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Traffic Ticket

‘Traffic Ticket’

Season 2, Episode 16 -  Aired February 18, 2001

After Lois is pulled over for a traffic violation by a police officer she made pay full price for his goods, Lois insists she wasn't at fault and intends to fight the charge. Meanwhile, Francis is forced to earn money to pay off the parking tickets he'd accumulated in his mother's car.

Quote from Reese

Reese: Just remember, Mom, in a world of lies, truth is your only weapon. [off everyone's looks] What? It's not?


Quote from Francis

Malcolm: [on the phone] Hey, Francis. You know Mom's traffic ticket? Well, I have a videotape, and it shows that Mom really was at fault, and...
Francis: She was wrong?
Malcolm: Yeah, and now I'm trying to figure...
Francis: What are you talking to me for? You have incontrovertible proof that Mom was wrong. Shove it in her face.
Malcolm: Francis, I don't think that's a good idea.
Francis: Are you kidding? It's brilliant. From now on, whenever she gets all high-and-mighty with us, we can just throw this back at her.
Malcolm: Francis, I can't. If I show Mom this tape, she'll go crazy and then she'll kill the messenger, which is me. You're asking me to commit suicide.
Francis: And think of the look on her face!

Quote from Craig

Craig: Lois, Lois... I give Officer Stockton a discount. You know, policeman's discount? [whispers] 100% off?
Lois: Craig, I can't do that.
Craig: But, Lois...
Officer Stockton: Don't worry about it. It's okay, Greg. [walks away]
Craig: It's "Craig." [to Lois] What are you, crazy? Don't you know how this works? We scratch his back, he scratches ours? We give him a few candy bars, he looks out for us. It's called protection.
Lois: Craig, we have been robbed five times in the last six months.
Craig: Lois, think of all the places he gets free stuff from. He can't be everywhere at once.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Honey, don't worry about a thing. Everything's going to be fine. Francis will think of something. I hear they've made traffic school really fun. They have cooking traffic school, bowling traffic school. Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? I mean, God, that was hilarious. Okay. A rabbi, a priest and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Quote from Hal

Craig: You guys are not going to believe what I have. I have a surveillance arrangement with the manager of the mini-mart across the street. We exchange tapes in order to better understand the security needs of our customers.
Hal: "Short skirt, windy day"?
Craig: That's code. Anyhoo, one of their cameras caught Lois from a different angle right before she got her ticket. See? Lois was right all along! This completely exonerates her. Isn't this great? [Hal takes the tape out and stomps on it] What are you doing?
Hal: You will never, ever tell her of this.
Craig: But...
Hal: Ah! Ever.
Dewey: Got it? [Craig nods]

Quote from Lois

Malcolm: Mom, seriously, I'm not letting that kid with two fingers cut my hair again.
Lois: That's all you need to use scissors. And you be polite. Those people are nervous enough as it is. [police siren wails] Oh, what? I didn't do anything!
Reese: Make a run for it, Mom. We can be on the news.
Lois: All right, you boys, not a word out of any of you. No one makes piggy sounds, no one says they smell bacon, and no one claims to be kidnapped.

Quote from Dewey

Lois: Hey, guys. My shift is over in five minutes. Then we head over to the barber college.
Malcolm: Why can't we go to a real barber?
Lois: Because I like to support education. Besides, it's free.
Dewey: Are they going to take my hair and plant an evil Dewey?
Lois: Honey, we've already had this talk. Every word that comes out of Reese's mouth is a lie, remember?

Quote from Lois

Lois: Okay, go look at some magazines. And anything you break comes out of your allowance.
Reese: [o.s.] We don't get an allowance.
Lois: Yeah, now you know why.

Quote from Reese

Reese: I'm going to ask the barber to shave this side totally off and leave the other side long. You know, a style for each profile. A different look for both my moods.

Quote from Reese

Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets. The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!
Reese: Hey, Mom, is this a bad time to tell you I got kicked out out of shop class? I mean, it seems to pale in comparison.

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