Malcolm: How much blood do we have left?
Stevie: Plenty. I snuck... another pint... when he was sleeping.
Malcolm: Stevie!
Stevie: He wants... to help.
Malcolm: I know, but I took care of that. He kept bugging me, so I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
Reese: [runs in] Guys, guys! I've made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! I'm gonna name it... [holds up vial of green liquid] "blellow."

Dewey: Hello, sir.
Man: Sorry. I don't eat candy.
Dewey: Oh, these aren't candy bars. These are America Bars.
Man: What are you talking about?
Dewey: You know, America Bars. Well, actually, I prefer the term "Freedom Bars." You love America, right?
Man: Well, of course I do.
Dewey: Well, there are a lot of people out there who are hoping we won't do our part.
Man: What do you mean?
Dewey: You know. People. People who don't have this country's best interests at heart.
Man: So, these candy bars help fight terrorism?
Dewey: With every chocolatey, nougaty bite.

Reese: What's that? Ah. The stink of failure.
Malcolm: Okay, Reese. We give up. Just tell us what you did and we'll give you credit.
Reese: Okay, just sign this.
Malcolm: "Reese is a full partner in this experiment and is entitled to a full share of the credit because without his help, this would have been impossible."
[Malcolm signs the paper and hands it to Stevie to sign]
Stevie: Outwitted... by a dumb ass.

Malcolm: Reese... this is important. It's for medicine. This enzyme could help save somebody's life one day. Just please try to think about what you did.
Reese: Um... I can't. I'm sorry. I don't know. I was just hanging out in the room like I always do.
Stevie: Re... create it.
Malcolm: Yeah, that's a great idea. Just do everything you did when you were in the room by yourself. Just close your eyes and pretend. See everything you did in your mind's eye and then just do what you see. Stevie and I aren't even here. You're alone in the room just like before.
Reese: Okay, let's see... First thing was... you guys left. And then I went to the test tubes... ...to see what an enzyme tasted like. But then it was boring already. And then... I saw something shiny... and I put it in my "shiny" box. And then... Right. And then I got one of Malcolm's shirts... and then I... [sticks shirt down his pants and "flosses" with it]
Malcolm: Oh, my God.
Reese: Then I played with Dewey's Game Boy.

Reese: [sticking action figure in ear] ...and then my ears were finally clean. Then I was going to update my enemies list, but I remembered I had math homework. Didn't get it. Didn't get it. Didn't get it. Didn't get it. [hits self] Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. [looks in mirror] I hate you, I hate you. [sits on bath and puts head in hands] Then I worked on my triceps.
Malcolm: Hey, no one likes math. Sorry.
Reese: That's okay.
Malcolm: So, what'd you do next?
Reese: Nothing. I started playing with the ball. [throws ball at ceiling]
Malcolm: Well, I guess we won't...
Stevie: Throw it... again.
Malcolm: What?
Stevie: Reese, keep throwing it. Look. It separated.
Malcolm: It separated! There must be asbestos in the ceiling. Of course.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: Reese, you did it. Asbestos is a highly mutagenic material. It can change the way cells reproduce - these cells. And it's been here the whole time. We have asbestos in our ceiling.
All: We have asbestos in our ceiling!
Malcolm: [flatly] Yay.
Reese: What?

Malcolm: Stevie, come on. Jonas Salk would've solved this days ago.
Stevie: He wasn't... working with... an idiot.
Malcolm: You're calling me an idiot? You want to make a type-two-restriction enzyme in yeast without using any bacteria, and I'm the idiot?
Stevie: Yes... and yes. We have to... try something.
Malcolm: What do you think I've been doing for the last two weeks?
Reese: When am I getting my room back? I can't work on my sexy-face out there in front of Mom. What are you guys doing in here anyway?
Malcolm: Trying to create a new kind of restriction enzyme. What does it look like?
Reese: You're messing up my room for that?
Malcolm: This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country.
Stevie: Then everyone... will pay.

Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Stevie: It... separated!
Malcolm: Yeah! We did it! We made an enzyme! Unbelievable! What'd you do to it?
Stevie: I didn't... do anything.
Malcolm: What? Well, neither did I.
[Malcolm picks up the uncapped vial, which has a green stain on it, and shows it to Stevie]
Stevie: Blellow!

Dewey: [holding Jamie] This baby's mother is 13 years old. Every candy bar you buy goes towards buying unwed mothers like her schoolbooks and hot lunches.
Woman: I'll get my purse.

[A toy car crashes into Lois's leg with a note on it]
Lois: "How angry would you be if someone broke your antique music box?" Oh. What do you mean? Does it play at all? [The car swings from side to side] Great. What, were you roughhousing in my bedroom? [The car bounces up and down] And I don't suppose you're even gonna come out here and face your punishment? [The car swings from side to side] Hal, is that you? [the car retreats]

Malcolm: Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated...
Reese: Maybe I can help.
Malcolm: That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.
Reese: Why do you do that? I offered to help you, and you turn it around and make it about me being stupid. Seriously. I might have something to contribute. Why don't you just give me a chance?
[cut to Malcolm holding a bag of blood as Reese lays on the bed with his arm raised:]
Malcolm: [whispers to Stevie] That's two pints. We'd better not take any more.
Reese: [sweating] This is so exciting. I feel like I'm going to faint!