Otto: I disown all of you! All of you! I never thought I would feel ashamed of being German.

Lois: Because every time you come in contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
Craig: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lois: Come on, if it weren't for us, you'd still have all your teeth. You wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan. Your car, it never would have been filled with bees.
Craig: Coincidences.
Lois: Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.
Craig: Please, Lois, it's Christmas.
Lois: Here. Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.
Craig: Thank you. [opens box] Ow! [a squirrel runs out of the box]
Lois: Oh! Well, I wish I could say I was surprised.

Dewey: I want you to buy me out.
Hal: No, Dewey, this is just a temporary setback.
Dewey: If you believe that, then buy me out.
Reese: It's over, Dad.
Hal: Over? We're only one tree away!
Malcolm: Dad, we can't get the truck back. We can't use the front lawn. The cops are watching us. Face it, we've lost.
Hal: So you're just going to let a little reality stop you, is that it? Boys, let me tell you something. The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I was going to let myself get beaten by failure, I would've quit after one kid. You just got to keep holding out for a miracle. And if a miracle isn't going to come at Christmas, then when is it going to come?! [doorbell rings] See?! There it is! Our Christmas miracle! I knew it!

Hal: Oh, honey, I can't do any more tonight. Let's just leave the mess and get some sleep, huh?
Lois: Wait a minute, we bought ten presents.
Hal: Yeah?
Lois: Why are there 11 packages? [the box rattles]
Hal: Oh, my God. [unwraps Jamie] Oh...
Lois: We would have figured it out before we mailed it, right?
Hal: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Hal: I know this is coming at a bad time, but I think I have a plan that'll make us enough money to get through this. I'm going to sell Christmas trees.
Malcolm: What?
Hal: In college, I sold Christmas trees every December with my roommate Victor.
Lois: I thought he sold illegal cable boxes.
Hal: To pay for the Christmas trees.

Malcolm: Hey, Reese and I have some money saved up. If we go in on this, we can get 200 trees. We'd make $4,000.
Hal: You'd put your own money in?
Reese: Sure. I was going to invest mine with this Nigerian General who's been sending me e-mails, but, hey, this is family.

Piama: It's gonna be weird not being with our families on Christmas.
Francis: I know. It feels... great! It's like all the ugliness and turmoil you always associate with Christmas is gone.

Hal: "Hal and Sons." That means you, too, Jamie. [gets emotional] I know it's just a crappy wooden sign, but... Boys, I want you to know that this is the greatest day of my life. I'm so happy and proud of each and every one of you, and I just want to make sure that you don't screw this up. We will have so many precious memories together, as long as you don't give in to your worst instincts and do something really stupid. I just love you so much, and I want to keep loving you.
Malcolm: Dad, stop worrying. We can do this. With what we spent on trees and truck rental, we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Then let's just sell that tree first.
Dewey: What are those tools for?
Hal: Let me show you. These are for setting up the trees. First you use the radial saw to cut an inch off the bottom of the trunk. Then you use this nail gun to stick the tree stand... [hides nail gun behind back] Again, I am so proud of you boys and I don't want to lose this feeling.

Hal: Okay. You're all set.
Girl: Mister, is this tree dead?
Hal: Well, of course not. We made sure we cut a fresh wound in the bottom of your tree so it could suck up water. That way, your tree is suspended in a netherworld between life and death, just waiting for you to open your presents. [chuckles] [bops her on the noise]

Hal: You believe that church trying to undersell us? You don't see us offering Mass at half price.