Julius: What you need $40 for?
Michael: I need it for a date. I want to pay, so I could make her a good first impression.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Especially if your second impression is: "Can I borrow you $20?"
Drew: So, who you're going out with?
Michael: Mmm. I ain't saying. I been in a slump lately and I don't want to jinx this one.
Julius: Why don't you get a job?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And move out of your mother's house!

Michael: Rochelle?! What are you doing out here sneaking up on people? You could've caused me to have a heart attack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Michael should've died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.
Rochelle: What do you think you're doing?
Michael: What?
Rochelle: Why did you ask Vanessa to go out with you?
Michael: Because she cute, she got a good job, she need a man, Mama said I need a woman, plus, I hear she co-signs on loans.
Rochelle: Well, you need to ask somebody else out. You don't see me going around asking your friends out.
Michael: What're you saying, I'm not good enough for your friend?
Rochelle: No, Michael, I'm saying that if you go out with her and have a good time, she's going to expect you to call her back. You ain't got no money, you ain't got no phone, and if she hasn't heard from you, she's gonna be distracted. And if I end up with a bald patch in my head 'cause she left the perm in too long... Oh, you and me... we gonna have problems!
Michael: Well, I'm sorry, sis. She already said yes. I can't cancel right now. What would I look like?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like a bald patch.

Chris: Hey, Ma.
Rochelle: Hey, sweetie.
Chris: Found somebody to go to dinner with us.
Rochelle: Oh, that's okay, baby. I decided to take Michael.
Chris: Uncle Michael's coming?
Michael: Yeah, man. I heard French food real good! "Excellente!" That's French. I've been studying, 'cause I'm ready to go. Ooh, la, la. I can't wait.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I can't wait for you to choke on that spaghetti.

Michael: Big Man! I see why these cheese grits are your favorite. Mmm-mmm.
[cut to Uncle Mike locked out of the house in his underwear:]
Michael: Julius, come on, man! I said I'm sorry, man! Julius!
Julius: What?
Michael: Can I at least get my clothes, man?
Julius: You want your clothes? I got your clothes. I got your clothes. [throws the clothes out the window] That's for eating my cheese grits.
Michael: Julius, this is wrong, man.
Michael: I'm gonna tell 'Chelle about this! What you looking at?! You ain't never been throwed out before? This is wrong, man! Over some grits?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father eventually came downstairs to return his sock, but he shoved it somewhere that Uncle Michael couldn't reach it. I need a ride, man!

Michael: So, Chris, what's up with you?
Chris: Well, I was voted eighth grade class president.
Michael: Uh-oh. Just like Jesse Jackson.
Julius: Ronald Reagan is the president. Jesse Jackson's just a resident.
Michael: You might like Reagan, but he don't like you. I like my nephew. Black president. Way to go, yo.

Rochelle: How's Momma?
Michael: She threw me out.
Rochelle: Threw you out?! Well, what happened?
Michael: You know how Momma always give you half of something. Well, there was a piece of cake in the refrigerator. So I ate the whole thing. Next thing I know, she just started tripping. Talk about, "You eat up everything. You need to get a job and buy your own cake." You believe that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes!
Michael: Momma been tripping since Daddy died.
Rochelle: Well, where are you staying?
Michael: I was wondering if I could stay here with you a couple days.
Rochelle: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I gotta ask Julius that.
Michael: Thank you, sis. You know I love you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "Where am I sleeping?"

Julius: So, uh, you been out all day looking for work?
Michael: No, I've been here all day.
Julius: Why is that?
Michael: It's cold out there, but it's warm in here.
Rochelle: Michael, why don't you run out to the store and, uh, get us some Nestea?
Michael: But The A Team about to come on. That's my program. I love me some Mr. T. "I pity the fool." That's my boy.
Rochelle: Michael! Go get the Nestea.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum."
Rochelle: How you doing?
Michael: Hey, sis, how you doing?
Rochelle: Good.
Michael: Y'all got something to eat?
Rochelle: Yeah, we just...
[Uncle Michael drops his suitcases and pushes past Rochelle]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think he saw a job chasing him.

Michael: Let me get this straight. You want me to give up a free dinner for a girl?
Chris: Michael, please. I already invited her. I've been trying to get with her for I don't know how long. If I blow this, probably won't get another chance.
Michael: I don't know. What do I get out of it?
Chris: What do you want?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The one thing my uncle loved more than a free meal was a bunch of free meals. All it took was a shrimp basket...
Michael: What's up?
Chris: What's up?
Michael: [eats] Mmm! Later.
Chris: Later.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...and a slopper.
Michael: Hmm. What's up?
Chris: What's up?
Michael: Mmm. Later.
Chris: Later.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew gave Tonya the runaround, Uncle Michael just ate and sat around.
Michael: Mmm. This is good. So, how you doing, Mr. President?
Chris: Not so good.
Rochelle: Why, baby? What's wrong?
Chris: Well, being class president is a little bit harder than I thought.
Michael: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.
Rochelle: I know that's right. Y'all listen to your uncle.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She didn't say that when he told us to invest our money in parachute pants.