Luke: What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Kirk: I was just getting some coffee.
Luke: You came behind my counter.
Kirk: I saw Lorelai do it the other day.
Luke: Lorelai is my fiancee.
Kirk: So only people you're sleeping with are allowed behind the counter?
Luke: Yes.
Kirk: Well, I don't really know you that well, Luke. I mean, I know what you do for a living, and I know you're a Scorpio, and you smell okay, but we've never really connected on a deeper level.
Luke: Get out from behind my counter, Kirk.
Kirk: Well, now it's a definite no.

Lorelai: Kirk, I promise this booth will be a big hit. It will not embarrass you, okay? I promise.
Kirk: Your promise means nothing to me. You break them all the time.
Lorelai: [gasps] I do not.
Kirk: 1997, you promised to bring me back a souvenir pen and ink set from your trip to colonial Williamsburg.
Lorelai: I did?
Kirk: 1999, you promised to put in a good word for me at Al's Pancake World when Al had that batter boy opening.
Lorelai: He calls them "batter boys"?
Kirk: Year 2000, you promised to teach me to swim. I still don't know how to swim. What if there's a tsunami?
Lorelai: Well...
Kirk: 2001, you promised to come to my birthday party, and I waited and waited...

Lorelai: What are you doing, Kirk?
Kirk: Did you just eat a 3 Musketeers?
Lorelai: No.
Kirk: You're sure? You really smell like nougat.
Luke: Stop sniffing my fiancee.
Kirk: I can't help it. My senses are much more finely tuned these days.
Lorelai: What is the scary man talking about?
Luke: He's on a juice fast.
Lorelai: Why?
Kirk: Just wanted to clean out the pipes, refocus the arteries. I want to get the healthy glow of someone who consistently goes to the gym. Without having to go to the gym, of course.

Kirk: [into headset] Look, Mrs. Kingston, Kirk will not rest until you are satisfied. Your demands are Kirk's demands. Your needs are Kirk's needs. Kirk is here for you.
Lorelai: Uh, Kirk?
Kirk: [into headset] Kirk appreciates that, Mrs. Kingston. We'll talk soon.
Lorelai: What are you doing here?
Kirk: Trying to bag a whale. Kirk's in the real estate game now.
Lorelai: Stop doing that.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Referring to yourself as Kirk.
Kirk: But that's Kirk's thing. Every realtor needs a thing. This is Kirk's thing.

Kirk: Sure you don't want to reconsider my offer? I've got a hairnet on me, so I can start immediately.
Luke: Offer declined.

Kirk: Mask!
Lorelai: What?
Kirk: Mask. I've done it, Lorelai. I finally landed my first listing.
Lorelai: Where are my parents?
Kirk: This is the beginning of my rise to the top of the real-estate industry.
Lorelai: Where are my parents?
Kirk: Do you happen to be in the market for a house? 'Cause this baby's a honey.
Lorelai: Something in the corner just moved.
Kirk: Just a rat. I'd have told you about them before you bought the place. The law also requires me to inform you that the house has toxic mold, asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors, a crumbling foundation, visible fungus, a collapsed fireplace, ceiling damage, water damage, and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention and a particularly grisly murder/suicide. Nothing we can't work with.

Lorelai: I'm not in the market, Kirk. Now, listen, I know my parents are shopping for houses. Lane saw you with them. And I need to know where they are right now.
Kirk: I'm sorry. That's confidential information. In fact, the fact that I was with them was confidential. So I'm gonna have to ask you to pretend that I haven't already confirmed that I was with them, which I wasn't.
Lorelai: [gasps] God, what was that?
Kirk: Bat. Don't worry. When you spray for cockroaches, the bats die, too, usually. At the very least, it knocks the wind out of them so they wind up wobbling on the floor, so you can just whack them with a hammer. Nothing we can't work with.
Lorelai: Kirk, I am your friend, but they are my parents, and I need to find them right now. It's important.
Kirk: Well, I shouldn't tell you this, but I know they were looking at two properties on Maple Drive. They're probably around there right now. Too bad I couldn't get them interested in this property. It has great bones. Literally. There's an Indian burial ground underneath it.
Lorelai: Thanks. See ya.
Kirk: Don't run. It scares the bat.

Kirk: I have a theory, Taylor.
Taylor Doose: Let's hear it.
Kirk: Our usual town troubadour, he was discovered last week on these very streets.
Taylor Doose: Discovered?
Kirk: Some big-time music manager was limo-ing through town, and he caught one of the troubadour's songs, gave him an opening slot on Neil Young's tour.
Taylor Doose: Who's Neil Young?
Kirk: One of the Monkees. Anyway, I'm guessing when word hit the east coast troubadour community, every one of them thought to come to Stars Hollow for their shot at the big time.
Taylor Doose: There's an east coast troubadour community?
Kirk: Oh, yes, our wandering musical storytellers. It's an honored American tradition going back to the puritans. Gierke Schoonhoven delighted his fellow pilgrims with his timely songs. His most popular was "A Beaver Ate my Thumb." It was quite catchy. I wonder if Neil still does "Last Train to Clarksville." I love that song.

Kirk: It's a diner, Luke.
Luke: A diner called Kirk's?
Kirk: It's the name my mother gave me. Top you off there, Jake?
Luke: Why are you doing this?
Kirk: I just saw a need, and I filled it. Seemed to me Stars Hollow was in want of a real neighborhood joint, a watering hole where the townsfolk could mingle, a place where a fella could come and get a piece of pie, a cup of arbuckles', and a soupcon of small-town charm.
Luke: Yeah, well, Stars Hollow has already got that place. It's right across the street. It's called Luke's. Luke's. Ring any bells? Sounds a little like Kirk's, doesn't it?
Kirk: Luke, if you are suggesting that you were the very first person to ever think of naming a restaurant after yourself, I think that Denny Arby, and Tony Roma might have something to say about that, not to mention Mr. Chuck E. Cheese.
Luke: Chuck E. Cheese? Chuck E. Cheese is not a person.
Kirk: Luke, do you think a giant mouse opened a national restaurant franchise by himself?

Kirk: Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense. I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other, but I figured it was a friendly competition I could work to my advantage, you know? When you've got two women making you sherry cobbler, you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler.
Luke: Basic capitalism.
Kirk: That's not how they see it. Oh, no. Apparently, it's Mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler. I've got to choose.
Luke: Are you gonna order something?
Kirk: I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get? Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel.
Luke: Hip?
Kirk: But Mom would say a growing boy needs something more substantial, like pancakes.
Luke: Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want?
Kirk: I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes... It's like their voices are blocking out my voice, and I don't know what I think anymore. I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess.
Luke: Yeah, what kind of bagel?
Kirk: Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know, 'cause of all the kissing... And Mom would freak over the poppy seed 'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug.
Luke: What about... [a waiter returns a bagel to Luke] egg? Egg, it is.