The One with All the Christmas Quotes
Enjoy quotes from the classic Christmas episodes of Friends.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Went to the store, Sat on Santa's lap, Asked him to bring my friends, All kinds of crap, Said all you need is, To write them a song, Now you haven't heard it yet, So don't try to sing along, No, don't sing along, Monica, Monica Have a happy Hannukah, Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross, And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy, And Rachel and Chandler, [indistinct]
Happy holidays, everybody!
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas.
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Well, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted, coming all the way from Texas.
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the Southern states. And Mexico!
Monica: The basket is totally empty. Oh, my God, the neighbors ate all the candy.
Chandler: Well, either that or...
Phoebe: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [singing] I made a man with eyes of coal, And a smile so bewitching, How was I supposed to know, That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
Joey: I can't believe it's Christmas already. You know, one day you're eating turkey, the next thing you know your Iords are a-leaping and geese are a-laying.
Chandler: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
Chandler: You know, I remember my father all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble and crash into something and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Oh, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?
Ross: Okay, Ben. Santa has to go. Say goodbye.
Ben: No, why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because if Santa and the Holiday ... Armadillo are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode! Merry Christmas!
Ben: No, why can't the armadillo leave? I want Santa.
Ross: Fine, I give up. Santa- Santa can stay!
Chandler: Well, I'll stay but only because I want to hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa.
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: You're welcome.
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees!-
Joey: Merry Christmas!
Phoebe: [singing] My mother's ashes, Even her eyelashes, Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's freezing, I feel a little sneezy, And now I-
Ross: So, Ben, you know what holiday is coming up?
Ross: Yeah, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas Eve.
Ross: Yes, but also ... Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly.
Ross: Right, but on Hanukkah- Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben: [singing] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells-
Ross: Okay, that's right. Yes, but on Hanukkah, we sing: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. I made you out of clay.
Ben: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer-
Ross: Okay, it's not a contest.
Phoebe: Nobody respects the bucket. You wouldn't believe what people put in here. Does this look like a garbage can to you?
Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray?
Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal?
Phoebe: He sprang to his sleigh, To his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew, Like the down of a thistle, But I heard him exclaim, Ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all And to all a good night."
Joey: Wow. That was great. You really wrote that?
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees!-
Chandler: [entering] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy, Ben. What are you doing here, Weird Turtle Man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What is going on?
Guy: We're waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy!
Joey: Yeah, lady, give us candy.
Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, that's it? A great idea? Oh, yeah?
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean, what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents and then a bunch of little presents, and you've just gotten her one great present? I mean, that's just going to make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find them faster.
Rachel: That's right.
Ross: And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, 4000 years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.
Phoebe: So, guys, I'm doing all-new material tonight. I have 12 new songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.
Chandler: You might want to open with the snowman.
Phoebe: [ringing bell] Hey, you guys. Guess what?
Chandler: The British are coming?
Phoebe: Oh, you and your ways.
Phoebe: Do you, maybe, have a nickname that's easier to rhyme?
Monica: Didn't your dad used to call you "Pumpkin"?
Phoebe: Pumpkin? But did he ever call you, like, "Budolph"?
Phoebe: How do you sleep at night?
Joey: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around. Hey, Phoebe, listen. You got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees. They're fulfilling their life purpose by making people happy.
Chandler: Yes! Yes, and the trees are happy too because for most of them, it's their only chance to see New York.
Joey: I gotta go sell Christmas trees.
Phoebe: Have fun. Oh, wait. No, don't. I forgot. I am totally against that now.
Joey: What? Me having a job?
Phoebe: No, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime and their corpses grotesquely dressed in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights.
Rachel: Hi. Welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats, sweaters, pants and shirts in the bedroom.
Ross: Aren't you guys supposed to be shopping?
Monica: You don't have your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. What are you gonna do?
Chandler: Don't you have to be Claymation to say that?
Phoebe: Happy "Christmas Eve" Eve.
Chandler: Pheebs? Skull?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not my mom. It belonged to my mom. Yeah, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And you can put candy in it.
Phoebe: Whoa, whoa. No drinks near the bucket. Set it down there and then you can make a contribution. You can leave the "hurt bunny" look over there too.
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined. Now give me my real gift.
Bob: Phoebe, we've been getting complaints.
Bob: We're moving you to a less high-profile spot. Ginger's taking over this corner.
Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh. We have a live one.
Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag.
Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel: "Dear Losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.
Phoebe: They gave me a great spot right by Macy's. They hardly ever give a good spot to a rookie but I'm the only one who can say "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. I lied.
Ross: Wow. Monica's letting other people help decorate her tree? Did someone get her drunk again, or...?
Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It's about being with the people that you love.
Phoebe: That is nice. And we're done. Ta-da.
Chandler: I don't know what it is. It just doesn't quite feel like Christmas to me.
Monica: Oh, yeah.
[Monica rotates the Christmas tree so only the side she decorated is visible]
Chandler: See, now it feels like Christmas.
Ross: And these are shaped like Christmas characters: Santa, Rudolph and Baby Jesus.
Joey: Okay, I'll take a box of the cream-filled Jesuses.
Chandler: Ho-ho-holy crap is it hot in here.