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Red Dress

‘Red Dress’

Season 1, Episode 2 -  Aired January 16, 2000

On her wedding anniversary, Lois is furious with the boys when she finds the dress she was going to wear burnt and in the toilet.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Franklin, I'm ready to order.
Franklin: Are you sure, sir?
Hal: Mm-hmm. You see, in our family we have a saying. "After an hour, eat without her. If it's any longer, something's wronger."
Franklin: Very catchy, sir.
Hal: Well, when life gives you lemons make lemonade, Franklin. Do you have any lemonade?
Franklin: No, sir.
Hal: Oh. Do you have lemons?
Franklin: Yes, sir.
Hal: Well, throw one in another martini and let's hear those specials.


Quote from Dewey

Reese: Hey. What am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart. I'm not psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.

Quote from Hal

Hal: [admiring whistle] Nice place you got here.
Attendant: Thank you, sir. I like to, uh, create an atmosphere. Did you enjoy your meal, sir?
Hal: Well... if you can call four olives, two onions and a whole lot of alcohol a meal, then, yes.
Attendant: Very good, sir.
Hal: Uh... What have you got in the cologne department?
Attendant: Um, were you looking for anything in particular?
Hal: Well, I've been thinking about a signature scent. You see, I'd like to leave a room and have people say, "Boy, it smells like Hal in here"... but in a nice way.
Attendant: Right. Yeah. Uh, let's see... You... You strike me as a sandalwood.
Hal: Sandalwood, huh? Sandalwood. Let's give it a smell-see, shall we? Huh? Yes. That's quite nice. Hit me. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, that's that is quite nice. Ooh! You do a service to your craft, sir. [to another customer leaving the bathroom] This man is a genius. [man exits] Snooty bastard. You'd think this place would be the great equalizer, huh? You know, even a king looks like a fool when he's answering nature's call. Am I right? Of course I'm right. Well... It's been a pleasure. [holds hand out] Oh. Sorry. Have a good evening.
Attendant: Uh, sir.
Hal: Yes?
Attendant: Thank you for making eye contact with me.

Quote from Malcolm

Lois: What'd you do?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Don't give me that. What'd you do?
Reese: Nothing.
Malcolm: Mom, I'm trying to study.
Lois: Oh. I'm sure you don't mind if I, uh... [opens drawer] took a look in here!
Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. We didn't do anything.
Lois: Oh, you boys are up to something. I can smell it. If you've broken another window, it is going to come out of your- [opens curtains]
Reese: Are you done? You want to frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky this time.
[As Lois walks out of the boys' room and closes the door behind her, Dewey is tied up and hanging from the coat rack. A moment later, Lois opens the door and takes another look around the room before closing it again.]
Dewey: That was close.
Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] The good thing about being smart is I never have to look up any phone numbers. The bad thing is no one else in the family ever bothers to remember anything. [on the phone] Hey, Francis, you told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Francis: Ah, great. When is it?
Malcolm: Today.
Francis: Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so that I can get them something.
Malcolm: That's okay. We'll put your name on their gift.
Francis: Cool. Thanks. I owe you one.
Malcolm: No. You owe me 20. That's what your share comes to.
Francis: You got them an $80 gift?
Malcolm: Uh... yeah.

Quote from Craig

Craig: Happy anniversary. 16 wonderful years to the same man. That Hal is one lucky hombre.
Lois: You shouldn't have.
Craig: Oh, please. A special gift for a special lady on a special day.
Lois: No. I mean, really, you shouldn't have. Aren't only husbands supposed to give gifts?
Craig: Fine. Throw it in the trash, then.
Lois: Ho-ho-hold on. Let's see what it is first. Oh, look at- I've been meaning to try this color.
Craig: I know. I saw you eyeing it a couple weeks ago.
Lois: I didn't know we carried this brand.
Craig: We don't.
Lois: So where did you see me-
Craig: So, big plans for tonight? What are you going to be wearing? [chuckles]

Quote from Lois

Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?!
Malcolm: Mom! What?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done. Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer. Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it.
Malcolm: Reese did it.
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

Quote from Malcolm

Reese: I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.
Malcolm: 186,480.
Reese: You counted all those?
Malcolm: No, you just count one tile's holes across and down. Multiply it, then multiply it again by the number of tiles.

Quote from Reese

Reese: You're doing that more and more.
Malcolm: Doing what?
Reese: That brain thing. Are you just going to keep getting smarter and weirder?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Reese: Well, can you tone it down a little bit? 'Cause I can't keep up with all these butt-kickings.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Well, at least twice a day I have to whoop-ass on some kid calling you a weirdo. Honestly, it's exhausting.
Malcolm: You beat up people 'cause they call me a weirdo?
Reese: The last kid, he was a freak anyways. He was in no position to throw out names.
Malcolm: Thanks.
Reese: For what?
Malcolm: Nothing.

Quote from Dewey

Francis: [on the phone] What's that? I can't hear you.
Malcolm: She's killing us!
♫ Nice is good, mean is bad Don't be mean 'cause mean is bad Nice is better than mean ♫ [Reese groans] ♫ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♫
Dewey: Why does she have to ruin everything I love?

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