Kirk: Oh, I can tell you what they're saying.
Lorelai: How?
Kirk: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going at the same time. Okay, she just said, "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."
Lorelai: Kirk, that doesn't make any sense.
Kirk: Must mean they're on to us and they've switched to some sort of code.
Lorelai: I don't think they're speaking in code.
Kirk: Oh, I think Luke's heading back. He just got up and said, "Feel your taters."
Lorelai: Is it possible he said, "I'll see you later?"
Kirk: No, I'm pretty sure about this one.

Kirk: I took it upon myself to poll the town, and I think you're gonna be pretty happy with the results.
Sookie: We are?
Kirk: Jackson is solidly in the lead.
Sookie: Already?
Lorelai: We just started bugging people.
Kirk: Well, I modeled my poll after the Gallup poll. The Gallup poll uses a sample of 1,005 voters to represent the 280 million people of the United States. Using that logic, the correct sampling size of the town of Stars Hollow would be 0.002. Rounding that up means one person needs to be polled, so I picked me.
Lorelai: You polled yourself?
Kirk: I was right there. Seemed like a perfect opportunity.

Lorelai: Kirk, what are you doing here?
Kirk: Staff meeting.
Lorelai: You don't work here.
Kirk: I thought I might like to go into hotel management someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn.
Lorelai: Oh, Kirk, you can't just crash a staff meeting.
Kirk: [writes] Outsiders cannot crash staff meetings. I'm learning so much.

Kirk: Sally Forth is on fire today. On fire!
Luke: Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!
Kirk: What? I don't have a quarter of a million dollars.
Luke: You don't?
Kirk: No. Just shy. It's $247,868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.
Luke: Where the hell did you get that much money?
Kirk: I've been working for eleven years, Luke. I've had fifteen thousand jobs. I've saved every dollar I've ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I don't want to brag.

Kirk: Luke, check it out. I've been published.
Luke: You have?
Kirk: Mother wanted to sell her dinette set, so I put pen to paper, got my creative juices flowing, and voila.
Luke: You put a want ad in the Stars Hollow Gazette?
Kirk: It's a powerful feeling seeing yourself immortalized in print. Sure, it's only newsprint. It rips easily, it comes off on your fingers, and the next day, people use it to wrap fish, but, hey, it's how Dickens got started.
Luke: In want ads?
Kirk: Man, this thing really flows. "Vintage dinette set, formica, barely chipped, priced to move." It's precise, efficient, Hemingwayesque in its terse simplicity. Hey, with two buns in the oven, you wouldn't be interested in a dinette set, would you? Seats four.
Zach: No, thanks, man.

Lorelai: Oh, hey, Kirk. Doing your holiday shopping?
Kirk: Well, shopping, yes, and it is a holiday, but my shopping isn't holiday related, so technically no.

Kirk: Good morning, ladies. May I interest you in a shirt?
Lorelai: Oh, Kirk. You're not selling your laundry again, are ya?
Kirk: No, these are part of my latest money-making endeavor. I'm going to print daily T-shirts featuring a humorous topical headline of something I witness around town.
Rory: Neat.
Kirk: I got the idea when I read about something a man was doing in Portland.
Rory: What was he doing?
Kirk: He was printing daily T-shirts featuring a humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town.

Lorelai: You find any mold?
Kirk: You mean, did I find any silent death? Not so far, no.
Lorelai: Good.
Kirk: I did tell you about the dangers of mold, right? And Ed McMahon's dog?
Lorelai: Yes, you did.
Kirk: Suffered memory loss due to mold infestation. Forgot how to sit.
Lorelai: Yes, it was horrible.
Kirk: It's a growth industry right now, pardon the pun. Mold is money. I just wish I wasn't so scared of finding it.
Lorelai: Well, don't look too hard then.
Kirk: Thanks.

Kirk: I have a thought.
Taylor Doose: Go ahead, Kirk.
Kirk: A controlled hunt.
Babette: Guns?
Kirk: Not guns, wolves.
Luke: What?
Kirk: You release a pack of wolves, they eat the deer, problem solved. Of course, then you'll have to deal with your wolf problem.

Kirk: You would fold?
Taylor Doose: What was that, Kirk?
Kirk: You would fold due simply to hardship?
Taylor Doose: Not now, Kirk. Keep everything where it is, guys. No reason to unload it just to load it again.
Kirk: Would you follow blind guides which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel?
Miss Patty: Oh, that's your blood sugar talking, sweetie. Eat a candy bar.
Kirk: This is but a crisis of faith.
Taylor Doose: I said not now, Kirk.
Miss Patty: Let him talk. What's the harm?
Kirk: When the road to your destination is revealed to be long and dusty, is your destination's value so diminished?
Taylor Doose: Well, I suppose not, but still-
Kirk: If a storm mars your camp for the night, is it wise to search for high ground or hold your camp 'til the light of new day?
Miss Patty: Well, it's something to think about.
Kirk: A crisis of faith can be delivered, but one must believe to be delivered.