Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: For crying out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?
Malcolm: Mom.
Lois: Why are you not wearing your underpants?
Malcolm: I want to wear boxers.
Lois: Oh, really? Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you, my dear, you are getting way ahead of yourself.
Malcolm: [to camera] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.

Spangler: Cadets, apparently one of you felt the compelling need to take my '37 Stutz Bearcat for a joyride in a cornfield. You may be sure the responsible party will be disciplined. Now, I know in the past I have resorted to grueling midnight hikes through leech-infested swamps or the repetitive digging and filling of ditches, et cetera, et cetera. But things have changed. Due to a recent court decision involving corporal punishment, a loophole has allowed me to unretire "Old Hickory." Mmm. He hungers for the sting of insolent flesh. [whips two flies down]

Lois: Okay, where's Domingo? [Dewey is silent] Come on, I can smell him. Honey, do you think I just took Domingo away from you because I'm mean?
Dewey: Absolutely.
Lois: Dewey, the reason I had to take your teddy bear away is because he's very dirty. He's covered with germs and he could make you very sick.
Dewey: He wouldn't do that. He loves me.
Lois: It's the germs, sweetie. There are tiny bugs carrying disease, and Domingo is covered with them. Now, when you touch him, they get on your hands, and what do you suppose happens if you touch your eyes? Well, I'll tell you what happens. The germs get in there and they infect them, and you get very sick and eventually your optic nerve rots away and your eyes fall out. Now, if you want to keep Domingo, you can. But if you want to keep your eyes, you'll give Domingo to me. [Dewey hands over the bear] You made the smart choice, sweetie. [kisses Dewey's forehead] Sleep tight.

Hal: [on the phone] Yes, Commandant Spangler, this is Francis' father. I'm- I'm afraid I... lied to you. Francis is the cadet responsible for damaging your car.
Spangler: I see. Well, that puts me in somewhat of an awkward position. You see, the culprit is being disciplined as we speak.
Hal: But Francis did it. You- You're punishing the wrong cadet.
Spangler: I beg your pardon. In my 30 years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.
Hal: Sir, did you say "caned"?
Spangler: No.
Hal: Sir...
Spangler: Consider the matter closed.
Hal: But, sir, you... [Spangler hangs up]
Spangler: Take five, fellas.

Francis: [on the phone] Hi, Malcolm. What's going on?
Malcolm: I just wanted to talk to you about something that's bothering me.
Francis: What's it about?
Malcolm: There's this girl, and...
Francis: Keep Mom out of it!
Malcolm: What?!
Francis: I am warning you, keep Mom out of your love life.
Malcolm: Mom has nothing to do with this.
Francis: Trust me - yes, she does. She will ruin it, I swear. Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Lois: Don't worry, Malcolm's going to be punished. But this is nothing to get panicked about.
Cynthia's Dad: But...
Lois: Don't you remember when you were his age... all the dumb things you did with your little girlfriends?
Cynthia: Um, I'm not his...
Lois: It's puberty! Their bodies are going all crazy down there and they can't do anything about it. So they start all that silly making out and then they get all tingly and charged up and they don't know what to do with themselves so they throw bricks and things. My oldest son set a doghouse on fire. They are idiots at this age. That's just what they do.
Cynthia's Dad: Yes, well... that- that may be, but this kind of behavior is not acceptable.
Lois: No, it isn't... but you'd better get used to it because I'm gonna tell you right now, this one is an early bloomer. She's gonna pop out of every bra you buy for the next three years. [to Cynthia] You're going to be self-conscious, but don't let it make you slouch. You're gonna be happy about it when you get to college. [to her dad] Come on... I'll give you the number of a glass company. We give him a lot of business. He'll treat you right.

Cynthia: Malcolm, what are you doing?
Malcolm: Look, Cynthia, believe me, I'm trying to kiss you, and I think if you just give me a minute to clear my head, I'll be able to kiss you, okay?
Cynthia: Excuse me?!
Malcolm: Francis said she'd do this.
Cynthia: And who, exactly, is Francis?
Malcolm: It's not what you think. He's my brother.
Cynthia: You were going to kiss me, and you're thinking about your brother?
Malcolm: No, I was thinking about my mom. No, I mean, I was thinking about your bra. I mean... I was thinking about what's in your bra. Uh... I mean, what will be in your bra. Oh, can I start over?
[After Cynthia pokes Malcolm with her fingers, knocking him down, she kicks him and walks out]
Malcolm: [groans] I wonder if I can convince anyone this is a hickey.

Lloyd: Hey, check out the new kid.
Stevie: Fresh... meat.
Dabney: You no longer have to live in fear.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dabney: The hazing we put you through is over.
Malcolm: What hazing?
Lloyd: Oh, come on. When we gave you the warped lunch tray? When we dulled the points on your pencils? When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you"?
Dabney: I still feel bad about that.
Lloyd: Now she's taking your place as the whipping boy.

Francis: [on the phone] If anyone asks, you just have to say we were on a father-son fishing trip yesterday.
Hal: What did you do?
Francis: Really, Dad, do the specifics matter? I mean, you have to do this for me.
Hal: I am not going to lie for you.
Francis: Okay, I'm calling in my chit.
Hal: What chit?
Francis: You know, the one-time thing. I just call it in and you do it, no questions asked.
Hal: That doesn't exist, Francis.
Francis: Dad.
Hal: No, I'm sorry, son, I can't help you. You're gonna have to face the consequences of your actions like a grown-up.
Francis: All I have to say is, I am very disappointed in you.

Reese: Ooh, Malcolm, having lunch with your girlfriend?
Malcolm: She's not my girlfriend.
Reese: Oh, I don't know. I think I see a spark. [boops Cynthia's nose] Boop.
Cynthia: Please don't touch me.
Malcolm: [to camera] Yeah, that'll work.
Reese: Oh, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, then, maybe I'll do this.
[As Reese goes to poke Cynthia, she grabs Reese's arm and twists it around his back, slamming him down onto the table]
Reese: Ow!
Cynthia: Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
Reese: My body is composed entirely of snot.
Cynthia: Anything you want to add?
Malcolm: I'm good. What was that?
Cynthia: It's Krav Maga, the official self-defense system of the Israeli army. Maybe I'll show you sometime if you think you can handle it.