Francis: Sorry. It just feels so amateurish. I mean, I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[flashback to Lois screaming at a basketball coach in front of a young Francis:]
Lois: Traveling?! He wasn't traveling! Why don't you put your glasses on, buddy? You're missing a great game! Oh, oh-oh, you're going to give me a technical?! You're going to give me a technical?! You can't give me a technical!
[flashback to a long-haired Francis, his girlfriend and Lois on the couch with a photo album:]
Lois: Look at that little pee-pee. Oh, Francis, I forgot how tiny you are. Oh, oh, oh. That's the moment of his birth. You see? See him coming out feet first? Doctors said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.
[flashback to Lois yelling at Francis in the guys' locker room:]
Francis: An eight-inch scratch on the car, Francis! Do you know how much that'll cost to fix?! If you think you are ever, ever borrowing my car again you are sadly mistaken! And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy! I'm telling your mother!
[present:]
Francis: And that's just the stuff I didn't block out.

[After Stevie lands in a pile of cardboard boxes after his runaway wheelchair rolls up a ramp:]
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Stevie, are you okay?!
Stevie: Can't feel my legs.
Malcolm: That's not funny.

Lois: [answers phone] Hello. [heavy breathing on line] Hello? [heavy breathing continues] Listen, pervert, this is the third time you've called and I have just about had it with-
Stevie: Is Malcolm... there?
Lois: Oh, hi, Stevie. Sorry.

Abe: Did you have fun tonight, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yeah. [Kitty tucks Malcolm into bed tightly] I guess, but isn't it kind of early to be going to bed? It's not even 8:00.
Kitty: Oh, don't worry. That jigsaw puzzle will still be there in the morning. Now, I know you boys want to do a little chatting before sleepy time. [sets timer] Let's say four minutes. [exits]
Abe: Mrs. Kenarbin can be a tad strict. She doesn't know that sometimes boys have to be boys. Am I right?
[Abe sets the timer to 4 minutes 30 seconds]

Malcolm: Hey, Mom, I'm going to Stevie's.
Lois: You be nice to that boy. He can't walk. If he's got to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you get up and help him.

Malcolm: [on the phone] Hey, Stevie.
Stevie: You're coming... tonight?
Malcolm: Yeah.
Stevie: And sleeping... over?
Malcolm: It's a sleepover. That's what you do.
Stevie: I'm just... excited. Never... had one. We can... read comics... and build... models.
Malcolm: Stevie, I never thought I'd say this but, slow down.
Stevie: Ha... ha.

Malcolm: You think we can order some pizza?
Stevie: Mom's... making... pizza. Cheeseless... sauceless... pizza.
Malcolm: That's just bread.
Stevie: Pizza... bread.

Reese: Why do we have to do this?
Lois: We don't have a single picture of us all together. That's ridiculous. We're a family. We should have a family portrait.
Malcolm: Well, Francis isn't here.
Lois: I'm not going to cough up $200 bucks to fly him in for one silly picture. Where's Dewey? Dewey, get out of there. That's not your family.

Hal: You sure you want autumn leaves as a backdrop?
Lois: Yes.
Hal: You didn't even look at happy windmills. [Lois walks away] It's more colorful. [turns away] Space shuttle.

Photographer: Next.
Lois: I have a coupon for one eight-by-ten and two wallet-size for $9.99 and that's what I want. Not the Golden Moments collection. I don't want the Family and Friends collection. I don't want the Lifetime of Love. I want one eight-by-ten and two wallet-size for $9.99.
Photographer: Fine. We have an installment plan if that would help. [Lois walks away]