Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Went to the store, Sat on Santa's lap, Asked him to bring my friends, All kinds of crap, Said all you need is, To write them a song, Now you haven't heard it yet, So don't try to sing along, No, don't sing along, Monica, Monica Have a happy Hannukah, Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross, And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy, And Rachel and Chandler, [indistinct] Happy holidays, everybody!

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas.
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Well, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted, coming all the way from Texas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the Southern states. And Mexico!

Joey: I can't believe it's Christmas already. You know, one day you're eating turkey, the next thing you know your Iords are a-leaping and geese are a-laying.
Chandler: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

Chandler: You know, I remember my father all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble and crash into something and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Oh, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?

Ross: Okay, Ben. Santa has to go. Say goodbye.
Ben: No, why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because if Santa and the Holiday ... Armadillo are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode! Merry Christmas!
Ben: No, why can't the armadillo leave? I want Santa.
Ross: Fine, I give up. Santa- Santa can stay!
Chandler: Well, I'll stay but only because I want to hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa.
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: You're welcome.
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees!-
Joey: Merry Christmas!

Monica: The basket is totally empty. Oh, my God, the neighbors ate all the candy.
Chandler: Well, either that or...
Monica: Joey!

Phoebe: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [singing] I made a man with eyes of coal, And a smile so bewitching, How was I supposed to know, That my mom was dead in the kitchen?

Phoebe: [singing] My mother's ashes, Even her eyelashes, Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's freezing, I feel a little sneezy, And now I-

Phoebe: So, guys, I'm doing all-new material tonight. I have 12 new songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.
Chandler: You might want to open with the snowman.

Chandler: What is going on?
Guy: We're waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy!
Joey: Yeah, lady, give us candy.