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‘The One with All the Candy’ Quotes

Friends: The One with All the Candy

709. The One with All the Candy

Aired December 7, 2000

Monica tries to get to know her neighbors better by making candy for everyone in the building. Meanwhile, Ross buys Phoebe her first bicycle, and Rachel's relationship with Tag is nearly revealed at Ralph Lauren.

Quote from Monica

Monica: The basket is totally empty. Oh, my God, the neighbors ate all the candy.
Chandler: Well, either that or...
Monica: Joey!

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Quote from Monica

Monica: I can't believe that sign didn't work.
Chandler: You know what would work? Stop making candy.
Monica: But they like it.
Chandler: You mean they like you.
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef, so people would like you?
Monica: Oh. You really want to talk about getting people to like you, huh, funny man?

Quote from Ross

Ben: I'm ready.
Ross: You sure?
Ben: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Let me just straighten out your helmet there.
Ben: Thanks, Daddy.
Ross: No, no. One daddy, two mommies.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
Phoebe: No. But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. So I would sit on it and my stepdad would drag me around the backyard.
Ross: That is so unfair.
Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too.

Quote from Ross

Monica: Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy.
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper. It's like a crime wave.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work. He does not know that I am not "some of us."

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag: No, it was marked "confidential." I just sent it down to human resources.
Rachel: Okay, please, you're kidding, right? I wrote that one as a joke for you.
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: I'm thinking, no.
Tag: What did you say?
Rachel: I said I thought you were a good kisser and that I liked your teeny, tiny tushy.
Tag: Oh, no, not my tushy.
Rachel: Oh, it gets worse. Where asked if you take initiative, I wrote: "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision." And under problems with performance, I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not." And then- And then I drew a little smiley face. And then a small pornographic sketch.

Quote from Joey

Monica: That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike. When I heard the story, I almost cried.
Joey: Almost cried, huh? Hear that, Chandler? "Almost" cried.

Quote from Monica

Monica: See? This is why I told you not to get involved with your assistant. There's no such thing as a secret when it comes to affairs. Did you hear that, Chandler? No such thing!
Chandler: What happened? I'm just eating candy.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Chandler, do we know that lady?
Chandler: Maybe. Isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica: All right, I'll do it just this once. But you can't tell anyone.
Woman: Yes, yes, please, just give it to me.
Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that's her.

Quote from Monica

Woman: Please, I have people coming from out of town today. I told them all about your candy.
Monica: You're kidding. Out-of-towners, huh? What did you tell them?
Woman: I told them your candy was absolutely indescribable.
Monica: Some people have said it's "little drops of heaven." But whatever.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, there's some people outside asking about candy.
Monica: Well, they're just going to have to wait, okay? I only got two hands!
Ross: Need some help?
Monica: No, you don't know the system. I don't need nobody messing with the system!
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding, you may not see a lot of me.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: It'd be like you having this guitar and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played. And this bike wants to be ridden. And if you don't ride it you're killing its spirit. The bike is dying.
Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.
Ross: Great. You're making the bike very happy.
Phoebe: Okay, Ross. [quietly, to the bike] Please don't die!

Quote from Rachel

Mr. Zelner: So, I read your evaluation of Tag. Or, to use his full name, Tag "Sweet Cheeks" Jones? Is something going on with you two?
Rachel: Oh, my God, can you imagine if there was? I mean, what would happen exactly?
Mr. Zelner: Well, I'd be forced to file a report. I'd have to consult with the legal department. And your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Rachel: Well-
Tag: Mr. Zelner, I'm the one who filled in that evaluation.
Rachel: Oh, no-
Tag: Yeah, yeah. I thought it would be funny.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute tushy?
Tag: Yes. I have a weird sense of humor. And I'm kind of strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: It's kind of a risky joke, Tag. And what is this drawing? I can't figure out what this is.
Rachel: You're looking at it upside down, you gotta- It doesn't matter.
Mr. Zelner: It's not like I don't have a sense of humor. Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick every now and then. But there's a time and a place, huh? Unless you have a limerick right now. No? Okay. Well, you've got my fax number.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: What is going on?
Guy: We're waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy!
Joey: Yeah, lady, give us candy.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Are you okay?
Monica: I'm fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. Someone slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever. I don't know.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I can't believe it. I did it. I rode a bike. I never thought I'd be able to do that. Thank you, Ross.
Ross: Oh, hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself. You're the one who faced your fears and ultimately overcame them.
Phoebe: Don't be so corny, Ross. It's not an After School Special.


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