Francis: I got halfway home when I suddenly remembered the time when I was three years old and you were sick - or so you said - and couldn't drive me to Donnie Dinesco's birthday party. So I rode this tricycle two miles in the pouring rain just to get there. Lazy? I think not. Now, I am not leaving until you apologize.
Lois: All you want is an apology? That's it? Well, you should've said so a week ago.
Francis: But...
Lois: I'm hereby officially sorry. Okay?
Francis: No! Not okay! That is not an apology. That's just one of those cleverly designed apologies that sounds like an apology but isn't one. Now you have to apologize for apologizing. And then apologize!
Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you just can't stand to be happy!
Francis: What?!
Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you. You have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
Francis: That's not true. I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness.

Hal: Boys, I found the beer you hid in the garage. After all our talks about drinking, you still think it's cool?! Well, it's not! Now, sit down and watch! Look at me! [opens can] I'm Mr. Cool. [drinks beer] Mmm! Everybody digs my scene.
[later:]
Hal: I'm the grooviest dude who was ever grooved on.
[later:]
Hal: [weepy] I just love you boys so much. Who wants a hug?
[later:]
Hal: [sings] Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Reese: Took him long enough to find that beer.
Malcolm: Yeah, but it was so worth the wait.

[Reese is eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream and Dewey is eating a bowl of vanilla ice cream]
Reese: It's pathetic to watch Francis when he's around Mom. It's almost like he's her puppet or something.
Dewey: Yeah, it's really awful how she manipulates him. Boy, I sure love this vanilla!
[Reese takes Dewey's largely empty bowl of vanilla ice cream and swaps it for his full bowl of chocolate ice cream]
Reese: Why would anyone do something like that?
Dewey: Well, there is a certain pleasure in secretly controlling someone a lot dumber than you.

Hal: So, I'm going in three days ahead of him for the interview. I mean, Nick won't have any trouble finding another job. They guy's an ex-Navy Seal. Of course, ethically, you could argue it's stealing. But look at hip-hop! They sample music all the time. Is that stealing, or is that art?
Lois: Hal, you have a family. Go in for the interview.

Malcolm: [to camera] As soon as I figure out how she got me here, I'm out of here. [sighs] Never mind. I'm just going to ignore her and do my homework.
Lois: What are you working on, sweetheart?
Malcolm: Just finishing a paper on Wuthering Heights.
Lois: Wuthering Heights, huh? I did my senior thesis on that.
Malcolm: You did not.
Lois: I hope you're not sticking to that tired view that Catherine and Heathcliff are soul mates. You picked up on the subtle hostility towards romanticism, right? I mean, Catherine's just as bound to Edgar as she is to Heathcliff. She takes a lock of his hair to the grave, too.
Malcolm: Well, duh! [Malcolm erases his work]

Lois: Hal, will you please talk to the boys?
Hal: Not now, Lois, I have way too much on my mind.
Lois: Like what?
Hal: I think I'm an international spy, and I don't even know which side I'm on. I could be a super-villain and not even know it.
Lois: You can just say you don't want to help me, Hal.

Francis: Reese, damn it, you crazy idiot! Do you know what you are? You're me! Mom was right. We do love trouble. That's why we do stupid, moronic things like this.
Reese: What are you talking about? I'm gonna be famous.
Francis: This isn't about fame. It's about putting yourself in danger for no reason. It's an addiction to pain and suffering. And you know what? I'm done with it. And you should be, too, 'cause it isn't worth it.
Reese: That's easy for you to say. You've already had the glory.
Francis: Glory? You think this stupid, dangerous stunt gave me glory? I'll show you what it gave me. [lowers pants and bends over] Horrible, isn't it? Only the middle one's functional. [all groan] I can go now. I've been set free. Good-bye and good luck.
Boy: 11, 12... He got 12! Reese broke the record! [crowd cheers]
Francis: It doesn't matter! Didn't you people hear a word I said? Are you sure he got... What's the difference? That's not the point! What I'm trying to say is... Give me the bacon. I don't want an asterisk by my record.

Francis: [enters] Do these look like the hands of a lazy man? Do they?! You see how hard the calluses are?
Lois: What are you doing here?
Francis: This morning, on the phone, you said that I was lazy. Well, look at my hands, and admit that you were wrong.
Lois: Are you biting your nails again?
Francis: Apologize!
Lois: I am not going to apologize for something that I said that's true.
Francis: This is exactly why I drove eight straight hours to get here. To prove how far you'll go just to avoid a simple apology. I can't believe how screwed-up your priorities are. [answers cell phone] Hello? Oh, hi, baby. Happy anniversary. No, I haven't left yet. I'm on my way out right now. Okay. [kisses and hangs up]

Reese: Guess what? I got another raise. Mr. DeSilvio said that when I clean the gunk out of the rendering machine, I vomit less than anyone who's ever worked there.

Malcolm: [to camera] Seeing Francis act like this is really sad. I mean, for him. For us, it's kinda funny.
Lois: Okay, Malcolm, let's go! We got to get to work. And don't forget to change your shoes.
Malcolm: Okay. Can I eat my cupcake in the car? [to camera] I was going to eat it in the car, whether she said I could or not.