Phil: Okay, Lois, here's your question if you're ready. "How has motherhood kept you young?"
Lois: ... I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question. Motherhood definitely does a lot of things, but the one thing it does not do is keep you young. Oh, my God, it ages you horribly. Youth is about having choices, but once you're a mother, you have no choices. You're stuck loving your children. You get gray hair loving them. You lose sleep loving them. You lose out on all those other things that you always thought you'd do. But even with all of that, the amazing thing is... you're okay with it. It's like some wonderful... curse. [Phil chuckles] [applause]
Hal: That was amazing. I don't know where you came up with that crap, but you nailed it.

Reese: This judges' manual is unbelievable. It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules on what's attractive and what isn't. There's a whole page on ankle symmetry. And you know what I learned?
Malcolm: What?
Reese: I'm beautiful.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection. My lips are exactly twice the length of the distance between my eyes. My philtrum is gracefully tapered. My earlobe is the perfect 1.4 centimetres. And it just goes on and on. You can measure me if you don't believe it.
Malcolm: Are you going to help Mom or not?
Reese: I understand your anger, Malcolm. Unattractive people can become very threatened by this. It's probably why I have so few friends.

Mr. Herkabe: You don't pay mileage, I had to park in the structure, and you call this a gift bag? I saw two judges with the mini-lipstick set and the lemon scented moisturizer.
Malcolm: Mr. Herkabe, what are you doing here?
Mr. Herkabe: I happen to be one of the judges. What, may I ask, are you doing here?
Malcolm: You know, curiosity. It's kind of a sociologically interesting-
Mr. Herkabe: My God, your mother's in the pageant.
Malcolm: Well, technically.
Mr. Herkabe: Hmm. And I happen to have certain powers that might influence that outcome. Isn't that interesting?
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Herkabe: I just think that's really interesting. Don't you find it interesting?
Malcolm: Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to.
Woman: I'm sorry, sir. They were out of the moisturizer, but I found these.
Mr. Herkabe: Fine. I'll take the smoked almonds, the loofah glove- Oh, just give me the whole box.

Reese: [laughs] Wait, wait, how about this? "Mother's wonderful, quiet dignity."
Malcolm: [laughs] No, her "sensitive, quiet dignity."
Dewey: What are you guys doing?
Malcolm: We were at the mall and they had these entry forms for the Mrs. Tri-County contest. Look at these questions. "How does your mother bring joy into your life?" [all laugh]
Reese: How about the time she shaved the word "liar" into my head?
Malcolm: "She always finds time to dote on our personal appearance."
Lois: What's so funny? [boys fall silent]
Reese: Uh...
Malcolm: Reese saw a Japanese guy on the Internet puke into an electric fan.
Reese: They are ahead of us in so many ways.

Hal: You little monsters! You have really done it this time!
Malcolm: Dad, it was a joke. I didn't know Reese was going to mail the stupid thing.
Dewey: We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
Hal: You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believes her sons love her. What a moron. I've got it. Why don't you just blindfold your mother and throw her down some stairs?! That'd be fun!
Malcolm: We're sorry.
Reese: Yeah.
Hal: Well, it's too late for sorry. Here's what's going to happen. We are all going down to the Civic Center as a family, and you boys are going to do everything in your power to make sure this is the most unhumiliating night of your mother's life.

Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm, I need you to do a job for me. It's urgent. I've been exchanging some very meaningful glances with one of the contestants.
Malcolm: You know they're all married, don't you?
Mr. Herkabe: Yes, of course. And that's why it would be indecent of me not to be discrete. Darlene Fisher. Green sweat suit. I need you to pass her this note for me.
Malcolm: You want me to find out if she likes you? Forget it.
Mr. Herkabe: I respect your stand, Malcolm, and I want you to know this will in no way affect my judging of your mother. Or will it?

Hal: Okay, you're next. Now, no matter what question they ask you, remember to use your key phrases: "empowering women", "the beauty within", "helping those in need". And don't forget, end with "May God bless America."
Lois: Right, right, and when do I say the stuff about world peace?
Hal: No, no, no, no, no, we got rid of that. You don't want to come off like a liberal nut case.

Lois: Apparently I've been entered into the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant.
Hal: What?
Lois: The boys entered me in this pageant.
Hal: "Lucky to have her in our lives." "Too special to be kept a secret." "She suffers in silence."? Oh, can you believe this?
Lois: I know. They do all these horrible things and then they go and do something like this.
Hal: Yes, well, they're good boys.

Lois: God, I think of suffering through all those pageants slaving for my sister all those years. Susan was always the big star, and I was her invisible little troll. Carrying her gowns for Queen of Harvest Festival. Ironing her sash for Miss Mammogram.
Hal: Well, no one ever appreciates the star maker, Lois.
Lois: Once I was hemming her dress for Dairy Princess and a photographer stood on my back to take her picture.
Hal: Bastards wouldn't know a Dairy Princess if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Reese: Look at all these old broads trying to look hot. I mean, don't know they know we're done with them?