait. [picks up shopping bags] I'm sorry.
Jessica: Ah, thanks for carrying my bags for me, Malcolm. Told you it was easy.

Reese: I can't wait to see his face when he opens up his mail and I pop out.
Dewey: Uh-huh. And how are you supposed to get back after you beat him up?
Reese: Dewey, you know nothing about Asian culture. After I humiliate him, I earn his respect, plus half his land and his sister, if she's hot. [whispers] All I got to do is stay off of Mom's radar for the next three days. [to Lois] You call this clean? I have to say, Mom, if you're just going to phone it in, why even bother?
Lois: You just bought yourself two days grounded in your room.
Reese: Fine. Maybe you can use that time to learn how to roll socks.
Lois: Make it three days. You want to try for more?
Reese: Nope. Three's perfect.

Reese: And you'll be ready with the tapes to cover with Mom, right?
Dewey: Yeah.
Reese: All right, let's get moving. I want to be at the post office for the 4:00 pick-up.
Dewey: Should I get you stamped "fragile"?
Reese: What's that supposed to mean? [punches Dewey's shoulder]
[Dewey rides off with his bicycle pulling a cart carrying Reese's crate. Later, Dewey pulls back onto the driveway with Reese's crate still being pulled behind him. Back in the garage, Dewey kicks the crate off the cart.]
Reese: And the journey begins.

Malcolm: Okay, well, I'm not that tall.
Jessica: That's what you're going with?
Malcolm: I don't know. This is hard.
Jessica: We'll go down the list and see which one makes you feel the most uncomfortable. We've established that you're short.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: And pretty scrawny.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: And completely self-absorbed.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: With huge mother issues.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: You don't really put out a sexual vibe.
Malcolm: Hey!
Jessica: Bingo.

Lois: Aw, this crisper is disgusting. It's like vegetable soup in there. Malcolm, get a sponge and clean it out.
Malcolm: Okay.
Lois: You're not going to fight me or try to weasel out of it? [Malcolm shrugs] All right, what's wrong?
Malcolm: Nothing. It's just- There's this math test coming up, and I don't know...
Lois: Malcolm, stop. You're going to ace it like you always do.
Malcolm: That's just the point. You totally expect me to get a hundred. My teacher expects me to get a hundred. Everyone expects me to get a hundred. Do you know what it's like every time you do anything in school to have everyone expect you to be perfect? Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that puts on you?
[later:]
Malcolm: It was so easy. I started with this load of crap about my math test and then the rest just came pouring out of me so naturally. Before I knew it she was telling me to take the car and go and have fun with my friends. She even gave me money for gas.
Jessica: Nice. Is that a tear?
Malcolm: No.

Hal: Malcolm, you wouldn't happen to know the life expectancy of a bee, would you?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Hal: Great. What's the point of hauling around that giant head of yours if you can't retain a few simple facts?
Lois: Hal, he gets enough pressure from school without his family piling on.
Malcolm: [to camera] Did Mom just defend me? Wow, this vulnerability crap is more effective than I thought.