Malcolm: Okay, what the hell was that milk thing on the playground?
Reese: I don't know. I had to do something.
Malcolm: So you poured milk on yourself? Why didn't you just pound that kid?
Reese: Because I'm sick of doing that. I'm sick of beating up little kids. It's creepy.
Malcolm: But that's you. That's what you do.
Reese: Not anymore. That was the old me. The thing I did at school today was me destroying the old Reese.
Malcolm: So, drenching yourself with chocolate milk was like a baptism?
Reese: No, idiot. I was washing away the old me and starting over.

Lois: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Mom, great news. I figured out a way to get home Wednesday.
Lois: Francis...
Francis: No, it won't cost you a cent. One of the cadet's fathers is a trucker. He said I can ride in the refrigerator compartment to the 609 interchange. And a buddy of his flies a crop duster. Now, if he's sober, he should be able to drop me off at the soybean field near the train station...

Lois: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to you?
Malcolm: What happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me. Since Reese got whipped by that girl, he stopped being the school bully, so now there's no one to protect me from people who think I'm an unfunny little smart ass, which is evidently everyone.
Hal: Well, you can be a little sarcastic.
Malcolm: Thanks, Dad. I feel better.
Hal: Case in point. [to Lois] Well, he can be.

Francis: [on the phone] Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my... [whispers] birthday.
Lois: Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back here in the middle of the week. You'd only be here for eight hours.
Francis: But, Mom...
Lois: Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving, and that's all we can afford right now.
Francis: Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their... [whispers] birthday. They strip you naked, and they shave every hair off your body and they throw you in the reflecting pond. Is that what you want for me?
Lois: I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better; at least more believable.
Francis: What stories?
Lois: Oh, when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the academy was being terrorized by a pack of feral dogs?
Francis: Which were never caught.
Lois: Francis, I want you home for your birthday, too, but we just can't afford it.
Francis: Fine. I guess I'll just fend for myself and hope these monsters don't find out it's my... you know.

Dabney: You know... Reese's embarrassing defeat could have serious consequences for us all. He'll be working extra hard to prove he's still on top of the food chain.
Lloyd: You're saying we could actually have a meaner, more vicious Reese on our hands?
Dabney: It's very possible. We can't avoid the beatings, but I suggest that, as a wedgie deterrent, we go without underwear for the next several days.

Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: Selling my material possessions.
Malcolm: Why?!
Reese: 'Cause Brother Billy told me to.
Malcolm: Brother Billy?! You mean that nut who rides around in the school bus handing out pamphlets?
Reese: It's called a manifesto. And he is not a nut once you stop and listen to him. He and his followers have this awesome compound in Oregon where we're going to live off the land.
Malcolm: You're going off with this guy?!
Reese: Don't worry, it is totally safe. They have guard dogs, watchtowers...

Malcolm: I wonder what it's like to get beat up by a girl.
Lloyd: It's totally humiliating. You just want to die. Your brother didn't soil himself, did he?
Malcolm: No.
Lloyd: Neither did I.

Lois: [on the phone] Uh, your father got us tickets to see Jimmy Buffett.
Francis: And this concert wouldn't happen to be on Wednesday night, would it? My birthday?
Lois: Uh, yes, it is, but that has nothing to do...
Francis: Oh, now I get it. You can't afford to bring me home, but somehow you find money for Jimmy Buffett tickets.
Lois: Francis, that's not the way it is at all. They were free tickets.
Francis: Sure they were.
Lois: A friend of your father's gave them to us.
Hal: He's not really a friend.
Francis: You know, you guys should really get your stories straight before you try to ditch me on my... [whispers] birthday.

Malcolm: So the only reason those jerks have been putting up with me is because they're afraid of my brother?
Dabney: Actually, we're a bit tired of your act, too.
Malcolm: Those guys are nuts. I'm funny. Aren't I funny?
Lloyd: To be honest, you can be a little caustic.
Stevie: The word... is arrogant.
Dabney: How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? ... [pretends to look at a girl] Hey, she's cute.

Hal: Uh-oh.
Lois: Well, that's not fair. What do they expect him to do beat up a girl?
Reese: I get to beat up a girl. Cool.