Luke: You were never supposed to tip me, anyway.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: I'm the proprietor. You're not supposed to tip the proprietor, even when they serve you.
Lorelai: You mean all those years, that extra 20% was unnecessary?
Luke: You never tipped me 20%.
Lorelai: Ooh. Now it's getting ugly.
Luke: You were a solid 15 percenter, sometimes less if the bill got higher. Way less if you were mad at me about something.
Lorelai: Well, it doesn't matter. I wasn't supposed to be tipping you, anyway.

Lorelai: [on the phone] Why didn't you mention this to Mom at dinner? Maybe she would have been less panicked about what he's doing and the now-infamous glitter vest.
Rory: I don't want to open a can of worms.
Lorelai: How would that open up a can of worms?
Rory: If I told her what I said, I'd have to tell her I had lunch with him, a lunch I had previously not informed her of and that would have made her jealous and defensive. The less you tell Grandma, the better.
Lorelai: [gasps] By George, I think she's got it.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I have been trying to burn that into your brain since you were a baby, but you stubbornly resisted. Now a breakthrough.

Richard: I'm sorry about the mess. My man is with his sick mother, and I'm kind of left in the lurch here.
Lorelai: Ah, your Lurch left you in the lurch. Hey, is that where that's from? You know, Lurch on the Addams Family? 'Cause he would leave people in the lurch?
Lorelai: I'm not familiar with the etymology of Lurch.

Kirk: How are we all doing tonight?
Lorelai: Good, Kirk. How are you?
Kirk: Good, I'm Kirk. I'm very proud to announce that tonight's feature presentation is the classic Cool Hand Luke. [Lorelai & Rory cheer] But I'm deeply sorry to report that the first reel of the movie inexplicably caught fire earlier this evening.
Rory: Oh, no!
Lorelai: That's what happens when Richard Pryor is your projectionist.
Kirk: I can still show you the film, but you'd miss the first 25 minutes. I'd be happy to recap what you'd miss, or even act it out for you. I must say, I do a wicked George Kennedy.

Richard: So, been reading anything good lately?
Rory: I'm very into P.G. Wodehouse right now.
Richard: Oh, that's great.
Rory: You?
Richard: Actually, I've had a personal triumph of late.
Rory: Oh, yeah? What?
Richard: I've just finished the sixth and final volume of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
Rory: That is a triumph.
Richard: I started it in 1968. So it took only - what? - 36 years to finish it. But by God, I finished it.

Lorelai: Ooh! What the hell is that?
Emily: What does it look like? It's a panic room.
Lorelai: Like Jodie Foster?
Emily: I have no idea.

Luke: Here we go. Boysenberry pie with ice cream. Hot fudge sundae. Half a grapefruit.
Rory: I don't want a grapefruit.
Luke: It's good for you.
Rory: Kinda my point.
Luke: It's too late for her, but not for you. Eat it.

Emily: [on the phone] Are you ready?
Lorelai: Pen is poised.
Emily: 1, 1, 1, 1... 1, 1.
Lorelai: Is that the code it came with?
Emily: Well, I don't know how to change it. The men were supposed to show me, and now it's the code I'm stuck with. Did you write it down?
Lorelai: Barring an aneurysm, I think I'll remember it.
Emily: Well, factor in an aneurysm and write it down. This is important.

Rory: Hi, Grandma. So... Hey, what's that?
Lorelai: I know how to protect you from shrapnel and Agent Orange. Ask me how.
Emily: It's a panic room.
Rory: Like Jodie Foster?
Emily: What does Jodie Foster have to do with this?

Lorelai: It's getting the word out to the business community that we're here, that's the key.
Sookie: We've got to draw them in with the things that they like, amenities.
Lorelai: What does a businessman want when they travel?
Sookie: Booze.
Lorelai: And hookers. Anything else?
Sookie: I think that covers it.
Lorelai: We got booze. How do we get hookers?
Sookie: How about a banner up front that reads "Hoes up at the Dragonfly"?
Lorelai: Or we tell them Bill Maher's here.
Sookie: [gasps] They'd come a-flocking.