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‘The One with the Holiday Armadillo’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Holiday Armadillo

710. The One with the Holiday Armadillo

Aired December 14, 2000

Ross tries to teach Ben about the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Meanwhile, Phoebe worries that Rachel won't want to move back in with her now their apartment is ready.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas.
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Well, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted, coming all the way from Texas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the Southern states. And Mexico!

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Quote from Ross

Ross: Okay, Ben. Santa has to go. Say goodbye.
Ben: No, why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because if Santa and the Holiday ... Armadillo are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode! Merry Christmas!
Ben: No, why can't the armadillo leave? I want Santa.
Ross: Fine, I give up. Santa- Santa can stay!
Chandler: Well, I'll stay but only because I want to hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa.
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: You're welcome.
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees!-
Joey: Merry Christmas!

Quote from Ross

Ross: So, Ben, you know what holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas.
Ross: Yeah, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas Eve.
Ross: Yes, but also ... Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly.
Ross: Right, but on Hanukkah- Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben: [singing] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells-
Ross: Okay, that's right. Yes, but on Hanukkah, we sing: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. I made you out of clay.
Ben: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer-
Ross: Okay, it's not a contest.

Quote from Ross

Ross: But Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. Maybe the lady will help me with these presents.
Ben: Wow, thanks!
Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas. And happy Hanukkah!
Ben: Are you for Hanukkah too? Because I'm part Jewish.
Ross: You are? Me too.
Monica: Because armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: You want to wander in the hall?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Hey, I just found out. I get Ben for the holidays this year.
Rachel: That's great.
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year. But I think I want to take this year to teach him about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Monica: Well, no, but I'll bet she probably does.
Phoebe: Oh, probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. I know what "probably" really means. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. "Oh, your mom probably won't kill herself." I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on "probably." You know, you gotta take care of yourself in this world. History teaches us nothing.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas?
Rachel: Drums?
Joey: No, drums!

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Could we get two burritos to go, please?
Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry. You don't have to live with it.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: We have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Maitre D': Okay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
Chandler: 45 minutes? We have tickets to The Music Man at 8.
Maitre D': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, I'll slip him some money.
Monica: But you've got to be smooth about it.
Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. Listen, we're in a little bit of a hurry. If you could get us a table a bit quicker, I'd appreciate it.
Maitre D': Of course, sir.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: How'd it go?
Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs if you want to get Joey a gift that disrupts the entire building why not get him something a little bit more subtle like a wrecking ball or a vial of small pox to release in the hallway?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Yes. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel so she wouldn't want to live there anymore?
Phoebe: Maybe on some level.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Phoebe, did you get all this stuff for Joey to try to drive me out of the apartment? You might as well have gotten him a fish. You know how fish freak me out.
Phoebe: Fish.

Quote from Ross

Salesman: Hello, sir. You here to return those pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees!-
Chandler: [entering] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa!
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy, Ben. What are you doing here, Weird Turtle Man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?

Quote from Chandler

Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben. Put her there. Well, it would have worked this time if his hands weren't so damn small.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Ho, ho, ho!
Monica: Okay, Ben, why don't you come open some more presents. Santa, the armadillo and I will have a little talk in the kitchen. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
Monica: Hey, you think you can keep it another night?
Chandler: Santa, really?
Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okay!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: Okay, you remember how you told me your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: And remember how you always said that you were afraid that the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you really not know where I'm going with this?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt.
Ross: The armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, wow. Looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I understand why Superman is here but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: You need to give him money.
Chandler: It was a joke!
Monica: No, to get a table. Places like this are always shaking you down. Everybody wants a payoff.
Chandler: All right, calm down, O'Malley.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Pheebs? Skull?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not my mom. It belonged to my mom. Yeah, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And you can put candy in it.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: It's easy. Just keep it casual. Shake his hand and give him the money.
Chandler: How do you know so much about this?
Monica: I don't know.
Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.
Chandler: Mustached bastard.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume so I borrowed one from a guy at work.
Ross: Thank you, but you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah and you're wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowlful of jelly.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: So should we start looking for a new place?
Phoebe: You know, I'm sensing that my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
Rachel: Oh, yeah? Starting to feel her again there, are we?
Phoebe: A little bit.
Rachel: Pheebs, is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
Phoebe: You heard it too? You have the gift.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I just got reservations at Michelle's and tickets to The Music Man to celebrate our first holiday as a betrothed couple.
Monica: "Betrothed."
Chandler: Betrothed couple.


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