Francis: Well, this just sounds like a blast to me. Why do I have to go, again?
Lois: Because it's a family picnic, Francis, and you're a member of this family.
Francis: Oh, right, see, I just keep forgetting that, being forced to live a thousand miles away at military school and all.

Francis: Mom was right. I do get some sick thrill out of trouble.

Reese: Couldn't you have gotten in trouble after Halloween?
Francis: Guys, I'm sorry. I know I let you down, but... I really didn't have a choice. I mean, the commandant's fake leg was just lying there in the closet begging for a novelty bumper sticker. It was a snap decision, but I really think I did the right thing.

Francis: Boys, the time has come. You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever. Behold.
Dewey: That's not a flying chocolate maker.
Reese: This is just a bunch of tubes.
Francis: Trust me.
Reese: I do trust you, but... I expected something a little more...
Malcolm: [looking at blueprint] Oh, my God. Will this work?
Francis: Absolutely.
Reese: What? What is it?
Malcolm: It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot.
Francis: A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two city blocks. Picture yourself you're walking down the street, you're minding your own business when all of a sudden... bam! You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint or any number of foul-smelling liquids. And you never, ever know who did it.
Reese: It's the perfect weapon.
Malcolm: Reese, are you crying?
Reese: [emotional] No.

Francis: [on the phone] Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my... [whispers] birthday.
Lois: Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back here in the middle of the week. You'd only be here for eight hours.
Francis: But, Mom...
Lois: Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving, and that's all we can afford right now.
Francis: Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their... [whispers] birthday. They strip you naked, and they shave every hair off your body and they throw you in the reflecting pond. Is that what you want for me?
Lois: I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better; at least more believable.
Francis: What stories?
Lois: Oh, when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the academy was being terrorized by a pack of feral dogs?
Francis: Which were never caught.
Lois: Francis, I want you home for your birthday, too, but we just can't afford it.
Francis: Fine. I guess I'll just fend for myself and hope these monsters don't find out it's my... you know.

Francis: [on the phone] If anyone asks, you just have to say we were on a father-son fishing trip yesterday.
Hal: What did you do?
Francis: Really, Dad, do the specifics matter? I mean, you have to do this for me.
Hal: I am not going to lie for you.
Francis: Okay, I'm calling in my chit.
Hal: What chit?
Francis: You know, the one-time thing. I just call it in and you do it, no questions asked.
Hal: That doesn't exist, Francis.
Francis: Dad.
Hal: No, I'm sorry, son, I can't help you. You're gonna have to face the consequences of your actions like a grown-up.
Francis: All I have to say is, I am very disappointed in you.

Lois: Oh, hi, honey.
Francis: Do you people have any idea what this kind of mindless labor does to a person? It kills your soul. It turns your mind into jelly and it crushes your spirit to dust.
Lois: Oh, Craig called. He wants you there tomorrow at 7:00 instead of 8:00.
Hal: Oh, and can you keep it down when you get up in the morning? I'm sleeping in.

Francis: Big news, guys. Things are going to get a lot more interesting around here.
Malcolm: What's up? I forget you guys enjoy wrestling, don't you?
Reese: Rage in the Cage?!
Malcolm: Oh, my God! You're the best brother ever! We're going to have so much f... That's only two tickets.
Francis: I know. How am I ever going to decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No, of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me... but I bet one of you loves me just a little bit more.

Francis: Hey, Ma, can I borrow the car to go over to Richie's house?
Lois: Uh, no.
Francis: Why not?
Lois: Because whenever you return the car, it's always filthy.
Francis: That is so unfair. You always assume the worst of me.
Lois: Assume? I see it.
Francis: How am I going to show you that I've actually grown up if you never give me the chance?!
Lois: Okay, I'm listening.
Francis: Okay, how about if I wash the car before I take it? [looks at Malcolm and Reese] And I'll rake the leaves and I'll scoop out the gutters, and if that's not enough, I'll clean the whole attic!
Malcolm: Mom, give him a break.
Lois: Okay, you got yourself a deal. Bring it home in one piece.
Francis: You need anything ironed, Mom?

Francis: [on the phone] No, just you're kind of putting me in an awkward position. I mean, you're asking me to rat out my brothers.
Lois: Francis, we're just worried about the boys. They're not going to get into trouble.
Francis: Oh? When did they get new parents?
Kitty: Listen, you little miscreant, you better tell me where they are before I jump through the phone and rip that smart mouth off that damn face!
Francis: Who is that?
Kitty: My name is Kitty Kenarban, and my little boy Stevie is out there lost. His inhaler is running out, and he's got poor night vision.
Francis: Wait, Stevie's with them? Okay, you didn't hear it from me, but I'd check out the old paint factory. It's fun to blow up the old cans of varnish. Oh, and the knife store on Fifth has a back door that's loose. If Stevie could swim... then I'd guess they'd be 40 miles downstream by now. Look, just start at these places. The others are too alarming, and there's no sense in needlessly scaring you.