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‘Boys at Ranch’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Malcolm in the Middle: Boys at Ranch

408. Boys at Ranch

Aired January 12, 2003

When Hal takes Malcolm, Reese and Dewey to visit Francis at Otto's ranch, the boys see a new side of their older brother when they can't resist getting into trouble. Meanwhile, Hal has mixed feelings about Francis's newfound sense of responsibility.

Quote from Francis

Malcolm: So, where's Francis?
Dewey: Is he really the foreman?
Reese: We haven't seen him in months.
Hal: You'll have to forgive the boys. They've always looked up to Francis like he's some kind of hero.
[As the boys step outside, Francis comes riding over the hill on a horse]
Francis: [horse whinnies in distance] [whinnies] How's it going, guys?
Hal: My God, Francis! How the heck did you learn to ride a horse like that?
Francis: Well, you got to pick it up quick around here. We break horses, brand cattle, it's about as close to the Old West as you'll ever find.
Woman on Golf Cart: [horn toots] Where do I find the jazzercise class?
Francis: Other side of the smoothie bar.


Quote from Otto

Francis: I specifically told you guys stay away from those ATVs! What the hell were you thinking?!
Hal: They don't think, Francis. They never have! The only thing their heads are good for is to plug up their necks.
Otto: [points at Dewey] I blame the oldest one. The others follow him like sheep!

Quote from Piama

Piama: Hey, guys. I'm so sorry. I came as fast as I could.
Hal: Hey.
Piama: I-I'm not going to get too close. I'm fighting a terrible cold. I'll probably be in bed all weekend.
Malcolm: Mom didn't come.
Piama: [throws box of tissues away] Well, we'll just have to enjoy ourselves without her. Come on.

Quote from Gretchen

Dewey: [sobs] And I know I shouldn't have taken it but it looked so cool. And then in the tree I forgot it was in my pocket, and I fell and it broke.
Gretchen: Oh, I know, I know, sweetheart. And you know what? I should never have yelled at you. I feel terrible about that.
Dewey: You do?
Gretchen: Oh, of course I do. So, we both feel bad about what we did, huh? You know what your Tante Gretchen does when she feels bad? She works. She works herself to the point where her body screams in pain and her soul begs for mercy.
Dewey: Why?
Gretchen: It's the best form of penance. Oh, when my fingers are raw, and my back is racked with crippling pain, I feel all better.
Dewey: Well, that might work for you-
Gretchen: Let's do it.

Quote from Otto

Otto: This will be wunderbar. The two old men go for a ride. See the beauty of the desert, commune with nature...
Hal: I just hate to take up too much of your time.
Otto: Oh, I already told the horses that we're going. Don't make me look bad. [horse whinnies]
Hal: Whoo! Wh- What's the matter with this horse?
Otto: Nothing. Buttercup is very sweet. [horse whinnies] Are you sure you're not still angry with the boys? Buttercup is very good at picking up unresolved feelings.
Francis: No. I told you, I'm over it. I'm fine.
Otto: Buttercup is never wrong. Once, Gretchen made me an omelet with mushrooms. Oh, I hate mushrooms. But I didn't say anything. I had two helpings. Well, Buttercup forced me to go back and confront her. We had the best sex we had had in years. Thank you, Buttercup.
Hal: Maybe I should ride your horse.
Otto: Good idea. Scout doesn't pick up on anything... unless you're secretly gay.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Okay, gentlemen ready to roll?
Malcolm: Yeah, let's do it.
Reese: Let's roll already!
Dewey: Yeah, come on, Dad.
Hal: [starts engine] Seat belt... check. Map... check. Sunglasses... check. Lumbar pillow... check. Mirrors... check. Does that sound like a loose valve casing to you?
Boys: Dad!
Hal: All right. You boys will soon learn there's nothing wrong with being careful.
[As Hal backs out of the drive, the car hits one of the boys' bikes]

Quote from Gretchen

Otto: Your son is a genius. He has completely turned this place around.
Gretchen: Well, not physically, of course. We still face the arroyo as before, but we could never have survived without his hard work.

Quote from Reese

Hal: Oh, that chicken was fantastic. And where'd you learn to cook chili like that?
Francis: I spend time in the kitchen, too. The secret to good chili is how long you soak the beans.
Hal: So, to recap our little contest Dewey wins for most tuneful. Francis for the loudest. I was the sneakiest. Malcolm, the most obnoxious.
Francis: Ech.
Malcolm: At least I wasn't disqualified.
Reese: I gambled and lost. It happens.

Quote from Francis

Francis: I thought I could trust you guys on your own for a few minutes. Well, obviously I was wrong. You are still the same stupid, reckless idiots you've always been.
Piama: Francis, you don't have to yell at them like that.
Francis: I'll yell at whoever I want! And even though I wish I hadn't said that, it's too late now! From now on, you boys stay away from the horses, the vehicles, the pool and the other guests. That means you are confined to your room until further notice.
Malcolm: You're sending us to our room?!
Francis: That's right.
Malcolm: I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom.
Francis: Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right.
Reese: You take that back!

Quote from Piama

Francis: Well, I just listened at the boys' door and not a peep. I hated coming down on them like that but that's the only way they'll listen.
Piama: Absolutely.
Francis: I mean, I think I was hard but fair.
Piama: [laughs] You couldn't have been more fair.
Francis: Okay, and now you're smiling which means in about two seconds I'm going to look like a jackass.
Piama: You can keep going if you want.
Francis: Just tell me.
Piama: The boys haven't been in the room for three hours.
Francis: What?
Piama: They want you to meet them at the south gate. This should explain everything. I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic.
Francis: Is that last word "lick" or "wipe"?
Piama: I think you're safe either way.

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