Reese: Couldn't you have gotten in trouble after Halloween?
Francis: Guys, I'm sorry. I know I let you down, but... I really didn't have a choice. I mean, the commandant's fake leg was just lying there in the closet begging for a novelty bumper sticker. It was a snap decision, but I really think I did the right thing.

Francis: Boys, the time has come. You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever. Behold.
Dewey: That's not a flying chocolate maker.
Reese: This is just a bunch of tubes.
Francis: Trust me.
Reese: I do trust you, but... I expected something a little more...
Malcolm: [looking at blueprint] Oh, my God. Will this work?
Francis: Absolutely.
Reese: What? What is it?
Malcolm: It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot.
Francis: A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two city blocks. Picture yourself you're walking down the street, you're minding your own business when all of a sudden... bam! You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint or any number of foul-smelling liquids. And you never, ever know who did it.
Reese: It's the perfect weapon.
Malcolm: Reese, are you crying?
Reese: [emotional] No.

Reese: 9 days past expiration. [drinks orange juice] Ugh. Here.
Malcolm: [drinks] Ugh! It turned carbonated.
Reese: Hmm.
Malcolm: [removes cottage cheese] Expired 2 months ago.
Reese: You don't have the guts. [hands Malcolm a spoon]
Malcolm: [gags]
Reese: [retches] [removes egg nog]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we have Egg Nog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
Malcolm: It's all you, man. [Reese gags as he drinks the eggnog] [to camera] This is a game that has no winners.

Francis: Mom, I've been waiting at the bus station for three hours. Why didn't anybody come to pick me up?
Lois: What? I sent your father. Oh, Francis, I'm sorry. He's battling his archenemy.
Francis: What? The squirrel's back?
Lois: No, it's a human this time.

Francis: What do you mean, Krelboynes?
[Malcolm and Reese are hit by a water balloon]
Malcolm: I guess they've built their own catapult.
Reese: That's impossible. How could they do that? Where would they get the materials?
Malcolm: It's a funnel and surgical tubing. Stevie's garage is filled with that stuff.
Dewey: What are we going to do?
Reese: We're going to fight. They're Krelboynes. They're nothing. We can fight. We can fight!
[later, Malcolm, Francis and Dewey look dejected as they sit on the roof covered in a variety of substances:]
Reese: We can fight. We can fight. We can fight.
Francis: We have to surrender.
Malcolm: Francis is right. We have to give up, Reese.
Reese: Come on, you wussies. Just shoot me over there. I'll kick your asses myself! [gets hit in the face by a squid] Get it off! Oh my God! Get it off!

Hal: Damn, that blue car. That's three times this week. That joyriding son of a...
Lois: Hal, just call the police.
Hal: I have. They won't do anything. Lois, I swear, one of these days I'm going to catch up to that punk, I'm going to drag him out of his car, and I'm going to beat him senseless until he understands that there's a certain thing called the law.
Lois: Don't let him get to you. Come on.
Hal: Well, when's it going to stop? When Dewey here is smashed into a lifeless pulp? Put some clothes on, son.

Malcolm: There's always next year.
Francis: Why do we have to wait a year? Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calendar.
Reese: Yeah, it is. It's the 31st.
Francis: No, Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that's Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween.
Reese: [points to calendar] No, look. It is the 31st.
Francis: [sighs] Men, we are going to have Halloween this weekend.

Lois: Hal, you have been out here for seven hours. Come to bed.
Hal: Look, Lois, I am doing this for the boys. We can't just let our street become a speedway. [Lois sighs] I've got to protect my family even if it means sitting in this van every night for a month. It's a matter of principle. Hmm. Before you go to sleep, I'd like you to replace my pee jar.

Lois: What are you doing?
Hal: I've had it, Lois. I'm building a speed bump.
Lois: Hal, would you look at yourself? It's 4:00 in the morning. You're out here in your pajamas mixing cement in a wheelbarrow.
Hal: It's going to rip the suspension right out from under him. There'll be some chassis damage. Oh, boy, I'd hate to be the one who has to realign his connecting rods. That guy's not going to know what hit him.

Lois: I'm serious, Hal. What are we going to do? The time to drop off the car and go home was, like, 20 miles ago.
Hal: What if we just kept going?
Lois: What are you talking about?
Hal: I'm talking about you and me running away and spending the rest of our lives on some... I don't know, some hidden beach in Mexico, with no jobs and... no kids.
Lois: Oh, it's not that simple, Hal.
Hal: Why not? I mean, we would have to change our names, but... I'd be Raul. You'd be Consuela.
Lois: Consuela?
Hal: Si.
Lois: You think they'd send the federales after us?
Hal: Of course. But they'd never find us.
Lois: We'd be outlaws.
Hal: Oh, we'd be legends. We'd be living every parent's dream. We'd be folk heroes.
Lois: Like Bonnie and Clyde.
Hal: Raul and Consuela. Spearing fish. Climbing for coconuts. Living naked as monkeys.
Lois: Oh... Raul.