Lois: Good morning, Malcolm. There's money on the counter for your yearbook.
Malcolm: I don't want to buy a yearbook. I don't want anything that will remind me I ever went to that stupid school.
Reese: How can you say that? Being part of a group is important. Don't you care about loyalty? I think loyalty is the most important thing there is.
Lois: Well, I'm glad at least one of my sons knows something about that.
[Reese sees the mail man walking down the drive:]
Reese: [shouts through the window] Hey! What are you doing here?! This isn't your house! You don't live here! We live here! This is our house! What do you want?! Huh?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?!

Hal: A motivation seminar. For the whole weekend! Can you believe this? Like I need motivation.
Lois: And they just told you about it today?
Hal: They claim it was in some "memo" they sent me three months ago. So now, suddenly my job includes weekend seminars and memo-reading.
Lois: Can they really force you to go?
Hal: Lois, they can make you do anything. Once you sign up for a job in this country, you give away the whole kit and kaboodle. Our weekends, our house, our kids... we don't own any of it.
Lois: Okay, everybody, dinner.
Hal: This is all just an exercise to remind the little man who's boss. They're just trying to motivate me to keep me in my place, to kill any dreams I might have of ever digging my way out... Oh, my God, it starts at 9:00?

Malcolm: Reese, where have you been all night?
Reese: I started chasing these dogs, and it turned out they were really cool. So we went to the park, and then we found a tennis ball. And I took it from Toffee, and then Toffee took it from me and gave it to Rusty. And then we drank some water. And then we turned over some trash cans. Then Lucky did this hilarious thing where he rubs his butt on the ground. I can't do it. So then we chased this cat that was all like, "Agh!" Stupid cat. Then we stopped at the 7-Eleven, and I went inside and had a Coke while they had some burritos out of the Dumpster. Spike ate his twice.
Malcolm: Wait a minute. You spent the night in a dog pack?
Reese: Yeah. So then there were these squirrels who were like, "We're up in a tree, you'll never get us."
Malcolm: You're talking about them like they're friends. They're just animals.
Reese: Well, I'm sorry that we're not like your friends, sitting around all intellectual, discussing multiplication.
Malcolm: You can't get into bed like that. You stink.
Reese: Hey, I got checked out pretty thoroughly in that department, and I didn't hear any complaints.

Dewey: Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library, and I forgot to look at the clock...
Lois: Do you think I'm a idiot?
Dewey: Huh?
Lois: Do you think I don't know where you've been?
Dewey: What do you mean?
Lois: Did you think I wouldn't recognize the signs? The clean fingernails, good posture, the cookie crumbs in your pockets. You're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.
Dewey: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lois: Don't lie to me!

Reese: I never thought about how it would end. It just felt so cool to belong.
Malcolm: The important thing is you're out.
Reese: But my boys... They rounded us all up and then these vets came in, and one by one...
Malcolm: They killed them?
Reese: No. But they're not my boys anymore.

Dewey: Sorry. I forgot how late it was.
Lois: Why are your fingernails clean? Did you clean your fingernails?
Dewey: I thought I'd try it, and it turns out I like it. It makes me feel good about myself.
Lois: Well, that's enough of that. It's time for dinner.

Lois: Damn. Pack of dogs is in the garbage again. Go away. [throws mug out the window] Scat. You know why they like our trash is Jamie's dirty diapers. If he digested his food a little better, there wouldn't be so much for them to eat in there. [serves food] Filthy, disgusting animals.
Reese: You know, Mom, if you double-bagged the trash, the dogs might not be able to smell it.
Malcolm: [to camera] Uh-oh. Reese just made the classic mistake of expressing an interest in something that Mom said.
Lois: All right, Reese, since you're so full of good ideas, why don't you be in charge of cleaning up the garbage from now on.
Malcolm: [to camera] If he just shuts up now, it might not get any worse.
Reese: I don't see why it matters if some dogs dump a little garbage on our lawn. The backyard's a mess already.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, this is hard to watch.

Reese: Hey, get lost. Get out of here. You come back to laugh at me? You think you're so smart? I am a human being. I am probably smarter than the smartest dog that's ever lived. Now shoo. Shoo. I've got a gun! You make one step, and you're all getting it. [throws sandal] Go away! Hey, that's mine! Give it back! [runs after dogs]

Dewey: It's not what you think.
Lois: Who is she?
Dewey: Why does that matter?
Lois: Who is she?!
Dewey: Mrs. Finnegan. It doesn't mean anything. A couple of weeks ago, I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice, and there was cake.
Lois: Well, it'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.
Dewey: I wasn't expecting any.
Lois: After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done... you come waltzing in here day after day, reeking of her fabric softener.
Dewey: Yes. I like fabric softener. Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle. And maybe it's nice to have someone who's got more to say to me than just, "Clean your room," "Comb your hair", [mumbles indistinctly]
Lois: Do you love her?!
Dewey: Of course not. It's just snacks.
Lois: Oh, you like her snacks? You like filling up on her cookies? You know they're store-bought.
Dewey: That's beneath you, Mom.

Reese: Guys, I need a night off. I've been out with you I very night this week. [to Malcolm] They really want me to come.
Malcolm: Reese, this is crazy. What could you possibly be getting out of this?
Reese: You don't know how good it feels. You know where you stand with these guys. I've got Toffee and Jonesy under me, but I'm under Duke, Chewy and Spike. Scout tried to cross the highway yesterday, so I moved up. And Lucky's totally the boss. There's no phonies. You know what a growl means, you know what a lick means.
Malcolm: You're kidding yourself. You're not one of them.
Reese: You're just jealous 'cause I'm popular.