Malcolm: It's not funny. It's awful. I did something horrible. Don't you even care?
Hal: Well, it's nothing to be proud of, son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake.
Reese: Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? What enemies?
Reese: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this... they'll know we're capable of anything. [birds squaw]
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, so it's not just me, right? There's something seriously wrong with this family.

Spangler: Men, most of you are at an age where your bodies have undergone significant... changes. While the benefits of increased muscle mass and a more authoritative speaking register are plain... these changes can produce certain negative desires. Now, we used to handle it with cold showers and regularly scheduled beatings but... sadly, times have changed and I am forced to rely on a less effective option: education. [changes slide] Pretty, isn't she? Perhaps her name is Mary or Wendy or Becky Lou. It doesn't matter because her real name... is disease. [changes slide] Not so pretty anymore, is she, men? Chancres... lesions... furuncles... Such is the price of weakness.
Francis: I can't believe they're swallowing this.
Stanley: Standard technique. Generate a fear response make the brain more receptive.
Francis: I don't care. Spangler has ruined everything in our lives. Now he has to ruin sex?
Spangler: Now, remember every one of these diseases can easily be transmitted to you. [boys groan]
Adam: Excuse me, sir? Isn't that slide upside down?
Spangler: No, son. No, it isn't.

Malcolm: [trumpet plays] We're gathered here today to say good-bye to Jumpy Number Eight.
Dewey: Nine.
Malcolm: Nine. He was a good... Nine? Are you sure, nine? [Dewey nods] Anyway, he was a very good frog. And he led a very full life.
Reese: I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk. It was hysterical.
Malcolm: Farewell, Jumpy Number Nine. We know you're going to a better place.
Dewey: [salutes] Bye, Jumpy.
Malcolm: Dad?
[Hal lights the rocket to which Jumpy is taped, sending it up into the air with a pop]
Reese: May he rest in pieces.
Malcolm & Dewey: Amen.

Stanley: Francis, I don't know why you assume we'll be able to just walk into Spangler's office and find the sex slides.
[As Francis and Stanley walk into Spangler's office with flashlights, they see slides labeled "Sex Slides" right on Spangler's desk]
Francis: Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins were this easy.
Stanley: Okay, I got 'em. Let's get out of here.
Francis: Wait a second. [turns lamp on and inspects slide] Oh, my God, this is a gold mine. Spangler drinking. Spangler kissing.
Stanley: Spangler in a Speedo?
Francis: Spangler out of a Speedo.
Stanley: All right, that's enough. Let's leave, huh?
Francis: Wait a second. I have an idea. I'm going to make Spangler's sexual awareness lecture just a little more interesting.
Stanley: Now, Francis, you do realize what he'll do to you if you humiliate him like this, right?
Francis: And yet, I'm doing it anyway. Weird, huh?

Spangler: Perhaps her name is Mary or Wendy, or Becky Lou. It doesn't matter because her real name is disease. [changes slide] [boys laugh] Isn't so pretty anymore, is she, boys? Chancres... lesions... furuncles... Such is the pri- Why, these aren't the proper slides. [a slide shows Francis picking his nose] Some hooligan has switched them. [another slide shows Francis picking his nose] This is obviously some ingenious scheme to humiliate me. [another slide shows Francis inspecting the result] I find myself... [a slide shows Francis scratching his butt at the urinal] so overcome with embarrassment I can't stop clicking. Although there's probably one in here of a cadet who thinks he's all alone, and... [Francis pulls the plug] Well, technical difficulties. We will resume the lecture with the proper slides at 0800 tomorrow. Gentlemen. [to Francis] Remember, son, a good soldier always checks the chamber.

Malcolm: Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin. I feel like I have a monster inside of me.
Lois: Oh, for crying out loud, Malcolm, that's no monster. That's your conscience. You should be thankful God gave you one.
Malcolm: Yeah. It feels great.
Lois: I'm serious. It's a gift. And you know what most people do with theirs? They keep them in the closet all year and bring them out only when they think he's coming to visit. You're not like that. Good for you.
Malcolm: But I can't stop thinking about it. [Lois pokes Malcolm's wound] Ow!
Lois: Were you thinking about it just then?
Malcolm: No!
Lois: See? I promise you will feel bad about Kevin only as long as you're supposed to. Now, go to bed. You're a nice boy, Malcolm, and I'll kick the conniption out of anybody who says you aren't. Including that little voice in your head.

Dewey: Why are the eggs so little?
Lois: They're robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down. Paul Bunyan.
Hal: Well, that's nature for you. 100 years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down. There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere.

Lois: Dewey, we told you to stop climbing that tree. It's too big.
Dewey: I couldn't help it.
Lois: I know, sweetheart.
Hal: That's it. I've had it. That sucker's coming down.
Lois: You're going to cut down the tree?
Hal: You're darn right. I'm sick and tired of raking leaves and hosing bird poop off our car. And seeing that weird face in the bark that follows you wherever you go. And now it's going after the children? No, Lois, it has to be stopped.
Dewey: Can I help kill it?
Hal: Sure, sweetheart. We'll take turns.

Hal: I don't suppose there's a beer guy around here.
Lois: This is a charity race at an elementary school.
Hal: Oh. So, I have to go to a stand, or something, huh?

Stevie: Kenarban... winds up... bases loaded... series on... the line.
Malcolm: Would you just throw the ball? [Stevie throws the ball] Ow!
Stevie: Want me to kiss it?