Jess: So, where do you want to go?
Rory: I don't know. I don't know the area that well.
Jess: You live here.
Rory: I know, but Hartford's still a mystery. Even when I went to Chilton, I got right on the bus and headed home. So I don't even have any old high school hangouts to revisit. And these days, I've just been eating here.
Jess: Well, I just prefer not going someplace that has food in the title.
Rory: Meaning...
Jess: Olive, chili, soup. No gardens. No plantations.

Rory: I'm gonna be a journalist.
Jess: Paula Zahn?
Rory: Christiane Amanpour.
Jess: You're going to be an overseas correspondent?
Rory: Yes, I am.
Jess: You're gonna crawl around in trenches and stand on top of buildings and have bombs going off in the background and civil wars raging all around you?
Rory: What? You don't think I can do it?
Jess: No, I do. It just sounds a little too-
Rory: A little what?
Jess: Just sounds a little too rough for you.
Rory: Well, it's not a little too rough for me. I hope it's not a little too rough for me. I've been talking about this forever. I mean, I don't even know what I would do if-
Jess: Hey, I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll do it. You will. I promise. I'll help you practice, okay? Tomorrow, you'll stand in the middle of the street, and I'll drive at you screaming in a foreign language.
Rory: Well, you're gonna have to learn a foreign language first.

Jess: Does she know what I look like?
Rory: I don't think so.
Jess: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don't kiss him goodnight.
Rory: That's not going to work.
Jess: Andy Warhol did it all the time.

Luke: Look, you're my responsibility. You're exhibiting signs of violent behavior and I don't care how much you don't wanna talk about it, you're not leaving until you tell me. Now, tell me, where'd you get the black eye?
Jess: You wouldn't believe it anyway.
Luke: Try me, tough guy.
Jess: A swan.
Luke: Excuse me?
Jess: I was attacked by a swan. Okay, you happy? A stupid swan.
Luke: [clears throat] Now, how 'bout the real story?
Jess: That is the real story. It hangs out by Larson's Dock. I was just walking by and the thing came out of nowhere and bam, beaked me right in the eye.
Luke: It beaked you?
Jess: You still don't believe me.
Luke: I just never heard anyone use the word beaked as a verb before. [chuckles]
Jess: No, no, this isn't funny. That stupid bird attacked me. He could've blinded me. It's a vicious, vicious bird, and... fine. Forget it.

Jess: And I didn't think you'd believe it if I didn't show it to you in person.
Rory: Well, color me curious. A book. The Subsect. Written by Jess Mariano.
Jess: It's no misprint.
Rory: You wrote a book?
Jess: A short novel.
Rory: You wrote a book?!
Jess: Through a fluke, I got it to these guys that have a small press, and they read it. I don't know if they were high or something, but they decide to publish it.
Rory: You wrote a book.
Jess: There's no money in it. They only printed like 500 of them. Believe me, I'm not quitting my day job.

Jess: So, you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh?
Lorelai: What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.
Jess: My mistake.
Lorelai: So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?
Jess: No one's a healthy eater like Luke. Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke.
Lorelai: Wow, it's been ages since I heard a good Euell Gibbons reference.
Jess: Many parts of the pine tree are edible.
Lorelai: That's right. God, I wonder what the research process was like to get that information.
Jess: I'd say fairly painful.

Jess: You didn't answer me.
Rory: About what?
Jess: Did you call me at all?
Rory: No.
Jess: Did you send me a letter?
Rory: No.
Jess: Postcard?
Rory: No.
Jess: Smoke signal?
Rory: Stop.
Jess: A nice fruit basket?
Rory: Enough!

Lorelai: I came up for a book.
Rory: A book?
Lorelai: Yeah.
Jess: Got a lot of books here. Anything in particular?
Rory: It's one of Luke's.
Jess: Well, if it doesn't have Encyclopedia Brown in the title, that narrows it down a lot.

Luke: Jess, we have to do something about this.
Jess: Like what?
Luke: I don't know. We have to say something.
Jess: Like what?
Luke: He's a grown man with an Etch-A-Sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard. Maybe he'll disappear.

Rory: God, how much food is in there? This could feed 12.
Jess: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
Rory: Fine, six.