Francis: [kneels down to talk to Dewey] Well, squirt, looks like I'm going to be going back to military school and I'm not going to see you for a really, really long time. But I need you to be brave. Can you do that for me, squirt?
Dewey: [sobs] Stop, Francis!
Francis: I wish I could, kiddo, but I can't. [digs his fingernails into Dewey's back]
Dewey: Why are you doing this?
Francis: I'm not doing this, Dewey. It's just the way life is sometimes. [Dewey cries] Please stop crying.
Dewey: It hurts!
Francis: I know it does. It hurts me too.
Caroline: Wait! I'll, I'll do it. I guess Jamaica isn't going anywhere.

Stanley: Francis, I don't know why you assume we'll be able to just walk into Spangler's office and find the sex slides.
[As Francis and Stanley walk into Spangler's office with flashlights, they see slides labeled "Sex Slides" right on Spangler's desk]
Francis: Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins were this easy.
Stanley: Okay, I got 'em. Let's get out of here.
Francis: Wait a second. [turns lamp on and inspects slide] Oh, my God, this is a gold mine. Spangler drinking. Spangler kissing.
Stanley: Spangler in a Speedo?
Francis: Spangler out of a Speedo.
Stanley: All right, that's enough. Let's leave, huh?
Francis: Wait a second. I have an idea. I'm going to make Spangler's sexual awareness lecture just a little more interesting.
Stanley: Now, Francis, you do realize what he'll do to you if you humiliate him like this, right?
Francis: And yet, I'm doing it anyway. Weird, huh?

Francis: Sorry. It just feels so amateurish. I mean, I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[flashback to Lois screaming at a basketball coach in front of a young Francis:]
Lois: Traveling?! He wasn't traveling! Why don't you put your glasses on, buddy? You're missing a great game! Oh, oh-oh, you're going to give me a technical?! You're going to give me a technical?! You can't give me a technical!
[flashback to a long-haired Francis, his girlfriend and Lois on the couch with a photo album:]
Lois: Look at that little pee-pee. Oh, Francis, I forgot how tiny you are. Oh, oh, oh. That's the moment of his birth. You see? See him coming out feet first? Doctors said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.
[flashback to Lois yelling at Francis in the guys' locker room:]
Francis: An eight-inch scratch on the car, Francis! Do you know how much that'll cost to fix?! If you think you are ever, ever borrowing my car again you are sadly mistaken! And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy! I'm telling your mother!
[present:]
Francis: And that's just the stuff I didn't block out.

Francis: [on the phone] What are you doing home?
Malcolm: Mom's sick. She thinks it's Sunday. We kind of went with it.
Francis: Cool. Oh, dude, I need you to do me a giant favor. Go check the mail. Okay, there should be a letter there from Southern Alabama State.
Malcolm: Yeah, it's here. Why, did you apply there?
Francis: No, there's probably no point in me ever trying to apply there. I kind of drove a backhoe into their swimming pool.
Malcolm: Oh, man. Did they have to drain the pool?
Francis: No, if you put a ten-foot crack in them, they pretty much drain themselves. They did have to drain the gym, though.

Lois: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Mom, great news. I figured out a way to get home Wednesday.
Lois: Francis...
Francis: No, it won't cost you a cent. One of the cadet's fathers is a trucker. He said I can ride in the refrigerator compartment to the 609 interchange. And a buddy of his flies a crop duster. Now, if he's sober, he should be able to drop me off at the soybean field near the train station...

Francis: [on the phone] Hi, Malcolm. What's going on?
Malcolm: I just wanted to talk to you about something that's bothering me.
Francis: What's it about?
Malcolm: There's this girl, and...
Francis: Keep Mom out of it!
Malcolm: What?!
Francis: I am warning you, keep Mom out of your love life.
Malcolm: Mom has nothing to do with this.
Francis: Trust me - yes, she does. She will ruin it, I swear. Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Malcolm: [on the phone] Hey, Francis. You know Mom's traffic ticket? Well, I have a videotape, and it shows that Mom really was at fault, and...
Francis: She was wrong?
Malcolm: Yeah, and now I'm trying to figure...
Francis: What are you talking to me for? You have incontrovertible proof that Mom was wrong. Shove it in her face.
Malcolm: Francis, I don't think that's a good idea.
Francis: Are you kidding? It's brilliant. From now on, whenever she gets all high-and-mighty with us, we can just throw this back at her.
Malcolm: Francis, I can't. If I show Mom this tape, she'll go crazy and then she'll kill the messenger, which is me. You're asking me to commit suicide.
Francis: And think of the look on her face!

Francis: Okay, that is ridiculous. I mean, we should do something.
Eric: He's right. Spangler doesn't get to make arbitrary decisions about our lives. He can't tell us where to go and what to do. Oh, wait... he can. Face it, Francis, we're like prisoners but without the rights.
Francis: Okay, so we're helpless. But even helpless people have options. History is full of supposedly powerless people who found a way to stand up to their oppressors.
Finley: What are you talking about?
Francis: Civil disobedience. You know, like a hunger strike. We could do that. I mean, he doesn't want a bunch of starving kids on his hands. That would totally work.
Drew: I don't know. Isn't that a bit drastic? Can't we wait till after lunch?
Francis: What are we having?
Drew: Shepherd's pie.
Francis: The strike starts now!

Francis: Finally, Mom found the courage to speak her mind.
Lois: Why aren't you fixing that roof?
Francis: It's 40 degrees out there. I'll freeze. And it's going to rain.
Lois: That's why you have to fix the roof.
Francis: Well, maybe if you didn't buy such crappy shingles, it wouldn't leak all the time.
Lois: Francis, as long as you are in this house, you will do as I say.
Francis: You know what, Mom? No. I'm too old to be bullied by you. Our whole lives, you have done nothing but dictate what you wanted. You're the boss of the world, and we're all sick of it. This may be your roof, but we live here, too. We are human beings with rights...
[cut to Francis outside delivering his speech:]
Francis: ...and I'm hereby putting an end to your reign of terror. [to a homeless man on a park bench] You should have seen the look on her face. It was totally worth it.

Francis: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, I need a favor.
Lois: Sure. Let's hear it.
Francis: Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car and if I put in 100 bucks, I get the car every seventh weekend.
[Dewey opens his bedroom door and tentatively places one foot down. Lois doesn't even turn around.]
Lois: Get back in there!
Francis: I could take road trips and go on dates. I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.
Lois: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I really don't think we can afford this right now.
Francis: Of course. I knew you'd say that. Why do I even try? Now you can go to bed happy, knowing that you kept my life a living hell!