TV Quotes

Kirk: How often do you slip in your tub?
Lorelai: Never.
Kirk: Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that, so-
Lorelai: Constantly. I never stop slipping even when I get out.
Kirk: I thought so. Then my new line of bath and shower adhesive decals are for you.
Lorelai: Huh. "Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow."
Kirk: Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
Lorelai: Well, Kirk this looks very impressive. And wow, very expensive.
Kirk: Well, it's yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
Lorelai: Hmm. Well, why don't you leave the catalog with me and I'll look it over?
Kirk: Could you look at it now? It's the only one I have.
Lorelai: Okay.
Kirk: I like that one. If you put the fishes faces together it looks like they're kissing.

Miss Patty: Oh, listen, I want to invite you to my anniversary party.
Lorelai: Absolutely. Which husband?
Miss Patty: Oh, no husband, honey, I'm talking about a lover that's been far more loyal and seductive than a husband. I'm talking about that business we call show. Forty years.
Lorelai: No!
Miss Patty: Forty years ago today, I did my first play, off Broadway.
Lorelai: Off Broadway?
Miss Patty: Cleveland.
Lorelai: That is off Broadway.
Miss Patty: Anyhow, I thought I'd throw a big party. Food, booze, a little song, a little dance, a little salsa down your pants.
Lorelai: Well, count me and my pants in.

Lorelai: I will even drag Luke there. So if there's any audience participation, please pick on him.
Miss Patty: Oh, Luke won't come.
Lorelai: Sure he will, I have very effective methods of persuasion. They include extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products.

Hanlin Charleston: [on the phone] I'm very glad to talk to you again, Miss Gilmore. Yale certainly sounds like it's agreeing with you. I hope it will also agree with Miss Fairchild.
Rory: Like Sabrina.
Hanlin Charleston: I beg your pardon?
Lorelai: Sabrina Fairchild, that was her name.
Hanlin Charleston: Have we segued into discussing a movie?
Rory: And we can segue right out again.
Hanlin Charleston: I'm very grateful for that.

Richard: Well, have you thought about what kinds of things you'd like to show her?
Rory: Well, she'll go to all of my classes with me, of course. And then I thought she'd got to the paper with me and then I thought maybe a trip to the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript library.
Richard: Oh, you're going to show her the Gutenberg.
Lorelai: Steve?
Richard: Bible.
Lorelai: Right.

Lorelai: In my hand, ladies and gentlemen, sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner. I am never more than ten feet away from pie.
Luke: Ah, see, I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat.
Lorelai: Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.
Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.

Lorelai: Miss Patty is celebrating her forty year anniversary.
Luke: Which husband?
Lorelai: With the business we call show.
Luke: Oh, him.
Lorelai: And she's having a big party and I told her we'd go.
Luke: Oh, man.
Lorelai: It'll be fun.
Luke: It will not be fun.
Lorelai: She'll be wearing tap shoes, and there'll be songs and punch and at least one story about Milton Berle's penis.
Luke: Only one?

Paris: Any girl under the age of seventeen is the enemy.
Rory: Okay, I'm opening a window now.
Paris: They're coming for everything. They're going to take our jobs, our thunder, our starter husbands.
Rory: Don't you have a class to get to?
Paris: They're coming, Rory. They're coming, and they are going to keep on coming. Like the locusts descending on Mankato. We'll be beating them off for the rest of our lives.
Rory: Please don't be here when she arrives, I don't want you to scare her off.
Paris: Me? Scare her off? Please. She's the one with the alabaster skin and the perky breasts.
Rory: Do not say "perky breasts" to her, do you understand me?
Paris: Eve Harrington has arrived.

Lorelai: [on the phone] Question. Have you ever heard anything about Luke's "dark day"?
Rory: His what?
Lorelai: Well, one day a year he apparently has a "dark day". No one knows where he goes or what he does, he just disappears.
Rory: I've heard nothing about this.
Lorelai: Okay, well, did we see him on November 30th last year? How am I supposed to know? Because, you keep all those crazy anal Bob Graham kind of notebooks. "Eight a.m., got up. Eight fifteen, brushed teeth. Eight twenty-five, had impure thoughts. Eight thirty-six, sent dwarves off to work."
Rory: I do not have my diaries from last November on me at the moment.
Lorelai: But you do have them.
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: And they will contain where we ate breakfast that morning.
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: I love my little circus freak.

Lorelai: Oh, hey, Kirk. Do you know anything about Luke's dark day?
Kirk: Everyone knows about Luke's dark day.
Lorelai: Do you know what it is?
Kirk: Not the details, just that he has it once a year. I think it goes back a long, long time.
Lorelai: Yeah?
Kirk: Sure, I mean, Luke's always had a touch of darkness in him. I guess we all do, but Luke's a little more touched than some. He's kind of grabbed, actually.
Lorelai: What do you think it's about?
Kirk: When I was in seventh grade, Luke knocked the books out of my hands.
Lorelai: Because of his dark day?
Kirk: No, everyone knocked my books out of my hands. I was kind of a target. I used to wear a cape to school.