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Stock Car Races

‘Stock Car Races’

Season 1, Episode 10 -  Aired April 2, 2000

Hal takes the day off work and keeps the boys off school so they can attend a stock car race. Meanwhile, Lois scours the house looking for the boys' secrets, and Francis can't resist getting in trouble with Spangler.

Quote from Dewey

[As Malcolm and Reese watch cartoons on the couch, Dewey stands in front of Reese and smiles]
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: [punches self] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: Help! Ow! Help! Mom!
Reese: Cut it out. Cut it out.
Dewey: Ow! Help! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: Knock it off, you little- [grabs Dewey]
Lois: Reese, what the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes without picking on him!
Reese: I didn't do anything, Mom.
[As Lois drags Reese off, Dewey takes his seat on the couch]
Malcolm: [to camera] I gave him that.


Quote from Spangler

Spangler: I smell smoke. Who is responsible? [silence] Very well. We'll do it the hard way. Patton.
[Spangler's dog, Patton, growls as he walks him by each cadet. When Spangler stands in front of Francis, Patton barks]
Spangler: Francis, please lift up your right foot.
[Francis lifts his foot to reveal a stamped-out cigarette]
Spangler: [sighs] Son, you have the worst attitude I've ever seen in 15 years at this institution. You seem compelled to break every rule, to flout every convention. You are never going to make it - in the armed forces or anywhere else. Now, I was never fortunate enough to serve in combat but I do know what it requires. Look at this dog. [Patton chews on Spangler's pant leg] He is vicious, he is ungrateful and yet even he understands the importance of obedience. Do you hear what I am saying, Francis?
Francis: Yes, sir. I'll try to be more like a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
Spangler: There will be no hot water for this floor for the entire month. You can thank the cadet after I leave.
[Spangler limps away with Patton still gnawing at his leg]

Quote from Spangler

Spangler: Men, a terrible tragedy has befallen us. At approximately 1700 hours, our beloved Patton was set upon by a serpent and devoured. I, myself, fired a few rounds as it slithered away but, hampered by a lack of depth perception, my efforts were useless. [sniffles] Now, after an incident such as this certain questions arise. Leaving aside for the moment why God feels the need to take away everything that I love, that leaves us with the matter of who is responsible. [holds out gloved hand] Can you explain that, Francis?
Francis: Yes, sir. I believe you lost that finger trying to start the school lawn mower.
Spangler: What is in the hand?
Francis: They appear to be Raisinettes, sir.
Spangler: They are snake droppings, found in your footlocker. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Francis: Sir, I'm obviously the victim of an elaborate conspiracy to frame me. It's just too perfect, sir.
Spangler: Two months! No hot water, no television and an 8:00 p.m. curfew for the entire academy! Feel free to thank the cadet after I leave.

Quote from Francis

Francis: Mom was right. I do get some sick thrill out of trouble.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Honey, which juice don't I like: apple or grape?
Lois: You don't like either.
Hal: Oh, right.

Quote from Lois

Malcolm: Reese is right. This class is turning me into a total weirdo.
Lois: You are not a weirdo. You are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.

Quote from Hal

Lois: You kids, let's get going. Malcolm, you don't want them to do-si-do without you.
Malcolm: [to camera] That's it. For the sake of my manhood, today I'm ditching school.
Hal: Hey, why don't I drive you boys to school today?
Malcolm: Uh, that's okay, Dad. I don't mind walking.
Hal: Oh, no, no, no. I really want to. A chance to spend a few extra minutes with my sons, enjoying their company... Honestly, son, it'll be the highlight of my day. Come on.
Malcolm: [to camera] Great. Now I can't even be mad at him.

Quote from Hal

Dewey: Reese wiped his booger on my lunch bag.
Hal: Dewey, what have we taught you about snitching?
Dewey: "Only snitch when asked to snitch."
Hal: Good boy.

Quote from Hal

Hal: So, looking forward to school?
Malcolm: I guess.
Hal: That's a shame. 'Cause we're not going to school. [chuckles]
Malcolm: Where are we going?
Hal: Boys, I'm going to share something with you I hope you'll remember for the rest of your lives. Now, I don't want to spoil the surprise but I've been planning this for years. I just had to wait until you were all old enough to appreciate it.
Reese: Hookers?
Malcolm: If it gets me out of square dancing, fine.
Hal: Just sit back and enjoy the ride, boys. We're rebels. We're wild men! [cackling] Whoo!

Quote from Hal

Reese: Stock car races!
Malcolm: Oh, cool!
Hal: That's right, boys. The real field of dreams - only with concrete instead of all that grass.

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