Lois: I don't understand why you don't want to go to this picnic, Malcolm. I think it sounds like fun.
Hal: Yeah, sitting on the grass, eating barbecue.
Malcolm: It's Krelboyne. It's not going to be on the grass because half the class is allergic. And don't expect any meat either, because they all voted not to serve anything that ever had a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Oh, man, two guys as your parents? That house has got to be a dude's paradise.

Malcolm: Um... [microphone feedback] could somebody, please, show me some credit cards? [two men flash their cards] Okay. The numbers on them are: 3699 7412 6833 9140. And 3424 1804 1835 3668.
Man: He's right!
Malcolm: Okay. If you add the individual digits on each card you get 74 and 66. If you multiply those numbers, you get 4,884.
Dorene: How do we even know he's right?
Eraserhead: [holds calculator] Oh, he's right.
Malcolm: is 4,844 squared is 23,853,456. The square root of 4,884 is 69 and 885/1 ,000. The square root of that is eight and 3,597 /10,000.
Stevie: Factor it!
Malcolm: The factors are 23 2 and 73.
Lloyd: Multiply it by pi.
Malcolm: 26 and 261/1,000.
Dabney: Cube it!
Malcolm: 584 and 21 4/1 ,000.
Eraserhead: What's the arc tangent!
Malcolm: 89 and 9/10 degrees.
Lloyd: Natural log!
Malcolm: 6 and 3,699/10,000.
Alphonse: What's the reciprocal?
Malcolm: 17/10,000.
Eraserhead: In base eight!
Malcolm: 11,431.
Dabney: What's the capital of Iceland!
Malcolm: Reykjavik... but that's not math. [applause]

Hal: You know, there are a lot of proven health benefits to the vegetarian lifestyle. In fact, I've been seriously considering it myself. [eats sausage]

Francis: Well, this just sounds like a blast to me. Why do I have to go, again?
Lois: Because it's a family picnic, Francis, and you're a member of this family.
Francis: Oh, right, see, I just keep forgetting that, being forced to live a thousand miles away at military school and all.

Lloyd: Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the Nixon electromagnet.
[When Lloyd turns the magnet on, his head slams into the magnet as it attracts the metal braces on his teeth.]
Lloyd: [muffled sobbing] Turn it off!

Malcolm: [to camera] My special class is having a family day and, if that's not bad enough, it's on the weekend that Francis is home. I'm going to look like a total idiot in front of him.
Francis: [talking in his sleep] Pretty bunnies. Pretty bunnies.
Malcolm: Luckily, I've got a brilliant plan to get out of this.
[cut to Malcolm gagging with his head over the toilet bowl:]
Lois: Oh, poor baby.
Malcolm: Yeah, I'm sick.
Lois: No, you're grounded for pouring perfectly good vegetable soup in the toilet. And you owe me 49 cents. flushes toilet]

[As Lois and Hal are woken up by the sound of the kids fight in another room, Lois nudges Hal to get up and deal with them. Hal pretends to snore.]
Malcolm: [o.s.] Leave the squirrel alone and get the fire extinguisher. Reese, no! [crashing]
Dewey: [o.s.] Blood tastes funny.
Hal: [gets up] You better be naked when I get back.
Lois: Done.

Reese: I'm going to kick so much Krelboyne ass today it's not even funny.
Krelboynes: [all chant] Go, Malcolm! Go, Malcolm! Go, Malcolm!
Reese: [to himself] Easy. You got all afternoon.

Dabney: [looks through microscope] Wait. Wait. Here it comes. Yes, there! I've arrested the cellular mitosis!
Caroline: Thank you, Dabney. [claps] That was riveting.

Hal: What have I told you about raw meat, son?
Dewey: [chewing] I'm not.