Lois: Thought you might be ready for some aspirin.
Francis: I'm working for a moron.
Lois: Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your coworkers are incompetent, and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.
Francis: How do people do it?
Lois: Well, let's see... If you want to eat, sleep indoors, you know, those kinds of luxuries, you really don't have much of a choice.
Francis: What about Dad? He had a choice.
Lois: Every 20 years, you're allowed a two-week breakdown.
Francis: Oh, I can't wait.

Hal: [sweating heavily] Well, no, that's not, not all I do. I, uh, there are some, you know, important and, uh, very, uh, interesting... Could you repeat the question?
Boy #1: Your job sounds awful.
Hal: [chuckles] Well, of course it's awful; it's a job. You know...
Malcolm: [to Dewey] He's tanking.
Dewey: He's way past tanking.
Hal: See, you, you kids have to realize that all jobs are awful and there's nothing that you can do about that. I mean, they're, they're tedious and boring.
Boy #2: Being a fireman isn't boring.
Hal: True, but you have to take into consideration the high mortality rate. It's real easy to get killed in a fire.
Boy #2: My daddy's a fireman.
Girl: Pete's daddy's going to die?
Hal: Oh, and I'm sure he's probably going to be fine.
Girl: So the only reason you like your job is because you won't get killed in a fire?
Hal: Yes. Well, actually, you see... you see, I-I work on a very high floor, so that's not necessarily true. Any other questions?
Boy #1: If your job is so boring and you don't like it why do you do it?

Lois: You're doing this because of what a seven-year-old said?
Malcolm: It was horrible. He made Dad cry.
Hal: This kid was ruthless... but fair.
Dewey: His dad did a puppet show.
Hal: I'll tell you boys, life is crazy. One day you're in community college driving a Camaro T-top, cock of the walk, and then you need some cash, so you get a job. You think it's only temporary, but then you get a promotion and then a raise, and all these doors open up for you, except they're not really doors. They're trapdoors. And then all of a sudden... bam! 20 years has zipped by, and you're thinking, "Is this all I have to my life?" Not you kids. I love you kids, but, come on... The house, it's crap.

Malcolm: My dad's fine. He's just taking some time off from work because he hates his job. You know, it's actually kind of got me thinking. What am I going to do when I grow up?
Eraserhead: You mean you don't have a plan in place?
Malcolm: No.
Lloyd: That's okay, Malcolm. I mean, it's not too... [sobs] Excuse me, allergies.
Malcolm: You guys already have your careers planned?
Dabney: You don't just luck into running a particle accelerator, you know.
Stevie: With my intelligence... and tokenism... the sky's... the limit.

Lois: You quit your job?
Hal: Lois, please, give me a little more credit than that. No, I asked for a leave of absence because of a kidney malfunction.
Reese: Nice. Drastic but vague enough to discourage any follow-up questions. Way to go.

Malcolm: [to camera] It's weird. All my life, Dad's been getting up every morning and dragging himself to a job that he despised with every fiber of his being. I can't believe I never noticed. I guess I've been pretty self-centered. Oh, my God! What if that happens to me?

Lois: Oh, hi, honey.
Francis: Do you people have any idea what this kind of mindless labor does to a person? It kills your soul. It turns your mind into jelly and it crushes your spirit to dust.
Lois: Oh, Craig called. He wants you there tomorrow at 7:00 instead of 8:00.
Hal: Oh, and can you keep it down when you get up in the morning? I'm sleeping in.

Reese: Hey, Dad, can we ask you for some advice? The girl who's been bugging Dewey still won't leave him alone.
Dewey: Now she's calling me Dewey Dwarf.
Reese: I told him, you've got to fight fire with fire and he should come up with some really raunchy nickname for her and spread it around school and church and stuff. You know, really get it out there.
Hal: [distracted] Uh, yeah, good for you, boys.
Reese: So the name thing? You're on board with that? [Hal ignores them] All right, let's get to work. What's that girl's name again?
Dewey: Regina Tucker.
Reese: Don't worry. We'll think of something.

Reese: Watch this, Francis. I can make milk come out of either nostril.
Malcolm: [to camera] He's gotten pretty good at this. It's sad, but I'm actually kind of jealous.
Lois: Reese, anything coming out of your nose is going right back in your mouth.

Lois: Francis, you'd better get moving. You don't want to be late for your first day of inventory.
Francis: Oh, yeah, Mom. Thanks again for getting me that job. Some of the guys are spending their spring break river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they heard I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky Aide.
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's the perfect fit: we needed people and you have no choice.