Joe: Oh, this is the guy. This is Francis.
Phil: What I want to know is, how did you get the cow onto the roof of the gymnasium in the first place?
Francis: Ah, that was easy. The parachute was the problem. Did you know those things don't open unless you're thousands of feet in the air? You live, you learn. [to Hal] Did I ever tell you about that?
Hal: No. Look at this: archery, debating, field hockey... Look at all these clubs and teams, and you're not in any of them. There isn't even a picture of you in the yearbook.
Francis: Look under Pete Zahut.
Hal: I don't want to look under Pete Zahut.
Francis: No, no, no, if you say it fast, it sounds like...

Eric: Come on. You've done way worse to me. You totally deserve this.
Francis: Based on what?
[flashback to Francis and Eric playing pool in a bar:]
Francis: [to two burly guys] Will you Jethros just shut up!? Nobody cares how many bales of hay you can lift!
[flashback to Francis and Eric painting the walls of Marlin Academy with tiny brushes:}
Francis: So, now we know-- pigs can swim, cows can't.
[flashback to Francis and Eric being detained by two police officers:]
Francis: This is ridiculous. When did the word "Fascist" become such a hot button?
[present:]
Francis: I have been nothing but a good friend to you.
Eric: Look, Francis, I'm not going to argue. You'll do this or I'll punch your face through the back of your head.
Francis: See, every time I trump you with logic, you resort to violence. I just want that on the record.

Francis: Reese, damn it, you crazy idiot! Do you know what you are? You're me! Mom was right. We do love trouble. That's why we do stupid, moronic things like this.
Reese: What are you talking about? I'm gonna be famous.
Francis: This isn't about fame. It's about putting yourself in danger for no reason. It's an addiction to pain and suffering. And you know what? I'm done with it. And you should be, too, 'cause it isn't worth it.
Reese: That's easy for you to say. You've already had the glory.
Francis: Glory? You think this stupid, dangerous stunt gave me glory? I'll show you what it gave me. [lowers pants and bends over] Horrible, isn't it? Only the middle one's functional. [all groan] I can go now. I've been set free. Good-bye and good luck.
Boy: 11, 12... He got 12! Reese broke the record! [crowd cheers]
Francis: It doesn't matter! Didn't you people hear a word I said? Are you sure he got... What's the difference? That's not the point! What I'm trying to say is... Give me the bacon. I don't want an asterisk by my record.

[flashback:]
Lois: [on the phone] Hello, Dr. Sachs? It's Lois again. I know I just called, but my husband yelled at me again about being stricter with Francis, and I wanted to know if you could write me a note that says yelling at him could damage his psyche? [Francis grabs a cup and then opens a cupboard to get lighter fluid] It's such a tender time for Francis. He's so fragile and unformed and I just want to make sure I get it right, but everything I do feels wrong.
[Francis sits down with a cup, a teddy bear, lighter fluid and a box of matches]
Lois: [sobs] If this is all supposed to be so natural, why can't I get this? I love him so much and I want to be a good mother and I know I have to be stronger, but I just don't think I can look in his eyes and not give him what he wants. He has such a sweet little face and he's so innocent.
[Lois turns around and sees Francis trying to light a match]
Lois: [calmly] I'm going to have to call you back. [hangs up] Fire is dangerous.
[Lois picks up Francis's teddy bear and walks over to the fireplace and turns it on.]
Lois: Fire can hurt you. Fire can kill you. [smoke appears] I will not let that happen. Let me make one thing clear. I love you, and I will do whatever I have to to take care of you, and keep you safe and happy and alive. I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this: I will do anything. That is how much I love you.
[After the two eyes of the teddy bear fall onto the carpet as smoke fills the room, Francis goes over to his high chair and sits back down.]
[present:]
Lois: Yes. That's right. It's coming back to me; that sense of strength and power, and purpose I finally knew who I was, and what I was born to be.
Hal: Honey, you're back! [chuckles] I knew you could do it!
Francis: [cries] Mr. Fuzzles! [wails]
Lois: Thank you, Francis. You can go now.

Francis: I barely drank, and I'm an alcoholic.
Piama: It's true; I've only seen him tipsy once. He gets sick. I can't even give him cough syrup.
Lois: How the hell can you call yourself an alcoholic if you don't even drink?!
Francis: What do you mean?! My life was a wreck! I had no future, no hope. I had all the signs.
Lois: Except for the alcohol part.
Francis: Why do you keep harping on that?! Why do you have to do that?! You never let me have anything! You wouldn't let me have that bike or those throwing stars! Now you won't let me have alcoholism the one thing I'm doing right in my life!
Lois: Unbelievable. If it's not me, it's alcohol, right? The problem's always somewhere else. Francis, you need to take a look in the mirror. Come on, Hal, let's go home.
Francis: Wait a minute. You can't walk out on me! This is your problem, too!

Hal: AmeriSys Industries? What's that?
Francis: Shh! It's my employee badge. Please don't tell Mom, it'd make her too happy. She'd never let me live it down.
Hal: You got a job?
Francis: For the last two months. It's at this giant corporation. I'm in this tiny little cubicle, surrounded by hundreds of other tiny little cubicles, inputting numbers into a computer all day. And I love it. I love everything about it. I love the stability and the regular paychecks. I love my parking space. I love getting those stupid joke e-mails.
Hal: Oh, did you get the one about the two Irish guys? [both laugh]
Francis: That's a classic!

Hal: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Hey, Dad. I need a favor.
Hal: Let's hear it.
[Dewey sneaks into the kitchen and grabs a pack of chips from the kitchen before returning to his room]
Francis: Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car, and if I put in $100 I get the car every seventh weekend. I could take road trips and go on dates. I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.
Hal: Oh, come on, Francis. That's ridiculous. I'm not giving you the money to buy one-seventh of a piece of junk.
Francis: Okay. Just thought I'd ask. Later, Dad.
Hal: Bye.

Police Officer: License and registration.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Police Officer: This car has been reported stolen. License and registration, please.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[When Francis pulls out his wallet, he finds it has been emptied except for a Post-It note which reads "It gets worse"]
Police Officer: I'm not going to ask you again. License and registration.
Francis: Look, Officer, I know this looks bad, but... [banging]
Police Officer: Open the trunk, sir.
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Police Officer: Open the trunk!
[When the police officer walks to the back of the car, he finds Malcolm and Reese tied up in the trunk]
Police Officer: Get out of the car!

Francis: I thought I could trust you guys on your own for a few minutes. Well, obviously I was wrong. You are still the same stupid, reckless idiots you've always been.
Piama: Francis, you don't have to yell at them like that.
Francis: I'll yell at whoever I want! And even though I wish I hadn't said that, it's too late now! From now on, you boys stay away from the horses, the vehicles, the pool and the other guests. That means you are confined to your room until further notice.
Malcolm: You're sending us to our room?!
Francis: That's right.
Malcolm: I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom.
Francis: Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right.
Reese: You take that back!

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Young Master Malcolm.
Malcolm: Francis, hi.
Francis: Hey, man, I wrote you guys a really long letter yesterday but, listen, they only gave me, like, three minutes so would you put the special prosecutor on?
Malcolm: Mom, it's Francis.
Lois: [picks up the phone] Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.