Lois: That was ten years ago! Why do you even care?
Francis: It was between me and some guys.
Lois: What guys?
Francis: They come around the pool, every day at 3:00, talking smack like all I do is hang around at the pool all day and I never did anything with my life. So I told 'em about the fish. And they said they didn't believe me! Man, I can't wait to see the look on Jason Sullivan's face!
Lois: 3:00? How old are these people?
Francis: Good point. A 12-year-old should not be lecturing people about how they have or have not lived their lives!
Lois: You're trying to impress a 12-year-old?
Francis: Not trying to, going to.
Lois: I don't want this dead fish in my house. You can have it. But once I help you, you know what you have to do.
Francis: Learn not to care what other people think?
Lois: Get a job!
Francis: Yeah, that'll show 'em.

Francis: I'm sorry.
Dewey: That's okay. Sometimes it's better to see water slides from a distance.
Francis: You make plans for a perfectly good time, and they go and fix the hole in the fence. I just wish I had the kind of money to buy us tickets.
Dewey: I would have lent you the six bucks.
Francis: Hey, I don't roll that way. It's bad enough I'm letting my little brother buy me dinner tonight.

Francis: Well, if you were worried about today's activities, you can just relax. My neighbors are on vacation, so good-bye, Seelys, hello, cable television.
Dewey: I have a better idea. There's a job center I thought we could go to.
Francis: Oh, I get it. My little bro is worried about me.
Dewey: Maybe a little. Plus, cable is so overrated.
Francis: Look, Dewey, I know it may seem like I don't have a lot going on, but I've got plenty of irons in the fire. Like my screenplay.
Dewey: It's only five pages.
Francis: They're probably going to bring in some high-priced rewriter. Why should I do his work for him?
Dewey: Do you have any other irons?
Francis: Look, I know it's tough to break into Hollywood. I'd be pretty stupid to rest everything on that. That's why I'm training a possum.
Dewey: To do what?
Francis: Dial a phone, hop on one foot, walk like John Wayne... Stuff that people who visit roadside circuses like to see. So, does that put your mind at ease?

Francis: You know, maybe Mom was right. I was blaming her and the alcohol for my problems when the real problem was always right in front of me...
Piama: Me?!
Francis: Yes, you. Who else could it be? Why didn't you tell me I wasn't an alcoholic?!
Piama: How am I supposed to know?! You seemed messed up to me.
Francis: You made me look like an idiot!
Piama: Well, that wasn't hard to do.
Francis: Was that an insult?!

Francis: Yeah, Mom, let's all jump through hoops so the big corporate fat cat doesn't have to see anything real.
Lois: You know, Francis, it wouldn't hurt you to jump through a hoop or two. Are you even still looking for a job?
Piama: As a matter of fact-
Francis: As a matter of fact, I don't have to. I got a lot of irons in the fire right now. I got three different ideas for children's books, and I'm considering applying for a bounty hunter's license.
Lois: Are you insane?! In what world is that even remotely- Piama, will you help me get the good china on the closet? I love finally having an excuse to use these.
[As Lois removes a box from the closet, Francis and Dewey watch as the X-ray falls to the floor.]
Lois: I took them out once when that congressman was going door to door but, he just clogged up our toilet and left.
[Francis pulls out a piece of chewing gum and sticks it to his shoe. He goes over and steps on the X-ray, lifts his foot and grabs the X-ray behind his back.]
Francis: By the way, Mom, I think it's high time we cleared the air about that day you threw away my Harlem Globetrotter autographs.
Lois: Harlem who? What are you talking about?
Francis: I'm not saying there was definitely some unconscious racism going on, but I do think someone could benefit from a little self-examination in a quiet moment.
[Francis walks away backwards with the X-ray hidden behind his back.]
Francis: Dewey, can I see you in your room for a second? [both run into the boys' room] Okay, it's pretty obvious I just saved your ass. Now I want to know why.

Francis: Are you kidding me? That whole cancer scare was fake?! I played cards with her in the hospital for no reason? Why didn't you just get rid of this?
Dewey: I don't know. I couldn't. The thought of destroying it just made me sad.
Francis: I get it, Dewey. You love your brothers. You didn't have much to keep you together, but you had this. And now I have this. Something really horrible to blackmail you guys with that I'm totally clean on.
Dewey: Mom's friend Jenny.
Francis: We're good. [hands Dewey the X-ray]

[three months later:]
Francis: [on the phone] Mom, you can yell and scream all you want. It's not going to change me! I will look for a job when I am damn good and ready! You just can't stand that your son is still a free spirit! [hangs up]
Piama: Chicken casserole for dinner?
Francis: Mmm. Home at 5:00.