Craig: Oh, Lois, thank God. Fred asked me to scrub out the Dumpsters tonight, but Paula wants to work on her short iron, so I had to schedule an emergency lesson with the golf pro. The guy charges, like, 90 bucks an hour. It's really eating away at my savings, but I guess I have no one to blame but myself, and, oh, my God, you know about the affair. Damn it! Damn it! You do know, right?
Lois: Yes, I know.
Craig: Damn it!
Lois: Craig, how could you lie to me after all I've done for you? I let you sleep on our floor when you though your cat's ghost was trying to kill you. I settled that feud between you and the Girl Scout troop.
Craig: They started it.

Lois: Do you believe this?
Hal: What happened?
Lois: I was half way through my haircut when Troy casually mentioned that his price had gone up from $21 to $28. And he thought I would just sit there and take it. Well, I showed him, Hal. I got up and I walked right out of there. This is extortion, pure and simple.

Reese: You are going to be so proud of me.
Malcolm: Why?
Reese: I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me "Sugarbuns" 15 times on nine separate occasions.
Malcolm: Reese.
Reese: So the guy starts crying, "What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything." Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.
Malcolm: Why do I care about this?
Reese: The guy works at the racetrack. He's going to make bets for us on the horses we pick. Well, the horses you pick. This is tomorrow's racing form. You'll pick the winners and I'll place the bets, we split the winnings 50-50, like brothers.
Malcolm: That's kind of nice.
Reese: Yeah. I got to keep this guy on his toes. Time to leave a suspicious message on his answering machine.
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow, blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling. How could this not work out?

Lois: What in the?
Malcolm: This is my new car. I bought it. Now, I know what you're thinking, but please just give me 45 seconds to explain why this is the perfect car for me and how it was such and insanely great deal that I had no choice but to buy it.
Dewey: Hey, there's some black gooey stuff leaking out of it.
Malcolm: I know it looks fast and dangerous, but that's a good thing. Cops will have their eye on my car, so I'll be extra motivated to drive safe and slow. It didn't cost much, so I'll have enough to pay for the first year's insurance. Think of all the money you'll save from less wear and tear on your car, since I won't have to drive it anymore.
Dewey: I can put my finger through the metal.
Malcolm: Dewey, get out of there! I'll be able to work extra shifts since I won't have to ride in with you, which means I'll be bringing more money into the house. Oh, and I love it. I know you don't care, but it just needed to be said.

Craig: I need you to cover the rest of my shift for me.
Lois: Again? Craig, what's going on?
Craig: Paula wants to surprise Fred for their anniversary. He's a big golfer, so she wants to learn how, so I've been giving her lessons.
Lois: But you don't know how to golf.
Craig: True, but somehow she got the idea that I only missed the cut at the Masters by three strokes.
Lois: You lied to her?
Craig: Lois, my job here is hanging by a thread. I thought if I could help the boss's wife surprise him with a game of golf, they'd end up kissing on the 18th green, and maybe I'd be in there somewhere getting the credit for it.
Lois: Or you could just work hard at your job and then you wouldn't have to suck up.
Craig: Lois, I don't have time for your fantasies. I'm in trouble here. The first few lessons we worked on driving the cart, but now she wants to know how to swing a club. I need to take a lesson so I can bluff my way through her lessons.
Lois: Craig.
Craig: Please, Lois. I can't lose this job. This is the only true thing on my resume.

Lois: Hal, what are you doing?
Hal: Just giving Margie a new look.
Margie: I had to have him do me. Your husband's a genius.
Dewey: And I get to keep the hair.

Reese: Malcolm, we did it. We won over $250 from... [sees Stevie] from the good grades program at school.

Reese: Hey, thanks for placing that bet today. I tried to get out of detention, but none of the fire alarms were working. Where's the money?
Malcolm: I never made the bet.
Reese: What?
Malcolm: I didn't make the bet. I spent the money on something else. A car bra!
Reese: What?! You had $200. That horse came in at 5 to 2. I don't know what that is, but I'm supposed to get half of it.

Lois: I do all this and you repay me by making me drag around fifty-pound sacks of dog food so you can sleep with the boss's wife. That's inexcusable!
Craig: I didn't plan this. It just happened. One night after inventory, we stopped in the parking lot to talk. I bent down to pick up her keys, the next thing I know, she's got me handcuffed in a shower in a motel out by the airport. She's crazy, Lois. But she makes me crazy, too.
Lois: Craig.
Craig: I'm not kidding. There is a dark, scary place inside of me that I didn't even know was there, but Paula knew it was there, and every night she takes me to that scary place and shows me some new, terrible, delicious corner of it. You're not going to rat on me, are you?
Lois: No, but you have to end this. Today!
Craig: I can't, Lois. I'm addicted. I don't even know who I am anymore! I know I've let you down, but I want to thank you for helping me anyway.
Lois: Craig, I never said I-
Craig: If that homeless guy is still in the Dumpster, just let him drink from the hose. He'll leave you alone.

Reese: Malcolm, your leopard-skin seat covers are here.
Malcolm: Sweet. I can't wait to see you in them. What's going on?
Reese: Malcolm, this is Mike. He's from AAA.
Mike: You're in a safe place with people who care about you. Sit down, son.
Malcolm: What's all this about?
Mike: Stevie and Reese have something to say and I think you should listen.
Stevie: You've abandoned... your friends. You didn't... even notice... my new... deck shoes.
Malcolm: Stevie, I've just been busy, okay?