Lois: [to Malcolm] You really got to stop being such a snob. There's pride in doing anything well. I'd rather you were the best toilet scrubber in the world than a slapdash Supreme Court justice. And how about showing me a little bit gratitude? There's nothing embarrassing about working at Lucky Aide.

Hal: Oh, Dewey. I need your help. You're always skulking around, listening in on everyone's conversations. Do you have any dirt on your mom? I need something really big and awful. I did something bad, so I have to find something that she did bad, then I can confess what I did, and it won't seem like such a big deal.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad, but I don't just stash away information...
Hal: Stash? You found the stash? You and me partners. We cut everyone else out.
Dewey: No! No! I didn't find the stash!
Hal: Okay, okay. Are you sure she's not having an affair? Because that would be perfect.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad. I think she loves you.
Hal: Damn! If I can't do the "You did bad, I did bad" thing, then I gotta do the "I did bad, you'll get a big, expensive present" thing. Never get married, Dewey. If you want kids, get your eggs from the state.

Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing? I was in the middle of a game!
Lois: Do you want to explain why I found circled want ads sticking out of your backpack?!
Malcolm: Yes, I do.
Lois: I'm not interested! You are not finding another job!
Malcolm: Huh?
Lois: No! You are not getting a job away from my constant supervision, and that's it. I'm not going to risk your future by giving you even a second of freedom! This family has too much invested in you. Oh, cheer up. Once I find a proper wife for you, you'll have your precious space.

Lois: Hal? What are you doing here? Is everything all right?
Hal: Not yet, but it will be as soon as you put these on.
Lois: Are you crazy?
Hal: If loving your wife is crazy, then I'm a drooling lunatic. You deserve the moon and the sky, Lois. Maybe someday I'll be able to buy them for you, but for now, these will have to do.
Lois: Oh, Hal. Thank you.
Hal: I accidentally spent $800 on phone sex.
Lois: I was doing my makeup in the rear view mirror, and I ran over your golf clubs.
Hal: I burned a hole in your favorite dress.
Lois: You didn't get that promotion because I called your boss a fat-ass at the Christmas party.
Hal: I lost my wedding ring three years ago. This is part of a lawnmower.
Lois: Your Aunt Lucy isn't angry with you. She's dead. I just forgot to tell you.

Craig: I've read that the Chinese invented stilts so they could survive among Panda bears. Of course, that was before they built the Great Wall. After that, only the Emperor was allowed to walk on them.

Reese: You guys are not gonna believe what happened! I was at the college, checking out the trees over by the sorority houses, and then this guy comes up to me and asks if I wanted a job!
Dewey: Experimental drug testing?
Reese: He must've thought I was in college because of my binoculars and everything. Can you believe it? They pay people just to take pills! Why is anyone doing anything else?
Malcolm: Reese, this is the kind of job they give to guys on death row.
Reese: Yeah, and I'm totally skipping that part.

Dewey: Jamie, get out of here. I have to- [sees the necklace in Jamie's hands]
[flashback:]
Lois: Francis, I am not going to ask you again! You tell me where you hid my pearl necklace!
Francis: Somewhere you'll never find it! I have a hiding place so perfect, you could look for a hundred years and it won't matter! Your earrings, your necklace, your bracelet, all your meaningless material possessions you hold so dear, gone forever! Now I can go to military school knowing you're as miserable as I am, 'cause you'll never find it! Ever! [laughs]
[present:]
Dewey: The stash. Jamie, where did you?
Malcolm: [enters] The stash?! What about the stash?
Dewey: I didn't say anything about the stash. [hides necklace in Jamie's romper]
Reese: I think I heard you very clearly say "the stash." We don't talk about the stash unless we found the stash.
Dewey: I didn't find the stash!
Malcolm: Okay, but I suggest you remember our deal. If any of us does find it, we split Mom's reward three ways.
Reese: Because we're brothers and we love each other.

Lois: Malcolm, come on! We're going to be late!
Malcolm: All right, all right, I'm coming.
Lois: Why aren't you wearing your smock?
Malcolm: Because the longer I don't put it on, the longer I can pretend I don't work in that soul killing fluorescent tomb. As shocking as it may sound to you, I don't actually like stocking wart cream and telling 80-year-olds which diapers leak the least.
Lois: "Thank you, Mother, for getting me a job so I don't have to be a bum on the street." "You're welcome." "Can I open the door for you, after everything you've sacrificed for me?" "Why, that's very thoughtful of you."

Craig: Malcolm! Malcolm! Did you hear the news? They fired Sam the stilt guy! Word is he puked into the sunroof of the boss's El Dorado. This is bad, Malcolm, really bad.
Malcolm: Bad? He's been coming to work drunk for 20 years.
Craig: I meant bad for me. This means they're paying attention! Sam was my canary. Now my work has to speak for itself!

Lois: Don't say I never listen to you, Malcolm. I had to lobby hard for you, but you're replacing Sam. It's 30 cents an hour more; you get to work outside and wave to all your friends.