Kirk: Lorelai, what time do you have?
Luke: Do not tell him. He already knows.
Kirk: I do not!
Luke: If you just wait for the bells, then you'll get to hear the bells, and then you'll know what time it is.
Kirk: Actually, that's not true. The other day I stood too close to the bells and they rang so loud that there's now a persistent ringing in my ears. Now I can't tell which are the church bells and which are the Kirk bells.
Lorelai: Oh, no. Did you go to the doctor?
Kirk: Yes, he said I have tinnitis. I looked it up on the web at "Celebrities Who Share Your Disease" and found that William Shatner is likewise afflicted.
Luke: Really, Kirk and Captain Kirk?
Kirk: The irony wasn't lost on me. Was that them?

Lorelai: I need stamps.
Kirk: Well, your timing is perfect. The breakfast-food series just came out last week. Look at the dancing toast. Aren't they a kick? And here is our cartoon series.
Lorelai: Hey, do you have any Lucille Balls left?
Kirk: Yes, I have some Balls.

Kirk: I have night terrors.
Luke: Night terrors?
Kirk: Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.
Luke: Jeez.
Kirk: I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Luke: Why?
Kirk: Because it was a bomb.
Luke: Of course.
Kirk: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof.
Luke: Huh.
Kirk: Completely naked.
Luke: Aw, jeez!
Kirk: The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.

Kirk: Oh, there you are. You won't believe it. Big news.
Lorelai: Kirk, sit down.
Kirk: Can't. These aren't my pants. I have the results of my latest poll. I talked to every single person in town, and unanimously, they're all voting for Jackson.
Sookie: What?
Jackson: Are you sure?
Kirk: I am sure. I talked to everyone except Taylor - but I assumed he was voting for himself - and they all told me the same thing.
Sookie: We're going to win? I'm gonna be the first town selectman lady.
Jackson: I can't believe it.
Lorelai: Kirk, you're sure about this? Every single person?
Kirk: Every person except Taylor. And even that's not a lock, 'cause hatred for Taylor runs very deep.

Kirk: How are we all doing tonight?
Lorelai: Good, Kirk. How are you?
Kirk: Good, I'm Kirk. I'm very proud to announce that tonight's feature presentation is the classic Cool Hand Luke. [Lorelai & Rory cheer] But I'm deeply sorry to report that the first reel of the movie inexplicably caught fire earlier this evening.
Rory: Oh, no!
Lorelai: That's what happens when Richard Pryor is your projectionist.
Kirk: I can still show you the film, but you'd miss the first 25 minutes. I'd be happy to recap what you'd miss, or even act it out for you. I must say, I do a wicked George Kennedy.

Kirk: How often do you slip in your tub?
Lorelai: Never.
Kirk: Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that, so-
Lorelai: Constantly. I never stop slipping even when I get out.
Kirk: I thought so. Then my new line of bath and shower adhesive decals are for you.
Lorelai: Huh. "Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow."
Kirk: Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
Lorelai: Well, Kirk this looks very impressive. And wow, very expensive.
Kirk: Well, it's yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
Lorelai: Hmm. Well, why don't you leave the catalog with me and I'll look it over?
Kirk: Could you look at it now? It's the only one I have.
Lorelai: Okay.
Kirk: I like that one. If you put the fishes faces together it looks like they're kissing.

Luke: And these are real?
Kirk: Yes, they are.
Luke: I mean, real diamonds, not "they exist" real?
Kirk: Diamond and platinum. I have a certificate of authenticity for every one of these babies.
Luke: Kirk, where'd you get all these rings?
Kirk: I befriend really old women.
Luke: Excuse me?
Kirk: Really old women need companionship, Luke. They are really old. Most people they know are dead. So when someone comes along and they're not dead, and they'll listen to their stories and care about their dosage, they are grateful.
Luke: Are you serious?
Kirk: Serious as a heart attack. Which is how I got that ring you're holding right now.

Kirk: Actually, I have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.
Luke: What are you talking about, Kirk?
Kirk: Well, Lorelai proposing to you like that, stealing your thunder. It's got to be embarrassing, and a little upsetting. Now you'll never have that moment. You don't get to be the romantic one, the one to sweep her off her feet. That's got to hurt.
Luke: I'm fine, Kirk.
Kirk: Well, sure, what else are you going to say? You know, I've been getting pretty close to proposing to Lulu myself, and when I heard what happened to you, it really freaked me out. I mean, if Lorelai can just spring it on you like that, what's to stop Lulu from springing it on me?
Luke: Your creepy friendships with really old women might do the trick.
Kirk: Well, I've been avoiding her for two days. Hanging up on her really quickly when she calls. She may be mad, but there's no way she's going to rob me of my moment.

Kirk: Well, you can choose any of three historically anchored street names that pre-dated Sores and Boils Alley. It's a generous proposal.
Lorelai: Let's hear them.
Kirk: The first one is Constabulary Road.
Lorelai: Constabulary Road.
Kirk: It's a very nice name. Classic. Very evocative of old-time Stars Hollow.
Lorelai: Yes, it's very nice, but Kirk, that's the exact name of Esther Wilkins' Street. I mean, the exact name. It's taken.
Kirk: I know. Apparently, at one time, there were several streets named Constabulary Road in Stars Hollow.
Lorelai: Yeah, that would be incredibly confusing.
Kirk: Oh, it would be a disaster. It was back then, too. Mail was mis-delivered. Soldiers lost their way. It completely disoriented senior citizens. There was rioting, chaos, death. Everyone hated it.

Lorelai: You took me off the map?!
Kirk: All cartographical decisions are strictly the province of the director of tourism.
Lorelai: You and I talked about the street names only this morning. How could the Dragonfly already be off the map?
Kirk: You know the saying: cross the don in the morning, sleep with the fishes in the afternoon. Plus, Taylor has one of those fast laser printers.