Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Went to the store, Sat on Santa's lap, Asked him to bring my friends, All kinds of crap, Said all you need is, To write them a song, Now you haven't heard it yet, So don't try to sing along, No, don't sing along, Monica, Monica Have a happy Hannukah, Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross, And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy, And Rachel and Chandler, [indistinct] Happy holidays, everybody!

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas.
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Well, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted, coming all the way from Texas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the Southern states. And Mexico!

Monica: I can't believe that sign didn't work.
Chandler: You know what would work? Stop making candy.
Monica: But they like it.
Chandler: You mean they like you.
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef, so people would like you?
Monica: Oh. You really want to talk about getting people to like you, huh, funny man?

Monica: See? This is why I told you not to get involved with your assistant. There's no such thing as a secret when it comes to affairs. Did you hear that, Chandler? No such thing!
Chandler: What happened? I'm just eating candy.

Rachel: So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag: No, it was marked "confidential." I just sent it down to human resources.
Rachel: Okay, please, you're kidding, right? I wrote that one as a joke for you.
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: I'm thinking, no.
Tag: What did you say?
Rachel: I said I thought you were a good kisser and that I liked your teeny, tiny tushy.
Tag: Oh, no, not my tushy.
Rachel: Oh, it gets worse. Where asked if you take initiative, I wrote: "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision." And under problems with performance, I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not." And then- And then I drew a little smiley face. And then a small pornographic sketch.