Kirk: It's my first baby shower. I've been so caught up with the wardrobe question. Just to clarify, people don't actually dress like babies, do they?

Kirk: Word on the street is you want to sell your boat.
Luke: I called you, Kirk.
Kirk: Yeah, but I was on the street when I got that call. And to be honest with you, I was a little surprised to hear about this turn of events.
Luke: It's not a turn of events, Kirk. I just want to sell my boat.
Kirk: But you've always been really attached to this boat. Hell, I thought you'd take it to your grave with you, maybe row yourself across the river Styx.
Luke: Yeah, well, turns out I'm not using it. You interested?
Kirk: It does suit me. And it'd be great for water-skiing. Lulu loves water-skiing. She also loves carriage rides. You're not selling a carriage, are you?

Kirk: How much we talking?
Luke: $600.
Kirk: I was thinking more around $300.
Luke: Price isn't negotiable.
Kirk: Okay, $400.
Luke: Non-negotiable. $600 price includes everything, Kirk, even the trailer.
Kirk: $590.
Luke: $600, Kirk.
Kirk: $595, and you throw in a life preserver and a captain's hat.
Luke: $600, you buy your own captain's hat.
Kirk: But you'll throw in a life preserver?
Luke: Deal. Just have it out of here A.S.A.P.
Kirk: Sucker.

Miss Patty: It's so nice seeing you back in here.
Lorelai: Thanks.
Babette: Been a long time. What 9, 10 months?
Lorelai: Something like that.
Kirk: Actually, I can tell you exactly when Lorelai was in her last 'cause I marked it in my calendar. "May 22, 2006, stool available?" It's important to-
Luke: Enough, Kirk.

Taylor Doose: Onto the next order of business. Our esteemed friend and neighbor Kirk would like a permit to do his performance-art piece called "Kirk-in-a-box" in the town square.
Kirk: It isn't a performance-art piece. It is a feat of endurance an attempt to stretch the bounds of human possibility.
Miss Patty: And what exactly is "Kirk-in-a-box"?
Kirk: I will be suspended 20 feet above the street in a clear Lucite box with no food or water.
Lorelai: Oh, like David Blaine?
Kirk: Not at all. My box is smaller.
Babette: Why?
Kirk: Because Lucite is very costly.
Babette: No. Why are you doing it?
Kirk: To see if I can.

Kirk: Rory, in my official capacity as town sash presenter, I would like to present you with this sash, which I also happened to make in my official capacity as town sash maker.
Rory: Well, thank you.
Kirk: Kneel before me. [Rory stands still] All right, could you at least bow your head a little bit?
Lorelai: Wow, that's quite a sash.
Kirk: I got the material from one of mother's nighties.
Lorelai: Ew.

Kirk: Say, how can I have a career as a Poe?
Poe #2: It's not a career, this is just an event that we do. I write technical manuals for a living.
Kirk: Yes, but how can I have a career as a Poe?