Emily: I did not force Jimmy Carter out of his room at that hotel.
Lorelai: See, now that I thought was just an amusing anecdote.
Emily: I did not get into a, quote, "bitch-fight" with him. He's an ex-president! It was with that insufferable Rosalyn.

Lorelai: This is my car.
Emily: We can't go in this. We have to take the other car.
Lorelai: What other car? No, Mom, that's not a car. That's a rap-video set.
Emily: I ordered it specially. It has the darkest windows available. They say it's the car Jay-Z uses when he's in town. I assume that's an entertainer of some sort. The windows are bulletproof. They kept saying that as if it's a selling point. I told them I was not paying extra for bulletproof windows. I haven't been strafed in years.

Emily: It's like a canoe.
Lorelai: What's like a canoe?
Emily: Life.
Lorelai: Okay.
Emily: You're just paddling along in a canoe.
Lorelai: Mother, have you ever been in a canoe?
Emily: Lorelai.
Lorelai: Well, I just can't picture you in a canoe.
Emily: Your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years. Only now, he's dropped the paddle. He just dropped it. Not only that, but now the canoe is going in circles. Without your father there, I'm paddling on my side and the canoe is spinning in circles, and the harder I paddle, the faster it spins, and it's hard work, and I'm getting tired.

Lorelai: Yeah, the stores you normally have to go to, they're on the internet now.
Emily: But going to a nice store is half the fun of shopping. I like being greeted at the door and the bustle of people and the shoes and clothes all lined up nice and pretty.
Lorelai: That's true.
Rory: Yeah, we like that, too.
Emily: Having someone help you pick out the right thing or help you exchange it if it's not right. With the internet, what do you do? Mail it back?
Lorelai: We usually just forget.
Rory: Yeah.
Emily: So you're just out the money?
Rory: Pretty much.
Emily: I don't get it.

Emily: Diners are generally so filthy. I'm sure yours isn't, but the horror stories you hear. I read that one in Vermont got caught serving roadkill. Do you know what that is?
Luke: Uh, yeah, it's, uh, dead animals from the street.
Emily: From the street, from the backyard, fished out of pools. These diners find it and serve it. Again, probably not yours. But the fact that this place got away with it at all is astounding. I guess people who frequent diners don't look too closely at what they're eating out of self defense.
Luke: We don't serve roadkill at my place.
Emily: Well, good for you. I had a friend who ate at a diner once and the next day she dropped dead. Her family considered suing the place but there's nothing to get from these people. A couple of stools and a toaster. But they were sure it was a matter of hygiene and they eventually drove them out of the state. I don't want to tell you what they found when they moved the stove. Would you like another beer, Luke?

Police Officer: You were on a cellphone, ma'am.
Emily: I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office?
Police Officer: It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cellphone while operating a vehicle.
Emily: Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car?
Police Officer: License and registration, ma'am.
Emily: If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive, I can talk on a cellphone. Or is coffee illegal, too? Can I listen to the radio? Can I open the glove compartment? Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose. That would certainly cut down on accidents.
Police Officer: Ma'am, have you been drinking?
Emily: What? No! This is outrageous. You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwik-e-mart, and you're standing there harassing me.
Police Officer: I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me.
Emily: Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.

Lorelai: I'm just saying it's a cliche.
Emily: What is?
Lorelai: Hospital food being bad.
Emily: Exactly.
Lorelai: What?
Emily: It's a cliche for a reason. Cliches are true things that people are tired of being true. Like, "a penny saved is a penny earned." Well it is, invested wisely.
Lorelai: I don't think that's a cliche, mom.
Emily: What do you mean? Of course it's a cliche.
Lorelai: It's not a cliche. That's more an overused saying, like "I'm sweating bullets" or "it's as cold as ice."
Emily: Well, some overused sayings are true, like "children should be seen and not heard."
Lorelai: "Mother knows best."
Emily: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Lorelai: Well, see, we didn't actually have a big use for the crystal candlesticks. So I kind of... exchanged them.
Emily: For what?
Lorelai: A monkey lamp.
Emily: Pardon me?
Lorelai: It's a lamp with a bunch of monkeys on it.
Emily: Baccarat crystal candlesticks for a monkey lamp?
Lorelai: They're really, really happy monkeys, Mom.
Emily: Where is this lamp? I want to see it.
Lorelai: It's right there on the desk.
Emily: Oh, my God! They're holding coconuts and leering.
Lorelai: It's funny.
Emily: You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you? This is not just about the bad greeting of returning a gift. This goes to the very heart of the question of taste. You were given something of substance, and you cast it off for a ridiculous, slightly sinister barroom decoration? Explain this to me, Lorelai.
Lorelai: My back hurts.

Emily: Well, your father calls every night at nine o'clock and we talk.
Lorelai: So, you spend fifteen minutes talking to Dad and then you hang up the phone and you... what? Watch television?
Emily: I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world.
Lorelai: But you have cable, right? I mean, you could watch movies.
Emily: Yes, but I never know where the maid puts that guide they send you, so I always wind up turning it on after a movie has already started and I don't like to come in on the middle of things.
Lorelai: But you could tape the movies, or get a DVD player.
Emily: I don't need a DVD player.
Lorelai: Well, why not? Then you could buy all those musicals you love and watch them whenever you felt like it.
Emily: I'm not an invalid, Lorelai.

Lorelai: What are you doing here, Mother?
Emily: I told you, I came to put in a good word for Rory.
Lorelai: Well, she didn't need a good word.
Emily: I'm not allowed here, is that it?
Lorelai: I didn't say that.
Emily: I'm allowed to pay for it, but I can't set foot on the premises. I just want to get the rules straight.
Lorelai: Oh, boy.
Emily: How about driving down the street?
Lorelai: Forget it.
Emily: Maybe I should avoid this neighborhood altogether. Though my doctor is just down the block. Maybe I can get special permission if I'm bleeding from the head.