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‘Health Insurance’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Malcolm in the Middle: Health Insurance

702. Health Insurance

Aired October 7, 2005

Hal is terrified of someone in the family getting injured after he realizes he never mailed the health insurance check. Meanwhile, Lois suspects Craig is the snitch who leaked the names of the Lucky Aide employees considering joining a union.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: Eat faster!
Dewey: Don't chew it. Just swallow it!
Reese: [eats ice cream] Nothing.
Malcolm: [to camera] Granted, this isn't scientific, but the fact that Reese can't get brain freeze has to prove something.
Reese: Wait. I'm feeling something in my toes. [eats more ice cream]

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Quote from Hal

Hal: Well, we can't take a walk without our jackets anymore, Jamie. It's the first cool day of fall. Fall reminds adults about our mortality, but for you, it's just pretty leaves.

Quote from Craig

Joe: I just want to thank Hattie for organizing this meeting. I think it's about time the people who really do the work around here start standing up for ourselves. I for one, am sick of no overtime, no job security-
Craig: Excuse me, Joe, I just want to say that Mr. Cochran makes a lot more money than us. And I strongly feel that on that basis alone, he should be trusted.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Craig. You know what really bothers me? When I see Mr. Cochran parking his car out front every morning and we've got to park nine blocks away.
Craig: They let us use the shuttle to get to our cars.
Lois: That's the city bus, Craig.
Craig: I appreciate all the anger that's in this room, and God knows I'm not one to shy away from a fight, but I suggest that instead of starting a union, we form a special committee to maybe paint Mr. Cochran's house so he'll want to be nice to us. [murmurs of disagreement]
Shelly: Sit down and shut up, Feldspar.
Lois: You know what? I've worked here for almost ten years. I have never felt we needed a union, but when I think about what this place has done to some of us, how it's made us so afraid to even voice our opinions, then I think maybe we do. [applause]
Craig: Okay, but let the record show that I advocated a policy of cowardice and appeasement.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: The Schwabs sent out a mass e-mail to everyone at school. They Photoshopped our heads onto a dirty movie.
Dewey: Gross!
Reese: That can't be a dirty movie. There aren't any girls in it. Oh, my God!
Malcolm: I'm not homophobic. If the three of us were gay lovers, I'd be fine with this. But it's not true!
Reese: This is so humiliating. My abs are way more ripped than that guy's.
Dewey: We've got to respond.
Reese: Well, I was saving this one to what grade Mr. Watts was going to give me, but we can climb up on their roof and drop a wasp nest down their chimney. I have one ready. I've been teasing the for months to keep them angry.

Quote from Hal

Lois: This is just a game?! You made me race across town thinking one of you was dying and it's just a game?!
Reese: We got bored. There's not much to do around here.
Dewey: Yeah, maybe if you took us on a trip once in a while-
Lois: Hal, do you hear this?
Hal: [falls onto the boys] I'm on it, Lois.
Lois: I can't believe that- Hal, are you crying?
Hal: With rage! You know how mad I get when these boys pull stunts like this.
Lois: There's something fishy about this.
Hal: Fishy is a nice way to put it, Lois. They are gonna get the grounding of their life. They are gonna feel the full brunt of my wrath.
Lois: Oh, I've been wrong about so much lately I don't even trust my own radar. I got to get back to work. You start the punishment, Hal, but leave some for me. [exits]
Hal: Drive safely.

Quote from Craig

Hattie: And that's why I propose we affiliate ourselves with the Teamsters. They can deliver a benefits package that's quite substantial. It's all spelled out in this literature.
Craig: Well, I think this is a bad idea. Bad, bad, bad!
Lois: Craig, it can't hurt to just listen.
Craig: When Mr. Cochran finds out we're talking union, we'll lose all our perks.
Lois: What perks?
Craig: We get to wear the smocks on our days off. And they're talking about fixing the hand dryer in the men's room.

Quote from Reese

Hal: What does it take to keep you boys safe?
Malcolm: Dad, you don't know what the Schwabs did.
Hal: I don't care what they did! What is the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?!
Reese: Dad, I'm not going to die.
Hal: What?
Reese: I'm 17.
Hal: And so you can't die?
Reese: I just don't see it happening.
Hal: I've got news for you, Reese. 17 year olds die all the time.
Reese: Oh, come on, Dad. That's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

Quote from Malcolm

Lois: I raced home! What is it?
Hal: Honey, there's something you should know.
Malcolm: Nine minutes and 23 seconds. I win.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: We made a bet to see how quickly you could get here if you thought there was an emergency.
Dewey: You don't win. Reese said ten minutes.
Malcolm: But you're not allowed to go over.
Reese: You can't decide that now. That's cheating!
Lois: You did what?!
Malcolm: I don't blame you for being mad, Mom. Reese underestimates you all the time.

Quote from Craig

Craig: Happy anniversary, Lois. I chewed through my ropes so I could have this set up for you when you got back.
Lois: Oh, Craig.
Craig: I invited the entire staff, but I guess they didn't show up, on account of seeing me as human garbage.
Lois: I wish you'd be mad at me. Yell at me, tell me I'm a horrible person. Please.
Craig: Don't apologize, Lois. If you want to make me happy, just sit down and enjoy your party. [over microphone] Hello, everybody. Here's one I'm sure you'll all remember. [sings] Here she comes now, our Lois, Lois. Struttin' down the aisle like she doesn't know us. Hey, she wears a smock and she looks all right, yeah. You gotta scan and stock and mark the cat chow Meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah. 'Cause she's been here ten... Years. Through the laughs, through the tears. Punchin' in. Punchin' out. 'cept that time she had gout. I say yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: We did it! We finally got back at Tim Schwab and his brother.
Dewey: What'd you do?
Reese: We found a dead octopus in a dumpster at the seafood store. We shoved its mouth full of medical waste and put it in the Schwabs' air conditioner.
Malcolm: That'll teach them to say we're obnoxious.
Dewey: Why didn't you let me help?
Reese: It couldn't wait, Dewey. With a dead octopus, there's a very small window before it starts smelling like just another dead fish.
Malcolm: Reese, your hands still stink.
Reese: Yeah... [sniffs] Like victory.

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