Lorelai: There goes the fire chief, the police chief and the one paramedic with a valid license. I feel safe. Don't you?
Luke: Look at them. All relatively intelligent men but there they are, dressed up in costumes standing out in a snowstorm, and for what?
Lorelai: Because it's tradition.
Luke: Tradition is a trap that allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids didn't have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It's a freaking fairy tale. Things sucked then, too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.

Lorelai: I don't know what's wrong with me. This is a beautiful festival. People should be enjoying it.
Luke: It's a crazy festival based on a nutty myth about two lunatics who in all probability did not even exist. Even if they did, they probably dropped dead of diphtheria before age 24. The town of Stars Hollow probably got its name from the local dance hall prostitute. Two rich drunk guys who made up the story to make it look good on a poster.
Lorelai: You're full of hate and loathing, and I got to tell you I love it.
Luke: Oh, it's good to have someone to share this hate with.

Luke: Please, there is no fate.
Lorelai: What do you mean there is no fate? Of course there is fate.
Luke: There is no fate, there is no destiny, there is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing. You cannot read a palm. Tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis, and the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn.
Lorelai: I totally knew you were gonna say that.
Luke: I came over here. My fault.
Lorelai: I read your mind. It spoke to me. We're psychic.
Luke: Enjoy the fries.

Luke: What a lie it all is!
Lorelai: All what is?
Luke: Families. I mean, they're just messes. It's like this spilled drink that just keeps spilling, and ya gotta keep cleaning it up, and you scrub and you scrub and you just can't get the stain up! Show me a happy family, just one. I mean, didn't that Tolstoy-guy say something about families?
Lorelai: Probably.
Luke: It's a famous thing he said. It's like: "all families are unhappy" or, or, or "happy on the surface", or "unhappy in the same way".
Lorelai: Sounds a little incomplete.
Luke: Well, y'know, maybe he couldn't complete the thought because he was dealing with his stinkin' family.

Luke: And they have those flashlight thingies-
Lorelai: Yes, that's the right name for those flashlight thingies.
Luke: And Jedi powers of mind control, and they can move things, so they're telekinetic. And they hover on their jet saucers over molten lava, and they can jump and fly like they're in Cirque du Soleil.
Lorelai: Ah, coffee, please.
Luke: But what gives one Jedi knight the edge over the other, huh? The ultimate advantage. They stand on a mound of dirt and declare, "You can't win. I've got the high ground."
Lorelai: Dude, if he said it, that's the way it is. It's a fictional world.
Luke: He's four feet up a little slope. That wipes out the other guys' powers to fly, jump around, move things with his brain, use his flashlight thingy?
Lorelai: You've got to learn the right term for that flashlight thingy.

Lorelai: So, what do we do?
Luke: I'm gonna talk to T.J. But I'm gonna be smart about it, I'm not gonna spook him. I'm gonna be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ball game, invite him along. We'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're gonna eat. And then I'm gonna get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park, I'm gonna put a rope around his neck and pull it till he's dead!
Luke: Wait, wait. You're in the backseat?
Luke: That's for garroting, yes.
Lorelai: No, he's gonna smell something fishy if you hop in the backseat especially if you're driving.
Luke: No, he's not that bright. It'll work.
Lorelai: Why are you even buying the tickets? Just sneak up and garrote him on the street save the money.
Luke: I can still go to the game the other way. I'll take my friend Ed. He hasn't been to a game in ages.

Luke: This might be my least favorite door in the world to knock on.
Lorelai: What about death's door?
Luke: The reception on the other side might be warmer.

Luke: I've kept my father's entire store just the way he left it.
Emily: Really?
Luke: Well, I turned it into a diner. But I kept all his stuff on the walls, his pictures in the office. Even the "Hardware" sign.
Emily: I'm sure he would've appreciated having his life's work being honored like that.
Luke: He would have called me a damn fool.

Luke: It's Rachel's birthday. Don't say anything. She doesn't want anyone to know. She hates birthdays.
Lorelai: Not as much as she'll hate the potholders.
Luke: I don't know how to buy gifts. I don't like to buy gifts. I don't like getting gifts. I mean, this whole gift-giving-and-getting process is completely insane.
Lorelai: The rant begins.
Luke: I mean, suddenly, on a certain date the level of my affection for a person isn't measured by the way I treat them or what we share. [Lorelai yawns] Just because I didn't buy her furry slippers or a giant shoetree... all of a sudden, I suck.

Lorelai: Why don't you go to the mall, walk around a little.
Luke: No. No malls. I hate malls.
Lorelai: Rant number two.
Luke: They underpay employees and overprice merchandise. They contribute to urban sprawl. They encourage materialism. The parking's a horror. You drive in, you pay a buck. And even if you're only there for five...
Lorelai: Okay, Emma Goldman, I'll tell you what. I'll go for you.