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‘The One with Phoebe's Dad’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Phoebe's Dad

209. The One with Phoebe's Dad

Aired December 14, 1995

When Phoebe learns that the guy in the picture she has was not her father but just the photo frame model, she questions her grandmother and finds out where her father lives. Meanwhile, a cash-strapped Monica tries giving homemade cookies for Christmas tips this year.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: I can't believe it's Christmas already. You know, one day you're eating turkey, the next thing you know your Iords are a-leaping and geese are a-laying.
Chandler: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

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Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Gram? Can I see the pictures of my dad again?
Frances: Oh, sure, sure. How come?
Phoebe: Just, you know, to see him.
Frances: Oh, sure. Here. This is the one of your father in a meadow. And, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite. And here he is at a graduation. Another graduation. Another graduation.
Phoebe: Okay, is this really my father?
Frances: Is it really your fa-? Well, of course it is.
Phoebe: I smell smoke. Maybe because someone's pants are on fire!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: In all the years we've been grandmother and granddaughter you've never lied.
Frances: All right, that is not your father. That's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
Phoebe: Oh, God.
Frances: It was your mother's idea. She didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left. I didn't want to go along with it. But then, well, she died and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: All right. So he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then I guess, okay, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
Frances: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
Phoebe: Okay, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
Frances: Honey.
Phoebe: Oh.
Frances: Anyway, that's all I know. That and this. This is the real him.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, I remember my father all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble and crash into something and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Oh, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hello, Grandma. If that is, in fact, your real name.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I know. I just wanted to know who he was, you know?
Frances: Yeah, I know. I wasn't completely honest with you when I said I didn't know exactly where he lived.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Frances: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Nice seizing, gel boy.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Rach, these are for you.
Rachel: Wiper blades! I don't even have a car.
Joey: No, but with this new-car smell, you'll think you do!
Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, your turn.
Phoebe: Oh, toilet-seat covers! Is that what you did while I was getting gas? You guys!
Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.
Ross: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler: And a lemon-lime!
Ross: Well, this is too much. I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Chandler: And last, but not least. [Chandler hands Monica a pack of condoms]
Joey: They're ribbed for your pleasure! [Ross gives Monica his drinks, takes the condoms]

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, my God. Where did you get this?
Ross: Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
Phoebe: This is my father. This is a picture of my dad.
Chandler: Uh, Pheebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
Phoebe: No it isn't. No, it's my dad. All right, I'll show you.
Rachel: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.
Phoebe: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
Rachel: How have you never been on Oprah?
Phoebe: Okay, look, see? This is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died. Same guy!
Monica: Honey, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
Phoebe: It's not a blue screen. It's just. Maybe it was just really clear that day. Okay, I have to talk to my grandmother.

Quote from Ross

Ross: So who else did you tip with cookies?
Rachel: The mailman, the super. Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
Joey: Oh, my God.
Monica: What?
Joey: I don't think you're gonna like this.
Rachel: Oh, these are cookies smashed to the sports section.
Monica: Look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
Ross: Yeah, but not very well. Unless fourteen across, "Gershwin musical", actually is "Bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me."

Quote from Joey

Ross: Anyone hear from Phoebe yet?
Rachel: No, nothing.
Monica: I hope she's okay.
Joey: Yeah, I know exactly what she's going through.
Monica: How do you know exactly what she's going through?
Joey: She told us.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: You gave him cookies?
Monica: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. All right, we're broke, but cookies do say that.
Phoebe: I can see that. A plate of brownies told me a limerick.
Chandler: Pheebs, let me ask you something. Were these "funny" brownies?
Phoebe: Not especially. But, you know what, I think they had pot in them.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, Gunther. You got stairs in your place?
Gunther: Yeah.
Ross: Go nuts.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: What's in the bag?
Ross: Oh, just some presents.
Joey: Come on, show us what you bought. You know you want to.
Ross: Okay. This is a picture frame from Ben to my parents.
Monica: Oh, that's cute.
Ross: I got some "Hers" and "Hers" towels for Susan and Carol. And I got this blouse for Mom.
Monica: Ross, that is gorgeous. Look at these authentic fake medals. Mom's gonna be voted "best dressed" at the make-believe military academy.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Happy "Christmas Eve" Eve.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So, anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me.
All: Joey!
Joey: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem everyone's all ears.

Quote from Phoebe

Frances: Esther Livingston. Gone. Hi, Pooh.
Phoebe: Hi, Gram. What you doing?
Frances: Oh, just updating the phone book.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Aren't you guys supposed to be shopping?
Monica: You don't have your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. What are you gonna do?
Chandler: Don't you have to be Claymation to say that?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Hey, Rach. I think I know what will make you feel better. How about you make a list about me?
Rachel: Forget it, Ross. No, I'm not gonna stand here and make a list- Okay, you are whiny, you are obsessive, you are insecure, you're gutless. You don't ever just, sort of "seize the day". You know, you liked me for a year and you didn't do anything about it. Oh, and you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Ross: See, there, you- All right, you did what I said.
Rachel: And you know what? You're right. I do feel better. Thank you, Ross.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Yeah, in Albany. Could I have the number of Frank Buffay? Okay. In lthaca? All right, Saratoga? Oneonta? You know what? You shouldn't call yourself lnformation.

Quote from Phoebe

Frances: Come on now, Pooh. Don't still be mad at me. How's it going?
Phoebe: Not so good. Upstate's pretty big. He's pretty small. You do the math.
Frances: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh, honey, I know he's your daddy. But to me, he's still the irresponsible creep who locked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Hey, Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Hop in!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Here, you have to hold this.
Chandler: "Brake, left. Gas, right"?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, that's my cheat sheet.
Chandler: Where's my seat belt?
Phoebe: Oh, that side doesn't have one. The paramedics had to cut through it.
[Chandler gets out and sits in the back with Joey]

Quote from Monica

Ross: Come on, just tell me. Please, please.
Monica: For the 16th time: No, I do not think you're obsessive.

Quote from Ross

Monica: Look, if it gets a little warm it can be a theme party.
Ross: Oh, here's a theme: "Come on in, live like bacon."

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hi. Welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats, sweaters, pants and shirts in the bedroom.

Quote from Ross

Ross: It's hard to tell because I'm sweating but I use exactly what the gel bottle says. An amount about the size of a pea. How can that be too much?

Quote from Monica

Ross: Mr. Treeger? Here is $50. Merry Christmas.
Mr. Treeger: Oh, wow. I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.
Ross: No, no. No, that's your Christmas tip. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you can fix that radiator now?
Mr. Treeger: Oh, no can do. Like I told the girl I can't get a new knob until Tuesday.
Monica: Ross? Looks like he's playing baseball.
Ross: You mean hardball?
Monica: Whatever.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: What you gonna do?
Ross: Excuse me. I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger? Here's another 50. Happy Hanukkah. Will this help with the knob-getting?
Mr. Treeger: No, the place is not open till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right?
Monica: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?
Mr. Treeger: Oh, yeah, they were so personal. It really showed you cared.

Quote from Rachel

Mr. Treeger: Is this mistletoe?
Rachel: No, that. Actually, that is basil.
Mr. Treeger: Ah. If it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss you.
Rachel: Yeah, no, it's still basil.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Listen, Pheebs, I know you're not going in there but you think it'd be all right if I go in and use his bathroom? [Chandler looks at Joey] That's fine, never mind. Cool, snow. Kind of like a blank canvas.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent.
Monica: Maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
Joey: Monica, pigeons learn faster than you.


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