Hal: Franklin, I'm ready to order.
Franklin: Are you sure, sir?
Hal: Mm-hmm. You see, in our family we have a saying. "After an hour, eat without her. If it's any longer, something's wronger."
Franklin: Very catchy, sir.
Hal: Well, when life gives you lemons make lemonade, Franklin. Do you have any lemonade?
Franklin: No, sir.
Hal: Oh. Do you have lemons?
Franklin: Yes, sir.
Hal: Well, throw one in another martini and let's hear those specials.

Reese: Hey. What am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart. I'm not psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.

Hal: [admiring whistle] Nice place you got here.
Attendant: Thank you, sir. I like to, uh, create an atmosphere. Did you enjoy your meal, sir?
Hal: Well... if you can call four olives, two onions and a whole lot of alcohol a meal, then, yes.
Attendant: Very good, sir.
Hal: Uh... What have you got in the cologne department?
Attendant: Um, were you looking for anything in particular?
Hal: Well, I've been thinking about a signature scent. You see, I'd like to leave a room and have people say, "Boy, it smells like Hal in here"... but in a nice way.
Attendant: Right. Yeah. Uh, let's see... You... You strike me as a sandalwood.
Hal: Sandalwood, huh? Sandalwood. Let's give it a smell-see, shall we? Huh? Yes. That's quite nice. Hit me. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, that's that is quite nice. Ooh! You do a service to your craft, sir. [to another customer leaving the bathroom] This man is a genius. [man exits] Snooty bastard. You'd think this place would be the great equalizer, huh? You know, even a king looks like a fool when he's answering nature's call. Am I right? Of course I'm right. Well... It's been a pleasure. [holds hand out] Oh. Sorry. Have a good evening.
Attendant: Uh, sir.
Hal: Yes?
Attendant: Thank you for making eye contact with me.

Lois: What'd you do?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Don't give me that. What'd you do?
Reese: Nothing.
Malcolm: Mom, I'm trying to study.
Lois: Oh. I'm sure you don't mind if I, uh... [opens drawer] took a look in here!
Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. We didn't do anything.
Lois: Oh, you boys are up to something. I can smell it. If you've broken another window, it is going to come out of your- [opens curtains]
Reese: Are you done? You want to frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky this time.
[As Lois walks out of the boys' room and closes the door behind her, Dewey is tied up and hanging from the coat rack. A moment later, Lois opens the door and takes another look around the room before closing it again.]
Dewey: That was close.
Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

Malcolm: [to camera] The good thing about being smart is I never have to look up any phone numbers. The bad thing is no one else in the family ever bothers to remember anything. [on the phone] Hey, Francis, you told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Francis: Ah, great. When is it?
Malcolm: Today.
Francis: Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so that I can get them something.
Malcolm: That's okay. We'll put your name on their gift.
Francis: Cool. Thanks. I owe you one.
Malcolm: No. You owe me 20. That's what your share comes to.
Francis: You got them an $80 gift?
Malcolm: Uh... yeah.

Craig: Happy anniversary. 16 wonderful years to the same man. That Hal is one lucky hombre.
Lois: You shouldn't have.
Craig: Oh, please. A special gift for a special lady on a special day.
Lois: No. I mean, really, you shouldn't have. Aren't only husbands supposed to give gifts?
Craig: Fine. Throw it in the trash, then.
Lois: Ho-ho-hold on. Let's see what it is first. Oh, look at- I've been meaning to try this color.
Craig: I know. I saw you eyeing it a couple weeks ago.
Lois: I didn't know we carried this brand.
Craig: We don't.
Lois: So where did you see me-
Craig: So, big plans for tonight? What are you going to be wearing? [chuckles]

Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?!
Malcolm: Mom! What?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done. Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer. Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it.
Malcolm: Reese did it.
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

Reese: I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.
Malcolm: 186,480.
Reese: You counted all those?
Malcolm: No, you just count one tile's holes across and down. Multiply it, then multiply it again by the number of tiles.

Reese: You're doing that more and more.
Malcolm: Doing what?
Reese: That brain thing. Are you just going to keep getting smarter and weirder?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Reese: Well, can you tone it down a little bit? 'Cause I can't keep up with all these butt-kickings.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Well, at least twice a day I have to whoop-ass on some kid calling you a weirdo. Honestly, it's exhausting.
Malcolm: You beat up people 'cause they call me a weirdo?
Reese: The last kid, he was a freak anyways. He was in no position to throw out names.
Malcolm: Thanks.
Reese: For what?
Malcolm: Nothing.

Francis: [on the phone] What's that? I can't hear you.
Malcolm: She's killing us!
♫ Nice is good, mean is bad Don't be mean 'cause mean is bad Nice is better than mean ♫ [Reese groans] ♫ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♫
Dewey: Why does she have to ruin everything I love?