Police Officer: License and registration.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Police Officer: This car has been reported stolen. License and registration, please.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[When Francis pulls out his wallet, he finds it has been emptied except for a Post-It note which reads "It gets worse"]
Police Officer: I'm not going to ask you again. License and registration.
Francis: Look, Officer, I know this looks bad, but... [banging]
Police Officer: Open the trunk, sir.
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Police Officer: Open the trunk!
[When the police officer walks to the back of the car, he finds Malcolm and Reese tied up in the trunk]
Police Officer: Get out of the car!

Francis: Big news, guys. Things are going to get a lot more interesting around here.
Malcolm: What's up? I forget you guys enjoy wrestling, don't you?
Reese: Rage in the Cage?!
Malcolm: Oh, my God! You're the best brother ever! We're going to have so much f... That's only two tickets.
Francis: I know. How am I ever going to decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No, of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me... but I bet one of you loves me just a little bit more.

Francis: Hey, Ma, can I borrow the car to go over to Richie's house?
Lois: Uh, no.
Francis: Why not?
Lois: Because whenever you return the car, it's always filthy.
Francis: That is so unfair. You always assume the worst of me.
Lois: Assume? I see it.
Francis: How am I going to show you that I've actually grown up if you never give me the chance?!
Lois: Okay, I'm listening.
Francis: Okay, how about if I wash the car before I take it? [looks at Malcolm and Reese] And I'll rake the leaves and I'll scoop out the gutters, and if that's not enough, I'll clean the whole attic!
Malcolm: Mom, give him a break.
Lois: Okay, you got yourself a deal. Bring it home in one piece.
Francis: You need anything ironed, Mom?

Malcolm: [to camera] Mom wasn't too thrilled about having to pick us up at the police station, but it was totally worth it. We don't have to serve Francis anymore. [to Craig] Here's your sandwich, Craig. Can I go to bed now?
Craig: Ooh, mayo on only one side?
Malcolm: It's a lot of mayo.
Craig: No one's saying it's not, but I specifically asked for it on both sides.
Malcolm: Craig...
Craig: Malcolm, I don't like this any more than you do, but it was your mom's idea. Since as long as I'm living here you have to do everything I say, I'll try to meet you halfway and make my orders as clear as possible, okay, champ?
Reese: Here, I heated it for ten seconds just like you said.
Craig: [puts finger in milk] It's still not quite room temperature. Look, I know I'm being demanding, but Jellybean's apartment was burned down, too.
Malcolm: [to camera] All right, it was almost worth it.

Reese: Hey! I found these in the laundry in my shirt pocket! You put them there, didn't you?!
Malcolm: Yeah, just like you put my muddy sneaker on the kitchen table!
Francis: Guys, what's going on?
Malcolm: He's trying to get me grounded so I can't go with you, but he's too stupid to pull it off!
Reese: We'll see who's stupid when this stupid is watching a wrestling match.
Francis: Whoa, guys, this is supposed to be a contest about love, and you've twisted it into something ugly. Carry on.
[Malcolm and Reese fight]
Francis: This, too, pleases me.

Dewey: Which one's Jellybean?
Hal: Well, that's another challenge. We'll make three piles: "Probably Not Jellybean," "Definitely Not Jellybean," and... "Not Even a Cat." We'll start with that possum.
Dewey: I think it's time to call Mom.
Hal: I was hoping you'd say that.

Malcolm: [to camera] When Francis is home, anything we do is fun. I mean, we're just watching some stupid TV show, but it doesn't matter. This totally rules.
Francis: This totally sucks! Isn't there anything fun to do around here?
Reese: I've got some chalk. We could draw some dead guy outlines on the sidewalk.
Francis: Boring.
Malcolm: Mom's not home. We could play cantaloupe ball.
Francis: We did that last time I was home. Come on, guys, think!
Malcolm: I'd be up for the chalk outline thing.

Craig: Kitty's at the end of an ear infection. He'll need drops three times a day. Now, Jellybean likes to have a half-cup of wet food in one bowl and a half-cup of dry in another. [Dewey nods] Now, he likes the juice from the wet half poured onto the dry. Now, no overfeeding. [cat meows] I mean that, mister. Okay, maybe tomorrow. I can't say no to you.
Lois: Craig, can we speed things up? We've got Jellybean's emergency numbers. We know where his sweaters are. You showed us how to take his temperature. Is there anything else Dewey needs to know?
Craig: I guess that's it, sport. Now, taking care of another living thing is a big responsibility. Are you sure you're up to the challenge?
Dewey: Mm-hmm.
Hal: Don't worry, Craig. I have a feeling Dewey's going to do a great job. [gestures to Craig]
Craig: Great, and when the long weekend is over, you'll have earned five whole dollars.
Dewey: You told Mom ten.
Craig: Right, ten. Aren't you a good little listener? [pats Dewey]
Dewey: Ow!

Lois: I'm not so sure about this, Hal. Are you sure that Dewey can handle this?
Hal: Aw, it's no big deal, honey. A job is a good thing for a boy. It teaches him the value of money. It gives him a little self-confidence. Besides, Craig's new place is only two blocks from our house.
Dewey: Hey, you can see our backyard from here.
Craig: Hey... [grabs binoculars] I almost forgot to show you my itinerary. Yeah, the convention lasts three days. I'll be back early Monday evening.
Hal: Wow, Craig, I had no idea you were so into comic books.
Craig: Well, it's not like I'm a freak about it. It just helps me keep my life in perspective. You know, somehow my problems seem insignificant when compared to Richie Rich's.

Reese: No. No way. We're not doing another butt-kissing contest. There's got to be another way.
Francis: Okay, fine. Who's got a quarter?
Malcolm: Here.
Francis: Great. You're in the lead. Maybe you should make me a sandwich. [Reese mopes towards the kitchen] Oh, come on, guys. It's Rage in the Cage! You should be happy!
Reese: We are happy.
Francis: Well, you're not doing the happy dance.
Malcolm & Reese: [dance and sing] Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the happy dance.
Francis: Happier.
Malcolm & Reese: [dance and sing] Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the happy dance.
Francis: Happier.
Malcolm & Reese: [dance and sing] Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the...