Francis: Finally, Mom found the courage to speak her mind.
Lois: Why aren't you fixing that roof?
Francis: It's 40 degrees out there. I'll freeze. And it's going to rain.
Lois: That's why you have to fix the roof.
Francis: Well, maybe if you didn't buy such crappy shingles, it wouldn't leak all the time.
Lois: Francis, as long as you are in this house, you will do as I say.
Francis: You know what, Mom? No. I'm too old to be bullied by you. Our whole lives, you have done nothing but dictate what you wanted. You're the boss of the world, and we're all sick of it. This may be your roof, but we live here, too. We are human beings with rights...
[cut to Francis outside delivering his speech:]
Francis: ...and I'm hereby putting an end to your reign of terror. [to a homeless man on a park bench] You should have seen the look on her face. It was totally worth it.

Malcolm: Look, I don't like this any better than you do. Let's just get it over with. Dude, this book's totally wrecked. What did you do to it?
Reese: I threw it at a duck.
Malcolm: Well, where's your math book?
Reese: Which half?
Malcolm: We'll just start with geography, then.
Reese: I don't take geography!
Malcolm: Yes, you do. You got a grade in it.
Reese: Oh, that can't be good.

Lois: [to Malcolm] You took that test, didn't you? You cheated... [to Reese] You let him cheat for you? [to Mr. Woodward] You gave something he wrote an "F"?! [thunder cracks] You are out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power.
Mr. Woodward: There is no need for name-calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are...
Lois: Oh, I don't think so.
Mr. Woodward: Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated. He'll be expelled.
Lois: Don't you threaten me.
Mr. Woodward: This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for... well, Reese.
Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? [Mr. Woodward shakes his head] Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Mr. Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
Francis: [yells through the window] Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof! I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom! Please, just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I want to be warm again! Mom, please!
Mr. Woodward: Maybe we can work something out. [Francis wails]

Malcolm: Come on, Reese, the test is in two hours!
Reese: This is too much, Malcolm. I'll never pass this thing. There's 30 true-false questions and five essays. It's impossible.
Dabney: So, Reese, today's the big test?
Lloyd: What do you have to get on this thing to say out of remedial class?
Reese: A "B." [Krelboynes laugh]
Malcolm: No, guys, he's serious.
Stevie: But you're... an idiot.
Reese: You're right.
Lloyd: Yeah. The only way this idiot's going to pass the test is if somebody else takes it for the idiot. Right, idiot? [Reese grabs Lloyd by his sweater] Stevie set the precedent! You had a chance for rebuttal, but since you didn't answer you waived your right! Therefore, it's an agreed-upon term!

Lois: Francis, I don't want to hear another argument about it. You are going to fix the roof.
Francis: That is totally unfair! I come home from school and you immediately put me to work.
Lois: Well, someone has to do it, and you know your father is terrified of heights.
Francis: He is not terrified!
Lois: The last time he changed a lightbulb, we had to talk him down from the table. You are going to do this.
Francis: Why don't you just put a choke chain around my neck and make me sleep in the garage?!

[As Mr. Woodward emerges from his class with a stack of papers and Malcolm finishes Reese's paper, Dabney and Lloyd wheel Stevie out and push him down the hallway]
Boy: Hey, watch out!
Stevie: Be... the cannonball. [crashing sound]
Mr. Woodward: Are you all right?
Stevie: Way to go... hot rod!

[Hal is smoking a cigar and using a vacuum cleaner to suck up the smoke]
Lois: [o.s.] Hal?
[Hal panics]
Lois: [enters] Are you smoking again?
Hal: No! I am cleaning. Do you smell smoke?
Lois: No, but I...
Hal: No, Lois, if I wanted to smoke a cigar I wouldn't be sneaking around like a scared little schoolboy. I would do it out in the open like a man. [the vacuum engine splutters and smokes]
Lois: That was our third shop vac. That is our last shop vac.

Malcolm: [to camera] This is what we call a "level four" rage. The only way not to get nailed is to make no sudden moves and avoid eye contact at all costs.
[As the boys try to eat their cereal without looking up at Lois, Reese accidentally clatters his spoon and makes eye contact.]
Lois: And you... You think just because you hide the note, the parent-teacher meeting will just go away?
Reese: Mom, Mr. Woodward is totally out to get me.
Lois: Every teacher since kindergarten has been out to get you.
Reese: I know. It upsets me, too.
[Malcolm senses an opportunity and drags the cereal box from near Dewey, placing it in front of his own face as a shield. As Dewey tries to take it back, the pair struggle over the box. Hal enters, whistling.]
Lois: Why is the drain still clogged?
[The kids have vanished.]
Hal: Uh, honey, there was a, you know... I was only seconds away from... It's a funny thing, see... Oh, what a mess! Look at that! That is a milk ring on the table. [exits]

Mr. Woodward: Reese is still searching for academic truth. His... focus is diffuse. His initiative is waning, and... it's preventing his full potentiation.
Hal: What?
Mr. Woodward: To put it simply, Reese isn't self-actualized.
Lois: Look, maybe I could just give you a topic and you could tell us "good" or "bad." That would help us here.
Mr. Woodward: Reese is flunking almost every subject, and I'm going to recommend that he be moved into the remedial class.
Hal: And that's a euphemism for...
Mr. Woodward: The remedial class.
Lois: [laughs] No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, that is not an option.
Hal: We'll get him to buckle down.
Mr. Woodward: I hope it's that simple.
Lois: Reese will get back on track. We'll see to it if it kills him.
Mr. Woodward: I'm glad to see your level of commitment. I'm really happy we had this chance to talk.
Hal: So we can go now.

Lois: I don't want to hear any excuses. You will sit down every night and work until those grades are up.
Malcolm: Why do I have to tutor him?
Lois: Because God gave you a giant brain. Blame him.
Malcolm: Reese screws up, and I get punished for it? Where's the logic in that?
Lois: Malcolm, I have zero tolerance on this one.