Kirk: How often do you slip in your tub?
Lorelai: Never.
Kirk: Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that, so-
Lorelai: Constantly. I never stop slipping even when I get out.
Kirk: I thought so. Then my new line of bath and shower adhesive decals are for you.
Lorelai: Huh. "Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow."
Kirk: Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
Lorelai: Well, Kirk this looks very impressive. And wow, very expensive.
Kirk: Well, it's yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
Lorelai: Hmm. Well, why don't you leave the catalog with me and I'll look it over?
Kirk: Could you look at it now? It's the only one I have.
Lorelai: Okay.
Kirk: I like that one. If you put the fishes faces together it looks like they're kissing.

Jack: I'm Jack.
Paris: Paris.
Jack: Parents travel a lot?
Paris: Why?
Jack: Your name is Paris.
Paris: No. Did your parents change flat tires a lot?
Jack: What?
Paris: Or plug the phone into the wall a lot?
Jack: No.
Paris: Great. So we've cleared up that mystery. What's next on your fascinating list of talking points?
Jack: Uh... What's your major?
Paris: Seriously? You've got one minute to make an impression and that's all you can come up with? You want to know my sign, too, Jack? Or how about my favorite color or if I'm a "Britney" or a "Christina"? Here, I'll ask you a question. Was the last time you had an interesting thought when you considered flinging yourself off a building? [timer dings] Bye, Jack. I'll write mother immediately.

Miss Patty: Oh, listen, I want to invite you to my anniversary party.
Lorelai: Absolutely. Which husband?
Miss Patty: Oh, no husband, honey, I'm talking about a lover that's been far more loyal and seductive than a husband. I'm talking about that business we call show. Forty years.
Lorelai: No!
Miss Patty: Forty years ago today, I did my first play, off Broadway.
Lorelai: Off Broadway?
Miss Patty: Cleveland.
Lorelai: That is off Broadway.
Miss Patty: Anyhow, I thought I'd throw a big party. Food, booze, a little song, a little dance, a little salsa down your pants.
Lorelai: Well, count me and my pants in.

Lorelai: I will even drag Luke there. So if there's any audience participation, please pick on him.
Miss Patty: Oh, Luke won't come.
Lorelai: Sure he will, I have very effective methods of persuasion. They include extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products.

Hanlin Charleston: [on the phone] I'm very glad to talk to you again, Miss Gilmore. Yale certainly sounds like it's agreeing with you. I hope it will also agree with Miss Fairchild.
Rory: Like Sabrina.
Hanlin Charleston: I beg your pardon?
Lorelai: Sabrina Fairchild, that was her name.
Hanlin Charleston: Have we segued into discussing a movie?
Rory: And we can segue right out again.
Hanlin Charleston: I'm very grateful for that.

Richard: Well, have you thought about what kinds of things you'd like to show her?
Rory: Well, she'll go to all of my classes with me, of course. And then I thought she'd got to the paper with me and then I thought maybe a trip to the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript library.
Richard: Oh, you're going to show her the Gutenberg.
Lorelai: Steve?
Richard: Bible.
Lorelai: Right.

Lorelai: In my hand, ladies and gentlemen, sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner. I am never more than ten feet away from pie.
Luke: Ah, see, I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat.
Lorelai: Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.
Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.

Lorelai: Miss Patty is celebrating her forty year anniversary.
Luke: Which husband?
Lorelai: With the business we call show.
Luke: Oh, him.
Lorelai: And she's having a big party and I told her we'd go.
Luke: Oh, man.
Lorelai: It'll be fun.
Luke: It will not be fun.
Lorelai: She'll be wearing tap shoes, and there'll be songs and punch and at least one story about Milton Berle's penis.
Luke: Only one?

Paris: Any girl under the age of seventeen is the enemy.
Rory: Okay, I'm opening a window now.
Paris: They're coming for everything. They're going to take our jobs, our thunder, our starter husbands.
Rory: Don't you have a class to get to?
Paris: They're coming, Rory. They're coming, and they are going to keep on coming. Like the locusts descending on Mankato. We'll be beating them off for the rest of our lives.
Rory: Please don't be here when she arrives, I don't want you to scare her off.
Paris: Me? Scare her off? Please. She's the one with the alabaster skin and the perky breasts.
Rory: Do not say "perky breasts" to her, do you understand me?
Paris: Eve Harrington has arrived.

Lorelai: [on the phone] Question. Have you ever heard anything about Luke's "dark day"?
Rory: His what?
Lorelai: Well, one day a year he apparently has a "dark day". No one knows where he goes or what he does, he just disappears.
Rory: I've heard nothing about this.
Lorelai: Okay, well, did we see him on November 30th last year? How am I supposed to know? Because, you keep all those crazy anal Bob Graham kind of notebooks. "Eight a.m., got up. Eight fifteen, brushed teeth. Eight twenty-five, had impure thoughts. Eight thirty-six, sent dwarves off to work."
Rory: I do not have my diaries from last November on me at the moment.
Lorelai: But you do have them.
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: And they will contain where we ate breakfast that morning.
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: I love my little circus freak.